Once Lizard is wheeled into the room where Mace and I have been waiting, it’s so similar to twelve years ago when Lizard was recovering from his initial head injury. Me sitting beside his bed waiting, hoping, praying that he’d open his eyes. Of course, back then, no one was waiting with me. My mother—at that time we were still talking—would take Cas and look after him for me, for that month I’d barely left Lizard alone.
Just as then, I stare at the machine that’s recording his heart rate, my mind going back to those times the beep had become a continuous sound. Twice it had happened, twice they’d had to intervene to get his heart pumping blood around his body again. I’d all but died with him each time. Only the thought of Cas sustained me.
“He’ll be fine, Vanna.” Mace is staring at me, an intense expression on his face.
“Once he wakes, I’ll go,” I tell him, knowing I have to. “He won’t recognise me, and it will confuse him as to why I’m here. We’ll tell him I was keeping you company.”
“No lies, Vanna. If Liz hears that, then finds out who you are to him, he’ll murder me if in his head he’s linked you and me.”
There’s truth in that I suppose.
It’s a waiting game just like I remember from before. I like it no better.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The incessant noise would drive me crazy if it weren’t that it shows my man is alive. I eye the large white dressing on his head, and then my eyes drop to the features of the face. I still love as much as the day I said my vows. His hair is longer now, down past his shoulders, when then it was military short. Idly, I think he’s probably had a patch shaved for his surgery, and wonder whether he’ll have to shave off the rest to match it. I hope he grows it again, as it suits him long.
All these thoughts go through my head as Mace and I sit in silence as hour after hour goes past, the only interruptions being the nurse coming in to check on the man lying so still in the bed.
“Did you see that?” Mace asks sharply but quietly. “His eyelid twitched. Liz? Lizard, Brother? Can you hear me?”
“Lizard?” I prompt him myself.
The man in the bed groans. Then his eyes start to flutter, then they open. They scan the room and land on me.
He groans again, then his lips slowly curve, and he breathes out a word that’s difficult to understand but sounds like my name. I draw in breath sharply as his eyes close, willing him to wake up and say it again. I hardly dare breathe, certain I imagined it.
Mace smiles at me, he’d heard it too.
Lizard sleeps on, I sit, hoping beyond hope I’d seen recognition in his face.
Next time he wakes, he seems more alert. He says something, but it’s unintelligible. He makes an effort and tries again. “Vanna.”
I’m still. He knows me. He. Knows. Me.
“You look different,” he mumbles. His head must pain him, as he reaches up his left hand to touch it. As he encounters strands of his hair, his brow furrows in confusion. He tugs at his dirty blond locks, then grimaces. “What the fuck is this?”
“It’s your hair, Brother,” Mace tells him, his tone light, almost playful with the relief Lizard is talking again.
“It’s not my fucking hair,” Lizard growls. Then his eyes sharpen, and he blinks rapidly as if trying to bring Mace into focus. “Who the fuck are you?” he asks. “I ain’t your brother. Haven’t got one.”
He recognises me, but not Mace? I see Mace’s eyes widen in shock, but I’ve been here before. At least this time, he knows me, and selfishly, for me, that’s enough.
“Lizard?” I ask slowly, bringing his attention back to me.
“What’s happened to me, Vanna?” He frowns. “How did I get here? I was on tour… then… I can’t remember. Am I stateside?”
This is everything I’ve wanted for twelve years. For my husband to recognise me. But something’s wrong, it’s as though the clock’s been wound back again. I reach for his right hand and grasp it, noticing he doesn’t squeeze back. “You had a brain tumour, Liz, but they’ve gotten it all out. It was benign, so nothing to worry about. Turns out that’s why you were having headaches.”
But my explanation isn’t accepted. “What are you talking about? Headaches? Can’t remember having any. Don’t know how I got here.” His eyes close in pain. “Where am I?”
I’m not sure what to answer, so settle for, “Home.”
“Good,” he breathes out. “Home until I ship out again. Where’s our baby, Vanna? Where’s little Cas? Has he grown since I’ve been gone?”
My eyes lock with Mace’s.
The nurse Mace had summoned enters. “Oh, you’re awake. Glad to have you back with us Mr James. How are you feeling?”
“My head hurts.”
“It will, I’m afraid, you’ve had brain surgery. The doctor has prescribed painkillers, there’s a morphine pump beside you.”
She places it by his right hand, but Lizard makes no move to use it. “Don’t want to feel sleepy.”
I’m about to tell Lizard he doesn’t need to stay conscious, rest is probably the best thing to help his recovery. Selfishly, I want to stay talking to him in case this memory recall is only temporary, but I stay quiet.
The nurse checks his eyes, then asks if he can move his fingers and toes.
After a moment, Lizard begins to get agitated when he realises he can’t move his right arm or leg.
“Lizard, the doctor warned the swelling on your brain might cause temporary lack of movement.” I try to calm him down.
“Temporary?”
“I’ll get the doctor to come and explain,” the nurse says calmly. “But you’re talking, and that’s a good sign Mr James. A lot of patients can’t when they first awake.” Then, she asks. “Do you know where you are?”
“I presume I was flown stateside after some incident or other. I’m in the hospital.”
She purses her lips but doesn’t contradict him. “And do you remember your name and personal details?”
He gives a slight grin. “I’m Norton James, otherwise known as Lizard. I’m twenty-six years old, I’m married to a wonderful woman called Vanna, and I’ve a two-year-old son named Castiel. And you,” he turns to Mace, his expression hardening. “Don’t know who the fuck you are and don’t like you sniffing around my wife. You can get gone.”
At that moment I know I’m going to lose it. I stand and run to the door and out into the hallway leaving Lizard with Mace and the nurse. My face is in my hands and my shoulders are shaking.
Mace has followed me out. “It’s okay, Vanna. It’s okay. Liz is going to be fine.”
I raise my head so he can see I’m half crying and half laughing hysterically. “He remembers me, but not you. He’s lost twelve years, Mace.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Vanna
“I’m sorry, Mace.” I make an effort to pull myself together, knowing I do have a habit of laughing at inappropriate moments. My relief at Lizard coming around and then recognising me had morphed into morbid laughter when it had really sunk in what his brain had done. Wiped the last twelve years, while allowing him to remember he was married with a child. A child who’s still two years old in his mind.