I open my mouth to speak, but she silences me with a few well-placed fingers. “I’m not finished.”
I smile, gently rubbing her hip through her pajama pants.
“I don’t regret the decision I made. I did what I thought was right for my son. Our son. You scared me that day, Ben. What I saw in that basement dungeon scared me. I didn’t want that for Rowan. I still don’t, but I see now what I didn’t back then. It was always inevitable, and I’ve made my peace with it now. Continuing to fight fate is a waste of energy, and after today, I’m done trying. To exist in this world, I need to find a way to fit in, and that is what I will do. I don’t regret the decisions I made, but that doesn’t mean they sat easy with me. Because they didn’t, Ben.”
I don’t doubt it’s the truth because it radiates from her like a beacon. “I thought of you every single day. It was hard not to, when I saw so much of you in Rowan, especially as he got older. And I carried the guilt of depriving you of one another around with me the entire time. I don’t want you to think it was easy to deny you your son because it wasn’t, even if I didn’t regret my decision because it was the only decision.”
I nod because I get it. I do. And I don’t blame her for it anymore.
“The other thing I don’t regret is that night in Vegas.” Her eyes burn with a mixture of emotion. “How could I when it has given us the most precious gift?” A single tear rolls down her face. “He’s a miracle. Our miracle. Every time I look at Rowan and I see parts of you and parts of me, I marvel at the wonder that is human nature.”
More tears roll down her face as she cups my cheek. “I want you to know how much that night meant to me. It was the most erotic, intimate moment of my life. I have never felt as close to another soul as I did to you that night, Ben. When I look back now, I think it was obvious we were creating a new life because I felt it.” Her hand leaves my face, moving to her heart and then her stomach. “I felt it in here and here. I know that sounds crazy, but that night was magical. I have never been like that with anyone else. Never felt the things I felt that night. I have never been as free and uninhibited to just let myself explore and feel like I did with you that night, and I can never regret it, despite how cold you were to me the next day. That night, I realized my crush wasn’t just a crush. It never had been.”
She lets that statement hang there for me to draw my own, obvious, conclusions. I open my mouth to speak again because I can’t let that go unacknowledged, but she shakes her head, urging me to remain silent.
“I know you didn’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. I don’t have any expectations when it comes to us, Ben. I know you want to marry me as the best way to protect me and Rowan, and I’m not going to fight you on it. I will do whatever it takes to keep Rowan safe, and I know you will too.” She wipes her tears away, softly smiling. “I just wanted you to know that,” she quietly adds, her voice barely louder than a whisper.
Slowly, I lower my head, my eyes dropping to her lips so she knows my intent and can stop it. She doesn’t though, sighing instead when my mouth meets hers. I kiss her softly. More softly than I have ever kissed anyone. More softly than I thought I was capable of. I pour everything I’m feeling into the kiss while holding my potent lust back because lust has no place in this kiss.
She kisses me without hesitation, and the hope that has been lying dormant in my chest these past few weeks surges to the surface, buoyed by her words and her reaction. But she’s been through an ordeal today, and a part of me understands that could be influencing her behavior. Reluctantly, I pull my lips back, hauling her body in flush to mine, holding her close as I dot kisses into her hair. My heart thumps to a new beat as I hold her tight, savoring the feel of her in my arms. Reveling in how right it feels.
I have never let myself get vulnerable with any woman, but Sierra gave me her truth, and I owe her mine in return. Clearing my throat, I ease out of our embrace because I want to look her in the eye when I tell her this. “I was angry when I first discovered the truth. So fucking angry and hurt, but I understand now, and I don’t blame you or harbor any ill will toward you for making the decisions you have made.”
Keeping one hand on her hip, I run my free hand through her silky hair. “I know you did what you did for Rowan, and it was the right call. He’s amazing, Firefly. Such a happy, well-rounded kid. And yes, I know some of that is his personality, but a lot of it is thanks to you. You have always put him first. You show him unconditional love. You support him and keep him safe without clipping his wings. You are willing to sacrifice your own happiness for his. You did what my mother was never strong enough to do, and I could never hold that against you.” I cup her face in my hands. “Stop feeling guilty. Forgive yourself because I have already forgiven you.”
She chokes on a sob as I bring my lips to hers again, dusting light kisses along her mouth and her cheeks and her jawline.
“Do you really mean that?” she asks, as I press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears and naked emotion.
“I do.” I stop kissing her, holding a hand to her back, drawing her close again. “There’s more.” Her hopeful gaze encourages me to continue. “I didn’t mean a word of what I said to you the morning after our night together in Vegas.” I don’t really remember what I said, just that I was cold and cruel on purpose, saying the things I needed to say that would keep her away. “I deliberately pushed you away, Firefly, because I didn’t want this life for you. You deserve so much more than what I can offer.” A pang of guilt spreads across my chest.
“What about Saskia? Did you mean what you said at the house earlier?”
“Every word.” I draw soothing circles on her back with my fingers. “Saskia means nothing to me. She never has.”
“Then why did you date her?”
35
BEN
I’d prefer not to talk about her sister when I finally have Sierra back in my bed, but she needs to hear this. I see the vulnerability in her eyes, the doubt that still lingers there, and it needs to end now.
“I met Saskia two months after my mother OD’d,” I explain. She rests her hands on my bare chest, and the warmth of her skin seeps deep into my bones, comforting me. “I was in a really bad place. I felt responsible for Mom’s death because I had left for college and I didn’t look back. I didn’t know how bad things had gotten because I hadn’t been home in over a year. If I had been there or visited more often, I might’ve prevented it.”
“I don’t know the full history, but she made her own choices, Ben. Her death isn’t on you.”
“I know that now, but at the time, it felt like I’d failed her. Like I ruined her life by existing and then I abandoned her. She died, and then I got kicked out of college for beating up a guy on my football team. The jerk was mouthing off about my mom, and I lost it. Beat him so bad he ended up at the hospital. My grades had slipped, and I knew I was going to lose my scholarship, so it was inevitable anyway. That was two weeks before I met Saskia. I was sleeping on Terry’s couch. I had nowhere else to go. Nothing to do. Things were looking bleak.”