When I’d left the accountant, we’d shaken hands then I walked off into the night.
The smile that had been placed on my face had slowly slid off when I thought about Rodger and what I’d be returning to. He didn’t see me as a partner, we had strict roles in life. He wore the trousers and I, well, I kept house. Even though I had a good job and brought in the same money as he did.
Many women would be happy with my lot in life. But to me, something was missing. I just didn’t know what.
It was the musings filling my head which blocked out my awareness of my surroundings. Not that I’d done anything different were I thinking about something else instead, I can’t blame Rodger for what happened. Of course I knew women shouldn’t walk alone at night, but I never thought something would happen to me. Until it did.
I’d been completely oblivious that the luxury of wondering whether the man I chose to be with was the one with whom I wanted to stay, or anything I had any say over would be stripped away. That I could accept or turn down any man who wanted to fuck me was no longer an option. When I was taken, my preference counted for nothing. I had no say in anything. It was a hard lesson to learn, but learn it I did. I’d do what I was told, or I’d be beaten and tortured until I complied.
My comfortable, if boring, life had disappeared in a flash. My world became one of pain, fear and suffering instead. Until Esme appeared, I’d become resigned that my only release would end with my death.
Esme had given me something to fight for. My determination only grew as she became so scared, she wouldn’t talk. Things that were done to me shouldn’t be suffered by any woman, let alone a child. I knew I’d do anything to save her, even when I’d given up on saving myself.
At the time, I couldn’t see how we could get out, just knew we either had to, or I’d die in the attempt. Major’s belief that he’d fully broken me offered a chance. Desperation drove me to carry out the attempt which seemed to have little likelihood of success. But fortune had been with us that night, and we’d fled.
It was fear of her being recaptured that spurred me to do what I had done and allow that truck driver to have me, so he’d take us out of Nevada. He’d griped after that it had been far from the best fuck of his life, as all I could do was lie there shaking and unmoving, hating his hands on me, and as for his dick? I froze when that had touched me.
But he’d fulfilled his part of the bargain and hadn’t pressed for a repeat.
It was at that point I knew I’d never willingly let a man near me again in my life.
I hated what I’d become. I was now a woman fearful of men. Far from regarding them as equals, I now knew how they could control me with their superior strength and their ability to inflict pain. I was terrified of darkness descending if I wasn’t safe inside at night. I was a wreck but held it together for Esme. Esme had kept me as alive as much as I’d done her.
I hadn’t told Mace when he’d persuaded me to give up my waitressing job that I’d already been in danger of being fired. Andy was losing patience and profit with me working there. I’d dropped too many plates to count, jumping when a man got too close, or had tried to grab my ass as I was bent over a table cleaning up. I hated not earning a living, but it hadn’t taken much persuasion for me to stop going to the diner to work.
One moment in time. One shift in the universe and the planets aligned against me. Everything had changed, my life turned on its head.
I often think back to that final night, not the day when I last saw Rodger, but going out for a drink with the accountant. I’d been a confident woman, completely comfortable spending time with a man I knew via work. I didn’t question I could hold my own in a masculine world.
My experiences have revealed my true self. Now, far from being a strong independent woman, I know I’m weak. Maybe I always was, seeing as how I’d allowed Rodger to take advantage for far too long.
Now I know the depravities men will stoop to. They don’t even have to have brains, it’s their brawn which counts. They can act on their desires when I can do nothing to stop them. Men, I’ve learned, don’t understand ‘no, stop, it hurts’. They don’t care as long as they get what they’re after.
I couldn’t let myself be taken again; I wouldn’t survive if Major found me. I can’t say why, but something tells me Major doesn’t mark someone as property and then let them go, not without doing everything he could to recover them, leaving no stone unturned in the process. He’ll kill me for covering his tattoo.
I’d tried to dismiss that thought as soon as it went through my head, but the evidence was something I couldn’t forget. One of the other women rubbed and rubbed her back against some brickwork in an effort to remove it herself. That her back was raw and bloody wasn’t enough. He poured petrol on her, set her alight and forced the rest of us to watch her burning. The message had been clear. We were his for the rest of our lives.
I knew getting mine and Esme’s tattoos removed were a risk, but given the options of staying free or him taking me back, it was one I was willing to take. I never wanted anyone to see my back and ask me who I belonged to, or heaven help me, try to find him so they can do the opposite of what the Satan’s Devils were doing, and return me to Major.
When I’d first arrived at the compound, I was nervous, wondering what they wanted from me. But they raised no finger to hurt me, nor made any demands I’d be unable to fulfil. I saw the Devils were doing all they could to help me, even though I don’t understand why, except it seems, their view of women is in direct contrast to Major’s. They found Esme’s parents and having checked they were a loving family, reunited her with them. Their actions couldn’t be faulted. Me? They’re allowing to stay while the work on my tattoo is completed. I’ve felt secure here, safe from Major.
But I’m no longer their focus, and nor should I be. The Devils are preoccupied with one of their own in the hospital. Just how safe is it to stay?
It’s best to keep moving.
There’s an uneasiness inside me about allowing myself to get too comfortable here. If I’m tempted to put down roots in one place, Major is certain to catch up with me. I’d promised myself when I’d escaped that I’d keep moving on. It worries me how I’m starting to relax with the men of the club around me. That’s dangerous. I can’t afford to let my guard down.
So why did I just have my hands on Mace?
Mace has been nothing but kind to me, careful and respectful, but still he’s got a cock and balls which makes him no different to the rest. I had been determined to keep my distance from him and everyone else.
But tonight, he was hurting. His best friend could be dying, or if he comes around, who knows who he’ll awake as. Mace might have lost the man he knows for good.
Something like this is draining, I know. I’d already lost my parents in a car accident when I was just a kid, and my Gramma had raised me. I’d sat by her hospital bed, hoping she’d wake one last time, but she never did. For her it was blissful, her suffering from the cancer which had ravaged her ended at last. I’d felt lost and helpless when she’d taken her last breath. Yes, I know the pain of that hoping, that eternal optimism that you’ll speak to someone again, that it hadn’t been the last time you’d heard their voice.