She closed her eyes. Cal knew her too damn well. “I’m always quiet.”
“Not with panic station me.” He cleared his throat. “Everything all right? How’s the job training going?”
She heard the unspoken question in that. He wasn’t just asking about her job. He was asking about Jasper. “I’m supposed to go onstage for a live appearance tomorrow night at the improv show. I’m going to reveal Miz Poppy.”
“Holy shit,” he said on an exhale. “That’s…wow.”
“I know. I’m completely freaked out about it,” she admitted. “But I’ve been rehearsing all week. I need to do this. It will let me keep the Miz Poppy name even if NOLA Vibe lets me go.”
“It’ll also help the kill the lights boyfriend, I imagine,” he said, a bitter note entering his voice.
“Don’t,” she said, too tired to get irritated. “Please. Jasper doesn’t need my help. I think he just landed a starring role in a TV show. He’s going to be moving to LA.”
The couch squeaked again. “Wait, what?”
She closed her eyes. “It’s an amazing break for him. It’s what he’s been waiting for his whole life.”
“Motherfucker,” Cal breathed. “I knew it. I knew that guy would let you down. Hollyn, I’m so sorry.”
“He didn’t let me down,” she said, her tears quietly slipping out. “I told him to go for it. How could I not? Who am I but some random woman he met a few months ago? He can’t stay for me. I would never ask him to give up his big break.”
Cal groaned. “See, that’s where you’re hella good wrong, Tate. You’re worth giving up everything for. You’re worth loving that hard. You are the big break. You need to start seeing that. Panic station.”
Her heart fissured in her chest. Why couldn’t it be Cal? She loved Cal so much, but after that last night with Jasper, she knew in her gut that she could never feel with Cal what she felt with him. So even though Jasper was leaving, she wasn’t going to default to Cal. He deserved better than that.
Being around Cal made her comfortable to be herself. But being around Jasper made her want to fight to be the best version of herself she could become. She liked who she was when she was with Jasper. He pushed her. So even if she couldn’t have him, she knew that she needed to wait until she felt that magic again with someone. Love wasn’t enough. She could love a lot of people. But only one had set her heart on fire. She needed to find that again or be okay being alone. She wouldn’t settle for less.
“I love you, Cal,” she said, her voice scratchy with tears.
He sighed. “I love you, too, Tate. And it’s okay. Kill the lights.”
She sniffled. “What is?”
“That even with Jasper leaving, you’re still going to tell me no,” he said, his tics quiet. “I knew the minute you let me leave New Orleans that it wasn’t going to happen.”
“Cal…”
“I deserve someone who wouldn’t let me walk out,” he said, no ire in his voice.
She pressed her lips together and nodded even though he couldn’t see her. “You absolutely do. You deserve the world. I’m sorry I can’t be that person.”
She could hear him shifting on the other side of the phone. “It’s okay. Kill the lights. I’ve thought about it a lot since we talked. You’re my comfort zone, too. Maybe I’ve held on a little too long because I know you’ll always hella good accept me how I am. Girls like that I play guitar. Some like how I look. If I want to do the hookup thing, it’s usually not a hella good problem. But when it comes to longer-term stuff, the tics are a lot for most people. Maybe I’m just as scared as you that I’ll end up alone.”
Her chest compressed, her heart squeezing for him. “No, you won’t.”
“No?” he asked, sounding exhausted by it all.
“No matter what happens,” she said, pulling the covers higher, “I won’t let you be alone. We’ve always got each other. Maybe not for the kissing stuff. But for the friendship stuff. I will always be here for you.”
He let out a long breath. “Back at you, Tate. You can always be the Dorothy to my Blanche.”
She grinned through her tears. “Why do you get to be Blanche?”
“Because I’m the unashamed slut. Hella good. Obviously.”
She sagged back against her pillow. “I missed you.”
“Me too.” He made a sound in the back of his throat. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Jasper.”
She rolled her eyes. “No, you’re not.”
“Okay, fine. I didn’t like the guy. But I liked knowing you were happy.”
She put her hand to her chest, pressing there, wishing she could fix the hurt those simple words stirred. You were happy. Past tense.
Cal shifted on his couch again, and she wondered if he was having problems with his tics. Sometimes when he got tired, the motor ones got more pronounced. “So, what time is this event of yours tomorrow night?” he asked. “I think I have an itch for a comedy show.”
“Oh, seriously, you don’t have to come,” she said. “It’ll probably be a disaster.”
“It won’t and Blanche would never miss Dorothy’s improv debut. Give me the time. I’m going.”
Something unlocked in her muscles. Despite everything, knowing a friendly face would be in the audience sounded like a godsend. “Seven thirty.”
“I’ll be there.”
“Thanks, Cal.”
“Anytime, Tate.”
She cradled the phone closer to her ear. “I love you.”
“I know.”
She laughed. “Overused line.”
“Don’t care. A classic is a classic.”
She told him goodbye, feeling a little better that they had set things right between them again. Even with her heart broken, she didn’t have to be alone. Love came in many forms. Maybe she needed to be satisfied with the friendship kind.
For now, it would have to be enough.
Chapter Thirty-One
Jasper woke up with a head full of stampeding elephants and a mouth full of ash as sunlight pierced his eyelids. He groaned and rolled to his side, trying to hide from the light, and pressed his cheek to the cool silk of the pillow. His thoughts stumbled. Silk?
The unexpected sensation had him squinting his eyes open. Gauzy white curtains and bright sunlight filled his gaze. He didn’t recognize the room at all. Where the hell was he?