“Are you fine?”
“Why?” Ned asked but didn’t meet his gaze.
“Because you just killed a man with your bare hands.”
Ned licked his lips and stayed silent for a bit, adjusting his hat so it sat lower on his head. “He had a knife at your throat. He’d made his choice.”
“He did, but don’t act as if it don’t matter. You’re not like that.”
Ned cocked his head and finally looked into Cole’s eyes. “I’m exactly like that. I robbed and killed before, so don’t make me into some wholesome farm boy, because that man’s long gone.”
Anger buzzed inside Cole, and he twisted the front of Ned’s shirt in his hand, pulling him in. “And you don’t make yourself into a man with no morals!”
Ned’s frown deepened. “Why do you care what morals I have or don’t?”
It was a provocation, and Cole pulled him even closer, so he could see what hid in the depths of Ned’s green eyes. “Why do you no longer care what I think?”
That finally stunned Ned into mulling over his answer. “I do… But my fate was sealed when I pulled the trigger all those years ago. You were there. No use pretending I’m something I’m not.”
“Ned, you did what you had to every time. Even that girl. If it wasn’t for you, that child would have blown my brains out with another bullet! You must know this. One life would have been lost that night. You just chose which one.”
Ned’s face twisted. “And we shouldn’t have been there in the first place. We’ve made bad choices, and other people paid for them.”
“Men can change. Neither of us does that kind of thing anymore. You can’t live in the past,” Cole snapped and let go of Ned, swallowing the hypocrisy of his own words.
Ned shook his head and… walked off despite mumbling. “Why didn’t you make better choices, huh? There is no future for you now.” There was something more, but Ned had gone too far away for Cole to hear it. Still, the accusation was so infuriating Cole stalked after him and yanked at his sleeve.
“I made the best I could of my life. The only time that matters is now!”
Ned turned back so abruptly they almost butted heads, and Cole had to take a step back. “No it don’t. What I did matters. I shot Homer Craig, a good man, straight in the face just because I knew his son would go after me instead of you. I blew a girl’s head off to save you, and the now is that I would have done it all over again. That means I’m still that same scum.”
A heavy weight settled deep in Cole’s stomach, and he stared straight back. “Maybe you should have let them do it then?”
“Maybe you should have let Lars shoot me,” Ned growled, breathing hard as Cole’s entire body stiffened, poked by invisible stings.
“I’m sorry he’s dead, but I don’t regret shooting that bullet,” Cole said through the rock forming in his throat. If Lars had shot Ned, Cole would have killed him anyway.
“And I did what I did, because I chose to. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. You forgot I’m the Wolfman?”
“Stop it with the Wolfman already!” Cole shouted, pushing Ned back when his anger became too fiery to manage. “You know right from wrong, and you prove it every time, so either let me die next time or come to your senses!”
Ned grabbed Cole’s wrist and pulled so hard Cole fell forward, into his arms. “This is what I know is right.”
Cole stilled, unable to make himself meet Ned’s eyes, so instead he stared at his hand—rough and spotted with freckles—squeezing his longer, tawny fingers. His chest tightened around his heart, which beat fast, like when he’d taken a bit too much cocaine for his last cough.
He wanted to push Ned back. To kiss him and believe in his sincerity, but he’d already made up his mind. He’d leave Ned here, let him try all the pleasures he’d been living without up in the mountains. He’d already told Terje to approach Ned once the time was right, and if all went well, Ned might realize that Cole wasn’t the man for him. That he was just a man.
And once that happened, their joyful first love would be forgotten like a delicious meal eaten a few days back.
“Let’s go find Tommy,” he muttered, slipping his hand out of Ned’s grasp.
Chapter 21
Cole hadn’t seen such a multitude of people since attending a bare-knuckle boxing event in New York City, but the folk who chose to spend their Saturday evening at Jan Dudek’s show weren’t quite the same crowd. Sure, plenty of boozed-up men walked around, but also women, and children. He’d even spotted a young couple pushing a wheeled chair so an elderly relative of theirs could enjoy a change of pace and see the circus before it started packing up tomorrow.
Midnight wasn’t that far off, but stragglers still gravitated in the alleys, buying snacks, playing games, and paying extra for special attractions, such as Parita’s Cleopatra act.
Then again, what was real in the circus other than the daily grind of everyone involved?
Cole enjoyed her show for aesthetic reasons, but men got so rowdy in Parita’s presence Roger needed to stand by the stage at all times, and had a bell to call for help. It was a mystery how he could stand all the lecherous eyes gliding across his wife’s body every single night when Cole found someone ogling a naked photograph of Ned unbearable.
Ned had earned Archibald’s attention during the monkey’s calculus show, and now that the grounds were closing down, the little imp wouldn’t leave his shoulder, greedily accepting the morsels of food fed to him. Tommy stayed at Ned’s side as well and had convinced him to buy candy with Cole’s money.
Yet more pennies left Ned’s pocket when he agreed to participate in a horseshoe-throwing game to win a wooden horse for the boy, but Cole didn’t scold him. He had more than enough money still hidden inside his saddle, and watching them enjoy themselves brought him unexpected pleasure. In the colorful lights bouncing off glass lanterns, the man, the boy, and their dog presented a picture of a future Cole could have if Ned wasn’t an unpredictable man who threw mementos into fire and always wanted more of Cole’s heart. Just tonight though, Cole imagined visiting a circus like this and being able to hold Ned’s hand as if they were sweethearts.
But those were silly dreams that could never come to life, so he focused on chatting with Tommy, who wouldn’t stop signing about the feats of the acrobats. He also pointed out that were he a magician, like Jan, he’d have pulled money out of his hat instead of rabbits, and lived in a big house by the ocean. So young and already seeing through horseshit. Maybe he wouldn’t do too badly in the future?
Dog followed them everywhere. He was as much Tommy’s pet by now as he was Ned’s. When a woman stopped by to stroke the mutt’s head and inquire about the missing leg, jealousy rose in Cole’s throat, because he could see what she really wanted was an excuse to talk to Ned. At least Ned had no interest in women to the point of never bedding even one. Then again, he could have lied about that. He could have lied about every single thing, and Cole had no way to find out the truth.
That was the problem with people. Unless someone was as obvious in their lies as Gavin, they might present fantasies as fact without anyone finding out until it was too late. One might have argued that the fake identity Parita assumed when she claimed to have been born in an Egyptian caravan was as harmless as Terje’s stories of growing up among tigers in Africa rather than in the capital of Norway, but the fact that such ridiculous lies were taken for fact was yet more proof that no one should be trusted.