“You weren’t rejected. I want you. I’m still fucking hard. I want you. Know that. Tell me you do.”
“I guess.”
“Not fucking you is more difficult than bending you over that stool and taking you.”
The emptiness he’d left between my legs ached. “Then do it.”
He kissed my forehead. “I want more than your body. You need to know that. I want what’s here.” He kissed my head again. “And here.” His hand came to my chest. “The thing is, I’m too fucking messed up at this moment with you, Ruby, and the war. If you confirm the information that I suspect about what’s happened to you, just like in the war in the desert, I’m liable to put all my personal safety aside and act recklessly. The difference now versus then is that now it isn’t all about me. It isn’t even all about you. I have a family who needs me to think straight.” He huffed. “With my head and not my dick, quoting a friend.”
Patrick sat on the edge of the settee and pulled me to his lap. I came to rest upon one of his strong thighs. “You are my wife, whether you admit it or not. I want to hate you and maybe that would be possible if I had ever stopped loving you.”
My head fell to his shoulder as more tears filled my eyes.
I had to be dreaming. Maybe I died back at the club or perhaps we both died at the Ann Arbor airport. After all I’d been through and what life had thrown my way, how was it possible that this strong, handsome, caring man could be back in my life?
I didn’t deserve him.
Patrick’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me against him. I was still nude, but so was he. We were both vulnerable. He’d shared something with me that he said he’d never vocalized. Knowing that filled me with as much warmth as his caresses.
I closed my eyes as he gently rubbed small circles on my back and down my spine. His touch was neither punishing nor demeaning, instead a gentle reassurance of overwhelming support.
“I never stopped loving you either,” I mumbled against his warm skin. I looked up. “I’m not sure I can ever say what you want to hear.” He wanted me to admit to his last name. If I did, I would relinquish Miller, a reward I didn’t deserve. My name was a daily reminder of what I’d done. Like a chain around my neck, it reminded me of my past and of my worth.
“I’m not giving up,” he said. “I want all of you. Admitting to our name is only one part.”
He joined the army to die.
As that thought resonated I said a silent prayer of thanksgiving, thankful that his wish hadn’t been granted. Even if we would never be what we’d dreamed a lifetime ago, there was still hope that one day he could be a part of Ruby’s life.
Ruby.
“Patrick.” I stared into his eyes. “The ambush...I hope you believe I didn’t know.”
“I believe you wouldn’t willingly leave Ruby.”
“You’re not questioning her existence?”
“No, it’s been confirmed beyond what you’ve told me.”
“How?” I asked. “We were promised security and anonymity at Westbrook.”
“I’m sure you know that there are ways.”
I shook my head. “If you or your people could find her, anyone could. I have to get to her.” I almost said I needed to tell Andros. Depending on him was a difficult habit to break. I feigned a smile. “You’re right, I wouldn’t leave her.” I sat up. “Tell me where we are going—and how will we get back to her? We have to get to her before Andros does.”
“It’s too late for that, but the war has just begun.”
Maddie
Seventeen years ago
I looked out the window of Kristine’s van as the streets of Chicago passed by. It wasn’t often that I rode anywhere. Mostly, Patrick and I walked. If I gave it a lot of thought, since meeting him, our world had been pretty small. Seeing the tall buildings of downtown Chicago on the horizon filled me with hope for our baby—if I were pregnant. There was a great big world out there and Patrick and I would show our little one the way.
“How have you been feeling?” Kristine asked as she navigated the highway.
I pulled the sleeves of an oversized sweatshirt over my fingers to try to get warmer. It had snowed earlier in the day. When I saw the giant flakes falling out the window, I was concerned Kristine would say we would need to postpone the appointment. She didn’t. Despite the earlier accumulation, the streets and especially the highways were clear. The sheer volume of traffic was probably the reason. Well, that and the temperatures were hovering in the high twenties. With the addition of sunshine, the melting was underway.
“I had early morning sickness this morning,” I replied to her question as the van filled with music I recognized from our church services.
“Early?”
“Yeah,” I said, “it was before everyone was awake. It woke me up.”
Kristine looked my way. “You were sick in your room. Does that mean Patrick knows?”
I wrapped my arms around my midsection as the heat continued to blow. “No. I made it to the bathroom. He doesn’t know yet. I wanted to say something this morning, but I figured what difference would a few hours make.”
She smiled. “You know what, let’s stop first and get you something to wear.”
I looked down at my blue-jean-covered legs. I’d acquired them from Kristine’s supply of donations. The t-shirt I was wearing beneath the sweatshirt was also from her donations. The clothes were even loose. Besides this was just an appointment with a doctor. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
She reached over and squeezed my knee. “Maddie, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re wearing. When was the last time you had new clothes, brand new from the store?”
I sat straighter. This was why I avoided food pantries and homeless shelters in the past. I didn’t want handouts. I didn’t want pity. I’d made my choices and was willing to work to improve. “I don’t need new clothes. I’m grateful for the clothes at the mission. Before we came to you I had the clothes I wore and one other outfit. Now, I even have a robe.”
“I would love to do more for everyone at the mission. It’s God’s work. Let me get you something special for your appointment.”
I looked at the clock in the dashboard. “I thought my appointment was at eleven. It’s already 10:15 a.m. and I don’t know how long it will take to get there.”
“I do. Hey,” Kristine said excitedly, “have you ever had your makeup done at the mall?”
“N-no. I don’t wear makeup.”
“Then it’s settled. We’re making a day of this. The office called this morning and said they had to change your appointment to three this afternoon. Let’s go downtown to the Magnificent Mile.”
The idea of being in such an expensive area wasn’t appealing. The people there looked at me like they’d walked on better things. I didn’t want their charity either. “We don’t have to.”
Kristine didn’t give up. “We can go to Water Tower Place. I know the perfect department store that can show you how to apply some makeup. Oh, and if we hurry, we might be able to have your hair done.”