She waved a hand in dismissal. ‘I don’t wear make-up because I can’t be bothered with it, not because I don’t need it.’
He allowed himself the luxury of studying her face. ‘Trust me, you don’t need it.’
Clearly embarrassed, she rolled her eyes. ‘Maybe not now, because you’re making me blush, but you should see me first thing in the morning.’
She must have realised her mistake because she turned a deeper shade of pink, making him laugh. ‘God Mia, you’re so ballsy, so confident, yet you blush at a compliment on your looks. And at the reminder that I have seen you when you’ve just woken up.’ He lowered his voice. ‘You were beautiful. Hair a bit wild, sure, eyes all soft and sleepy. Lips so naturally pink it took some serious self-control on my part not to kiss them.’
He watched as she bit into those very lips. ‘But you didn’t.’
Christ, he could feel himself getting hard. ‘Because I wouldn’t have been able to stop at kissing.’
Her breathing quickened and her eyes darted away from his. ‘We’re getting off track here. You were telling me about Freya.’
The mention of his ex-wife was sufficient to quell the throb between his legs. ‘Yeah, so I was.’ Now it was his turn to avoid her eyes. ‘She didn’t want to go on the pill, because her parents were dead strict and she was scared they’d find out. So we used condoms. Most of the time.’ Shameful, furtive encounters in quiet parks, bathrooms at parties, the back of his car once he’d scraped the money to buy one. Old enough to have sex, but not old enough to do it properly, with the right care, in the right surroundings. ‘We took stupid risks, and unsurprisingly she got pregnant.’
‘How old were you?’
‘Eighteen.’ He grimaced. ‘I guess you could say we were lucky it didn’t happen earlier. Freya managed to take her A Levels and get into a local university before Grace was born.’ Once again he found himself looking down at his hands, rather than at Mia. Scared to see her reaction. ‘I wanted to get married, but Freya refused. She wanted to focus on university, on becoming the lawyer she’d always dreamt of being.’
‘So that’s what she does at her desk,’ Mia mused.
‘Yeah. Recently she’s got into the habit of doing her emails from home then heading into the office around ten to avoid the traffic.’
‘Can’t say I’m surprised. She sure fits the image of the sharp lawyer. What about you?’ Mia’s softly worded question had him jerking his head up to meet her gaze. ‘What did you dream of doing?’
He shrugged. ‘I wasn’t as bright as her. I might have scraped into uni, but one of us needed to earn money so it made sense for that to be me.’
‘Did you go straight into bar work?’
She was asking questions, not judging, not getting up and leaving. Luke started to relax. ‘Yeah. That way I could take care of Grace during the day while Freya was studying.’ They’d fallen into a routine that seemed to work, most of the time.
‘Did you live together?’
He let out a sharp laugh. ‘No way. Once it became clear she didn’t see us having a future together, our relationship was doomed. She lived with her parents until she started work. All she wanted from me was my babysitting skills.’ Even now, the pain was still there, hidden deep. To be turned down, rejected. It had fucking hurt.
Mia reached out to touch his hand. ‘I’m sure that’s not true. You were both so young, dealing with a huge change to your lives in the best way you could.’
True, except he’d wanted the whole deal. Living together, marriage. Being a family. Freya had wanted a career. He pushed the thoughts away and clung to Mia’s proffered hand, and the hope it seemed to imply. ‘She was probably right,’ he admitted. ‘We’d never have been a good fit in the long run.’ Yet you’re falling for another woman who’s far too smart for you.
Fifteen years on and he still hadn’t learnt his lesson.
Mia let go of his hand and rose to her feet. As if she suddenly realised he was no longer the same guy she’d spent last Saturday night with. Now he was a dad.
‘I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.’ She walked towards the kitchen island and leant against it. ‘Being a dad must be such a huge part of you.’
‘Grace is the best part of me, by far.’ He paused while he swallowed down the ball of emotion. ‘I’m as proud as fuck of her, of who she’s turned out to be, but am I proud I was stupid enough to have sex without protection? Am I proud that instead of a stable home, for a large part of her life she had to put up with parents who were still kids themselves?’ He shook his head as shame rolled through him. ‘I didn’t tell you because I knew it would reinforce what you already think of me, when what I’m trying to do is change that perception.’
‘I don’t think any less of you because you have a daughter,’ she answered, a touch of exasperation in her tone. ‘God, if anything I admire how you put your own dreams on hold to be what she and Freya needed.’
He gave her a tight smile. ‘I want to take that, but it isn’t the real issue here, is it? You don’t want to go out with a guy who’s treated women casually in the past. A guy you can’t trust.’ Deciding it was better for both of them if she didn’t have a chance to reply, he added, ‘I’d like you to meet Grace, if you’re up for it. She already thinks you’re super cool.’
Two blue eyes zeroed in on his, her surprise clear. ‘What have you told her about me?’
‘That you’re a computer whizz who’s writing a book. That you’re smart and funny, brave and down to earth. And that you’re an important part of my life.’
‘Not that we’ve … you know … kissed?’
He tried to smile but his emotions were too close to the surface. ‘No. I didn’t see the point in telling her something that might never happen again.’
To his intense disappointment, Mia avoided his eyes. ‘Why have I not seen Grace around before now?’ She glanced around the room. ‘And why doesn’t she have any of her things here?’
She’s asking because she’s still interested, he tried to tell himself, yet the way she’d neatly ignored his comment about her being important, about them kissing again, made it feel unlikely. ‘Grace finished her GCSEs a few months ago and since then she’s been Interrailing round Europe with her mates. She only got back last Saturday, which was what Freya came round to tell me. As for the second question, Freya didn’t like the idea of Grace having two homes, said it would risk her not feeling she belonged in either, so the deal was, we bought flats next to each other. That way she had one base but both parents.’ The feeling of loss was something he still carried with him.
‘From the expression on your face, that decision must have hurt.’
‘Shit, am I that transparent?’ He rubbed at the back of his neck. ‘It’s great that Grace is only next door, but yes, I wanted her to have a bed here. For her to feel this was also her home.’
Mia’s eyes filled with sympathy. ‘I’m sure she does. After all, you’re here. And I presume Pickles is hers, too, and not that you’ve got a thing for small furry animals.’