I laughed. Couldn’t help it. “Please myself? Wow. You really do think I’m that guy, don’t you?”
“You’ve never told me otherwise.”
I leaned forward in my chair, my face closer to my brother than we’d been in years. “Well, I’m telling you now. Leaving Rushmere was the worst thing I ever did, and I’ve been paying for it ever since.”
Chapter Fifteen
Luke
Honesty was hard work, particularly when you were trying to cram ten years into six and a half minutes, and you weren’t entirely convinced the other person was listening.
Billy was asleep by the time the nurse kicked me out, and the notion that he’d missed the punchline of my emotional vomit left me dazed. I wandered outside and drifted to Fran’s car, but didn’t get in. Didn’t pay the parking fees or consider the hotel across the street. Rushmere didn’t feel like home anymore, but it called to me. I wanted the cool solitude of my house, the monotony of my work, and the distracting sanctuary of my fixation with Mia.
My brother hurt my heart.
Eventually, guilt won out. I sent Gus a text telling him I’d be gone another night, rinsed my debit card in the parking metre, and drove fifty feet to the hotel. The Premier Inn was shiny brand new, every corner punctuated with obnoxious purple furniture, but bland enough for me to feel invisible as I traipsed to my room.
Inside, I dropped my phone and keys on a table, but didn’t turn the light on. I liked the dark, craved it when the noise in my head was too loud. When my pulse thrummed too hard and the panic that had seized my chest the day I’d left Rushmere a lifetime ago came rushing back.
I kicked my shoes off and lay down on my rented bed. The letter I’d dumped on Mia’s doorstep was etched in my brain, but contradiction fought hard for dominance. I’d told her I couldn’t stay, but I’d sworn to Billy that I’d never wanted to go.
What was the truth? Did I even know anymore? Had I ever? Or was the conflict too convoluted for an answer?
Fuck, I had no idea, and Billy’s only response to the tale I’d told him echoed in my head. “Why didn’t you ever come home? Ten years, bro. You never came.”
He’d knocked out before I’d whispered my answer. “Because of her.”
* * *
I woke up sweating, and with the stomachache from hell. Fuck’s sake. I knew how this ended. Cursing, I lurched off the bed and stumbled to the bathroom, making it just in time to lose the stale sandwiches I’d eaten at the hospital, and what was left of my composure.
When my stomach was empty, I collapsed on the bathroom floor. Everything hurt, but I knew I wasn’t ill. This was fucking classic. When I was little, I’d cry until I threw up. It was my thing—I left the bed-wetting to Billy. I’d grown out of it, obviously, but nausea was still my constant companion when shit got real. I’d always been good at hiding my feelings, but dealing with them, not so much.
I shivered. The cool tile felt good on my heated skin, but it was only a matter of time before cool turned to cold. With a low groan, I heaved myself upright again and trudged back to bed. It had been a long time since I’d puked my worries away, but I felt better. Perhaps purging my guts went hand in hand with finally baring my soul to Billy, even if it had been a blink-and-you’d-miss-it moment. Whatever. I was bone-tired and had lost my ability to think sensibly somewhere on the M1 motorway. I just wanted to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more.
As if on cue, my phone beeped. At home I’d have ignored it, but I was expecting updates from Fran and terrified of another call from the hospital.
I got out of bed again and retrieved my phone from the desk. The incoming message lit up the screen.
Mia: are you okay?
It was a carbon copy of the message I’d sent her after the break-in at her shop. I tapped out an answer and fired it back.
Luke: yes
With her new rules in place, I figured she’d leave it at that. I tossed the phone onto the bed and belatedly realised I was still wearing my jeans. Daley, you’re a fucking mess.
I shucked my clothes and took a much-needed shower. A black cloud clung to me as I stood under the hot spray and I did nothing to shake it free. Just let it darken and fester, and hook itself deeper. A girl I’d hooked up with in Hawaii had once told me my life would be better if I’d let myself cry. Years later, and I still didn’t believe her. Couldn’t, because there was so much behind the dam now, if I let go, I’d never come back.
When I got out of the shower, my phone was flashing. I lunged for it, towel hitting the floor. Mia’s name lit up the screen, and relief and an emotion I couldn’t quite decipher washed over me. It wasn’t the hospital, or my mum, but I didn’t have the energy to handle Mia right now.
Answered the phone anyway, though. I was that guy. “What do you want?”
Mia laughed lowly. “Um, I don’t know. Maybe to check you’re okay?”
“Why?”
“Because Gus told me what happened to Billy, and I remember the two of you well enough to worry you’re not doing too well at being brothers under such extreme circumstances.”
“That right?” Anger flashed through me, even though she was bang on the money. “What makes you the expert on me and my brother?”
“No one mentioned experts, Luke. I was speculating.”
“Yeah, well. I don’t need it. We’re fine.”
“Uh-huh.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.”
“Great. Are we done?”
“Why are you being a dick?”
I glowered at my reflection in the nearby window. Was she fucking serious? She’d ordered me to make her come, all the while telling me over and over that we’d never be friends, then she’d kissed me and asked me to fuck her before kicking me to the kerb, and now she wanted to be all up in my shit? “You know what, Mia? Maybe that’s who I am. Do me a favour and forget you know me.”
Hanging up on her felt like the end of the world.
Chapter Sixteen
Mia
I opened the back door and scanned the courtyard, irritation licking through me. It was the third time the school kids hanging around the war memorial had knocked on the window and run away, and I was about ready to harpoon them with my pruning knife.
That was, if I could get close enough to throw it. So far, they’d eluded me.
I slammed the door and got back to work, glad Gus was too busy to hang around and get under my feet. If he were here, I’d have likely hit him with the broom by now.