Lately, if it’s not about the kids or our jobs, then we stare blankly at each other or down at our phones. Allowing the almighty electronic distraction to take over our marriage is sad. But it’s way more than that. About four months ago, Tess chose going to a design show over being home and celebrating MaryEllen’s years of service with us. If I had to be honest, that’s when it changed. I don’t blame her. I blame myself for telling her I didn’t care. I think, in the end, I hurt us both. I cared. I just didn’t want her to miss out on something important to her. And she was hurt that I said I didn’t care. So we both shut down.
And the result?
This.
Our living hell.
My Girl: Did you get the air mattresses pulled out of the closet in the basement for the boys?
Me: Of course.
My Girl: Just asking.
Me: Ok.
My Girl: I’m going to make French dip sandwiches for supper tonight. It’s Andy’s favorite.
I stare down at my phone for an absurd amount of time. Pouting like a ridiculous grown-ass man. I can’t remember the last time she made my favorite meal. And why the hell does she even know what Andy's favorite meal is. Should I be concerned about that?
I spend the day stewing over her last text to me — again— because I’m pouting and can’t seem to snap out of it. I didn’t even reply to her because I was just irritated. The fact that she is concerned over Andy’s well-being and wants to make him comfortable in our home is, in truth, very considerate and one of the things that made me fall in love with her. However, the fact that she is concerned over Andy and hasn’t seemed to be concerned over me for the last few months has me beyond irked. Add that to the fact that I’m still a little raw from her accusing me of basically the same thing with Keri, and I’m in a piss-poor mood, snapping at everyone who crosses my path. By the end of the day, Josh blatantly tells me to get the hell out of the office. It’s close to quitting time anyway, but I think he’s just had enough of me.
Which was fine by me.
Trying to ignore the fact that Keri had texted us a picture of her boobs — or well, part of her boobs, anyway—was proving much more difficult than we imagined. I walked into the office this morning to find Josh huddled over his computer with a cup of coffee from Christine’s coffee shop, telling me one thing. He didn’t want to make coffee in the shop this morning, like he does every other day. When I walked in and set my stuff on the desk next to him, he jumped about a foot out of his seat and clenched his heart like he was about to have a heart attack.
“Holy shit, you scared the crap out of me. I thought you were Keri,” he breathes out.
I laugh out loud at him while he scowls at me. “It’s not funny, jackhole! You try standing out there. It’s awkward as hell. Did you see she wore a turtleneck today? Like she’s trying to not give us any more visuals than she already did.”
“Josh, you ass, it was an accident.”
“An accident that we were on the unfortunate end of. I heard Tess was the one who saw it first,” he said, admitting what I already knew — that Tess and Lauren had talked about everything already.
“Yeah, it wasn’t good. But she knows it was just an accident and one I’m forgetting ever happened. As in ever. As in, we will never speak of it again,” I say with as much conviction in my voice as possible.
“Oh thank goodness!” The sound of Keri’s voice causes me to scream — like a total girl — and almost lose my hold on my own coffee cup. (I brought mine from home, thank you very much. Even though I, too, usually made it at the shop.) I look over and see Josh smirking at me. The ass.
It’s early evening and I know I need to go straight home. Yet, I don’t. I text Tess and let her know that I won’t be home for dinner and not to wait for me. I’ll either eat late or grab something on my own. She asks me what’s going on, but I don’t respond to that text either. I feel so irritated with life, and I know myself well enough to know it’s best to just step away for a few hours and sort myself out.
I’m sitting in my pickup in the parking lot at the docks, staring out at the lake. My thoughts are running away from me, and I’m getting myself worked up over nothing. Suddenly a knock sounds on my window, causing me to jump and let out a very manly scream. I look to my left and see Cole standing there with a giant smile on his face, clearly happy and impressed with himself that he was able to scare his dad. He rounds the hood and opens the passenger door before climbing in.
“What’s wrong, old man? Did something frighten you?” He laughs.
“You punk,” I laugh in return and lightly hit his chest. “What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you.”
“Clearly, smart ass. May I ask why you’re looking for me?”
“You may.” He smirks. He thinks he’s a funny man.
Normally I would agree. Today? Not sure yet.
“Alright, bud, I’ll play. Why are you looking for me?”
“Mom.”
I divert my eyes from his intense stare-down. I don’t know when my twenty-year-old became the rock of this family, but it’s been clear the last few days that’s happened.
“Why aren’t you back at school yet? I thought you could only stay away from classes today? Don’t you need to be back for classes in the morning?”
“Nice diversion, Dad. Yeah, I’m leaving soon. I’ll get in a little later, but that’s okay.”
“I don’t like you driving so late at night this time of year. Especially with Mia in the car with you. The weather can be tricky, you know?”
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll be fine. And I would never put her in danger, you know that. What I worry about is you and Mom. I’ve never seen you two like this. And tonight? You don’t come home for supper? What gives?”
I wonder how real I can get with my son. He’s an adult, but still. Pretty sure he doesn’t want to hear that his mom and dad have lost touch, and they haven’t had sex in a while, and now his dad’s having panic attacks because he can’t get his life in grips. All because of sex. As dumb as that sounds, it’s part of what makes (or breaks) a marriage and not feeling physically connected to Tess has made me feel detached everywhere else. It’s a snowball effect, and it seems to be building fast.
“Nothing gives, Cole. Just needed to do some thinking.”
“About…” he prompts.
“Life,” I answer absently, not a total lie, staring out the front windshield.
“Dad. Come on. What is going on? Grady, Maggie… they tell me stuff, you know? They see it, Dad. Hell, I saw it when we were watching movies!”
I try to sidestep everything he’s saying. “Oh yeah? And what is it they see? Or think they see?”
“So I see we’re gonna play the runaround game, huh? Dad. You and Mom. You’re not yourselves. It’s not like we think you’re gonna get a divorce or anything crazy like that, but we know you’re not as tight as normal. Grady and Mags tell me how every morning when they wake up they see that Harper has ended up in your bed at night. They tell me how you guys never sit and cuddle anymore in the mornings when you drink your coffee, and how it’s been months since you’ve been on a date. They never see you guys sit on the couch together and watch movies anymore, or share a bowl of ice cream. Dad, I’m gonna repeat… what’s going on?”