Amy is not alive.
Could I have saved her? If I had just gotten there a little earlier? If I had just listened to my instincts? That’s why I brought Maia to the hospital. That’s why I stayed with her. That’s why I dragged her ass back to my house and kept her there with me.
Instinct.
She looked up at me with those big brown eyes, scared and bleeding, and something inside of me shifted. The world just moved differently. Had an alternate beat—one I had to listen to and follow.
I think of Maia and am unable to picture my world without her in it. And that shit right there? That shit knocks me sideways like no other.
Because I’ve lost someone I loved. In the most gruesome of ways.
And I will not, cannot, go through that again.
“You guys have been such an incredible audience tonight,” Jasper says as the song comes to a close. The crowd erupts in thunderous cheers and applause. “I mean it. This is why we love playing here, DC. You guys just know how to do it.”
I rotate my wrists, releasing some built-up tension. Playing the drums is a hell of a lot more demanding than playing the guitar or bass all night. It’s a non-stop workout that requires a strong back, abdominals, and arm muscles. It’s why I swim as many laps as I do and lift weights and run on my treadmill. No way I can keep this up without being in peak physical shape.
“This is our last song of the night and we want to thank you for coming out.” Jasper turns to me and in his eyes, I can see he’s about to switch things up. He doesn’t do this often in the middle of a tour or concert. The sound and lighting people like to have a strict set list. “Hey Keith?” he calls out, and I can’t stop my laugh. Gus and Henry are the same.
“What’s up, brother?” I reply, and for some reason, whenever I speak, I always get an extra loud burst of whistles or cheers. Maybe because no one expects much from the drummer other than, well, playing the drums.
“How do you feel about playing something new for the fine people here tonight?”
I pick back up my sticks and straighten my spine. I have a feeling where he’s going with this. “What’d you have in mind?”
Yup. That’s the devil’s grin on his face now. “Switch.”
I shake my head at him but start to tap out the opening beat for it all the same. Instead of growing more urgent, the crowd quiets down, anxious to hear a song no one has heard before. Gus throws me a withering glance before he follows in with Jasper. If I didn’t know Jasper wrote this song for me before, Gus’s expression now just confirmed it.
Time is a capsule unexplored.
Time is a lie with no detour.
But if time is a lie then you saw my truth.
A switch of fate no one can undo.
So brighten my sky, my darkest day.
Loves a game I no longer know how to play.
Switch. Switch. Switch it for me.
Lost in that memory rushing me out to sea.
Switch. Switch. Switch it that way.
That high I feel in your eyes is here to stay.
Switch. Switch. Switch till it stops bleedin’.
Finding you could be all I needed.
I listen to the lyrics. All of them. Similar to the way I did that first day when Maia and I were heading to the studio to lay it down. Is this what he’s telling me? That Maia is my switch? That finding her was all I needed?
We only have one more show after tonight and my plan is to have it all straight in my head by the time we reach home.
Because I don’t want Maia to move out.
I don’t want her to go apartment shopping the way she says she’s planning to. I want her in my bed every night for all the nights there are to come. I don’t even care if it’s too soon. Everything with Maia has been too soon and too rushed, and it doesn’t fucking matter.
I just need to not feel like shit every time I think about that, and it’s proving a little harder than I thought it would. I didn’t think the guilt would still hold on to me this tight after this long.
Still, I wanted Maia to know how special she is to me.
Making her happy is a drug I’ve become addicted to. She’s my unicorn. The proof that even the slightest rain can turn into a hurricane. Because I sure as shit never saw her coming. This crazy, wild girl has become every obsession I never knew was possible to have.
We end up playing “Time Surrender” as an encore, one of our biggest hits, and when we walk off the stage, all smiles and laughs, all I can think about burying myself deep inside of Maia. All I can think about is watching her as I do.
* * *
“Don’t look too excited,” Marco admonishes, wagging a finger in our direction. “You boys have a lounge appearance you’re scheduled to make.”
Shit. I forgot all about that. Some radio station set it up and that’s just how this business goes. This is the part we hate. Because there is no unwind when you’re not only on the clock but under public scrutiny with multiple cameras homed in on your face. It’s great to meet the fans directly and that’s what a lot of tonight will be, but still.
“Where’s Maia?” I ask, looking around for her. She’s either been on the side of the stage watching us every night or in here waiting on me.
“She said she wasn’t feeling great, so I sent her back to the hotel,” Marco explains, and my stomach drops. I should have said something today when she was telling me how happy I make her. Why didn’t I say it back? She’s had nothing good in her life, no love from anyone, and she opened her heart up to me.
And what did I do?
I didn’t fucking say anything!
“Is she okay?” Henry asks, concerned.
Marco shrugs. “I guess so. She looked a bit pale and said she had a headache. Probably just all this travel is catching up to her.”
She was unusually quiet and withdrawn after the soundcheck, and I know it’s because of me. I know I must have hurt her. She said she was fine when I asked, but how can she be?
“Can I bail on this tonight?” I ask Marco even though I already know his answer.
“Nice try. She’s probably sleeping anyway, and you guys made a commitment for all of you to be there.”
I sigh but nod in defeat.
I check my phone and find she messaged me earlier while I was on stage.
Maia: Going back to the hotel. I have a nasty headache. Kiss me when you come in.
Maybe she really does have a headache and I’m reading too much into this?
Me: Wish you were with me tonight. Hope you’re feeling better. Get some rest, my sweet darlin’.
She doesn’t respond, and I take that to mean she’s already asleep. Wasn’t I the one lamenting earlier today about how we haven’t gotten much sleep this week? Still, my chest sits uneasy as I showered and head over to the large downtown DC bar.
The radio station has completely taken over the space. The only people permitted inside are winners of contests done through the radio satiation as well as specific elite fans of the opening acts. We also gave away a hundred lottery tickets to fans of ours, so the place is pretty packed.
Before we even make it to the second floor, we take about fifty selfies and posed pictures as well as sign all the autographs the people in attendance want. I don’t mind this part. I never have and I know the guys feel the same. No matter how long we’ve been at this game, it’s still a trip that people not only want to meet us but give a shit about our name scrawled on something.