I let her have this. Because I know that it’s a tactic to stall the conversation she’s too nervous to have. I finish my plate of food before she does, which is pretty typical for us. I’m a fast eater. She savors. Neither of us say anything while we eat and I don’t say anything when I’m finished but she’s still eating. Slower than usual, I might add, but, again, I let her have this. She needs it.
Her emotions are all over the place but more than that, she doesn’t fully trust herself. She doesn’t fully trust this love that we share. Maybe because neither of us expected this, we weren’t looking for a relationship the night we met. We were both broken hearted and needed to forget for a few hours.
But she swept me away. Her smile makes my day better.
Being with Ashley is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I had all but written off love when I walked into the bar that night. I had decided that I was done. I’d thrown my hat in the ring a couple of times and it didn’t work out but turns out, I hadn’t really given much effort. I thought I did, but this love that I have for Ashley? It makes me want to go all in. Throw not just my hat in, but everything I have.
She brought me back to life. Back from somewhere I didn’t even know I had escaped into. Ashley tells me that she was a liar, a pretender, a fake, in all her past relationships. Turns out, I was, too. Until I met her, I didn’t know what it was like to be completely myself with someone and not be afraid that they’d run for the hills.
Until Ashley, I didn’t realize how different I was around others.
She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but she has to see it herself, too. I can’t be all in when she isn’t jumping into the pond with me. I can’t do that again. I won’t.
When her plate is empty, I take both hers and mine to the dishwasher and clean up the mess we made, wiping the counters and putting away the food in the fridge. When I’ve finished, I turn to face her, leaning on the island countertop with my hands spread wide and facing her.
I have a few options here. I act boldly. Or I wuss out and let her keep me on the outskirts.
Actually, I only have one option.
“I love you,” I say, looking into her eyes, glistening with unshed tears. “I love you. Not because you’re carrying my baby but because since the first night I held you, since the first night we played darts and ate crappy food and fell into each other’s arms, I’ve been yours. I fell hard but it wasn’t fast. It was a slow fall and I loved every second of it. But now I want you with me. I’ve been in love with you for months but didn’t have the guts to tell you.”
“Why?”
“You scare the shit out of me, Ashley. I can’t lose you. We haven’t had good luck in the past with relationships. We’ve been burned, we’ve struggled to find our footing and be our real selves for fear that we wouldn’t be loved. But it’s not that way with each other. We can be our true selves and know that we’re accepted.”
“How do you know I’m not pretending like I have in the past?”
“Because I know you. You haven’t faked anything since we first met,” I tell her, smiling. “Do you love me? Because I love you. A forever kind of love but it’s time you know. You deserve to know.”
“I’m scared.”
I nod, swallowing hard. “Me, too.”
“I won’t survive this loss.”
“There’s nothing to survive because there’s nothing for us to risk losing. I’m not going anywhere. I love you like Johnny loved June. Like Rip loves Beth.” I smirk, bringing up her favorite show, Yellowstone. She can’t deny that she gets excited for Cole Hauser in any role he plays, but in Yellowstone? She’s mush. A puddle of hotness for him.
“That’s not playing fair,” she whispers. “You can’t bring up Rip.”
I grin. “All’s fair in love and war, babe. Do you love me?”
She whimpers. “It’s not that simple.”
“It is that simple. Do you love me?”
“We’re having a baby together.”
“We are. Thank the good Lord because I can’t wait to see you holding our baby boy. To be by your side, keeping my eyes on you.” I wink.
“Now you’re bringing up Chase Rice? You’re evil.”
The corner of my mouth tips up. She once told me that one of her ex boyfriends got pissed if she ever mentioned a celebrity crush. Because all her past boyfriends have been giant dicks, apparently. Insecure assholes, basically. “Do you love me?”
She closes her eyes, a tear falling and making a trail down her right cheek. “I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can. Do you love me?” I count to ten before her eyes open. I round the island and hold her face in my hands. “Do. You. Love. Me?”
“Yes,” she whispers. “I can’t help it. I’ve tried, but I’m a sucker for you.”
“Thank fuck.”
I crush my mouth to hers and lift her off the stool, wrapping my arms around her. Our son growing in her stomach between us, keeping us apart but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I love you, Nik,” she proclaims when I release her mouth for a beat in order to trail my lips down her neck.
“Best words ever,” I reply.
“I do, you know. I love you. But if Rip or Chase comes knocking,” she jokes and then squeals when I attack her, tipping her back a little while keeping my hands on her back to hold her up.
“You little tease.”
“But you love me.”
“Yup. I do. Let me show you?”
“You don’t have to ask.”
“Hot damn, I just won the lottery.”
I tug her behind me to my bedroom, passing the room that she’s been staying in. I still can’t believe I got her convinced to move in. If there’s anything positive that came out of the damn near heart attack I had after hearing that she was in the accident, I suppose that’s it.
“You’re not staying in there anymore,” I tell her, motioning to the spare room. The minute she agreed to move in, I wanted her in my bed but knew I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, as my grandmother used to say. Be grateful we made that step. And I was grateful for it. I needed the reassurance that she was healthy and happy. That she wasn’t going to experience any late trauma or whatever from the accident. She gave me the gift of moving into my home and I could return with a gift of patience.
But my patience has run out. Hearing those three words from her sent me into overdrive. Slow mode is gone, replaced with pressing on the fast forward button. I don’t want to rush our time together, but I’m so damn eager for the next steps I can’t seem to tell my brain to relax.
“I’m not?” She’s amused. Happy. Seemingly on board and I’m going to cling to that.
“Fuck no. You’re in my bed from here on out.”
“So bossy.”
I spin around and wrap my arm around her, walking backward. I’d love to pin her against the wall, take her right here, but first of all, that’s not necessarily conducive to her current state, and second of all, I finally have her as mine, not just the two of us needing to scratch an itch or giving into our desires. We’re going to take our time together and I’m going to learn every inch of her body that I haven’t taken the time to explore yet. “Only bossy when it comes to the fun stuff.”