I lick my lips nervously as I turn my gaze on Celeste. She loves me no matter what, so it’s easier to admit my truth this way. “I talked to Lilly.”
“Excuse me? What? When?”
“This morning, actually,” I confess, and the chopping stops.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Did you tell Willa?” I can hear the annoyance in her voice.
Still unable to look at her, I say, “I texted Willa what was discussed but nothing more.”
“Nothing more?” she asks. When I don’t elaborate, she demands, “Kirby, look at me.”
I swallow hard since looking at her is the last thing I want to do now. When I do, our eyes meet, and she tilts her head to the side. “What happened?”
I rehash the whole conversation, and Jaylin listens. With every word, I can see that annoyance morph more into pure anger. Her eyes narrow to slits, and she crosses her arms over her chest as she stands there listening. “And you know she only is saying that to be a hateful person and none of it is true, correct?”
I want to nod. I want to lie. I want to act like her words had no effect on me, but instead, I say, “Honestly, Jay, I have a tendency of thinking the same thing about myself, so hearing it fucked with me.”
“What? Why? Kirby, you’re incredible. You’re such a kind, smart, and gorgeous man. Perfect father and fantastic boyfriend. How can you think anything different?”
I’m unable to speak, my heart is pounding like mad, and then I see realization move across her face.
“You want to help Evan so much because you deal with the same thing.”
It’s an insane sensation to have someone just get you. To understand you and respect you. I love her so much. “I do, not to the magnitude that he does because I’ve learned coping skills and I know what I need to do to make the thoughts go away, but Lilly has always known what to say to cut me down and make me feel small. She plays on all the shit that hurts me.”
She nods. “It’s completely unfair that she does that, and I’m sorry she behaves that way. What can I do to make it better?”
I meet her gaze. “Just being here makes it better, Jay,” I admit, and she walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. “I tend to jump to the worst-case scenario, and I often fear I’m not good enough for anyone to stay for. I think that’s why it took so long for me to really fight for you.”
She cups my face, gazing up at me. “We are good. I promise you, Kirby. Our relationship is sound. I mean, I told my mom about you. I even called you my boyfriend—or manfriend, I can’t remember—but I admitted to being in a relationship with you. Don’t question us.”
I grin, cupping her ass in my hands. “I try not to. I know I asked you to stay and I know you’re not ready, but I worry that’s one of those things that’ll fuck with me. Like, why can’t I be your safe haven? I go over it again and again. How can I make it better for you because I don’t want you to leave? Ever. I want you here. Forever—” I pause, pressing my lips together. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like I’m guilting you. I’m not. I just want you. All the time.”
She runs her fingers along my jaw, her eyes soft. But I can see the fear in them. “I want the same, Kirby. I do. But the sleeping-over thing is a shitshow for me. I swear I am trying. I stay here all day, but then it gets to nighttime, and I freak. I just feel so exposed, not in my bed. Maybe I need to go back to therapy for it.”
“I’ve done a lot of therapy.”
“I have too,” she says grudgingly. “I didn’t like it that much. Hated it, actually.”
“I’ll go with you,” I volunteer, holding her close. “If it helps you. Though, I’m unsure if that’s allowed.”
She grins. “I don’t know. I’m not truly committed to the therapy thing, not my jam. I don’t like talking about things I can’t defeat.”
“I hear that, but we can’t succeed without figuring out what is holding us back. And sometimes a therapist is the one to help with that.”
She holds my gaze. “Or maybe it takes the help of an incredible man.”
I kiss her nose. “I can be that for you.”
“You already are,” she whispers against my lips. “I wonder…I may need you to get me liquored up so I can’t drive.”
My eyes dance with hers. “I can arrange that.”
“I bet you can,” she laughs, leaning into me. “I’m trying. I promise.”
“I know,” I say as confidently as I can. “I wanted you to know my struggles—”
“Don’t call it that. I don’t call a chemical imbalance in your brain a struggle. It’s an obstacle, and fuck that obstacle—you can beat it.”
She gives me such confidence. “I can. I know I can. I just get in my head.”
“Yes. And I get it. You’ve been left behind a lot and no one has ever put you first, but Kirby, I will. I can, no problem. And, ugh, okay, so I wasn’t going to tell you this because doing so makes it really, really real, but the reason I don’t want Willa telling Feliciana about us isn’t because I’m worried how it will make me look. Or that I have to defend us.”
I eye her, confused. “Then what is it?”
“If they asked me to choose between you and my job, I know it’s early in our relationship and that I won’t sleep here and that I may be terrified of being in a relationship, but—” She pauses, her eyes searching mine. “But I wouldn’t be able to choose my job over you.”
Talk about being hit harder than ever. I feel as if I’m playing goalie without pads, letting Chandler beam me with pucks, but it feels so damn good. I gaze down into her brown depths, falling deeper and deeper in love with her. “Really?”
“Really. I should have realized it all those times I left my office in the middle of the day with no thought at all except just to be with you or Celeste. You two have wiggled your way to the number one position in my life, and I’m honestly okay with it. I never thought it would happen since I love my job—but I want it. My demons are just that, demons. But I will beat them, and I will find my safe haven. With you. I just need some time.”
I lean toward her, capturing her mouth with mine as my heart pounds in my chest. I can feel hers pounding just as hard, and I couldn’t imagine this moment to be any better. This is working; we’re building a beautiful relationship, and I couldn’t be happier.
As I pull back, not far enough for our lips not to touch but enough to breathe, I open my eyes to meet hers. “I have something else to confess to you, Jaylin.”
Her lashes kiss her cheeks as she cups my jaw. “Should I put this down on the record? Or is it just between you and me?”
I grin, running my fingers along her collarbone. “On the record.”
“Oh, so it’s official?”
“Extremely.”
“Okay, what is it?”
My eyes get lost in hers; my body trembles with the need and want I have for her. My heart is going crazy in my chest, and with everything inside me, I proudly announce, “I’m falling for you. Hard.”
She takes in a sharp breath, her lips curving as she nods. Her eyes are a bit glossy as she leans forward, holding me close as her lips touch my bottom lip. She may say it in a whisper, but I know she means it. I know she feels it like I do.