Bibi leveled me with a harsh look. “You honestly believe you would do that? After everything you’ve been through? Because I don’t.”
“No,” I admitted. “But I can’t know the future, except how impossibly hard it’s going to be. And if I do manage to keep my head above water, people won’t see the work. They’ll see a single mother with her baby daddy in jail… I’ll become a statistic.”
“I’m not going to hear you talk like that, Shiloh,” Bibi said sternly. “That’s small thinking. Behind every statistic is a human being with a story. Like your mama. She told you her awful secret but not how hard she struggled after.”
“But you know the whole story, Bibi. You’ve always known. They all did. Why didn’t you or Bertie or someone tell me?”
“Because Marie made us promise. She swore she’d do it her way, in her time.”
“Drunk, in front of everyone? In front of Ronan?” Shame wanted to curl me back into a ball.
“Her way and her time were all wrong, obviously. And over the years, I wanted to break my promise and tell you, proper. But you know why I didn’t?”
I shook my head.
“Because it didn’t matter.” She reached to touch my cheek. “You are a treasure to me, Shiloh, and have been since the moment you came to live here. I knew telling you would only make you question your worth. Instead, I tried to raise you to believe in yourself. To let your value come from within. And I think I did a pretty darn good job. You know how I know? Because you love Ronan Wentz with your whole heart.”
I nodded. “I do. I love him so much…”
“It’s very difficult—impossible even—to love another with your whole heart if you can’t find any of that love for yourself.”
I shook my head. “I still feel dirty now that I know. I am Mama’s pain, walking around in a flesh-and-blood body.”
“Once the shock of it loosens its hold, you’ll be able to think more clearly. And if you sit down and actually talk with your mama, you’ll have the whole truth. Understanding unlocks doors, child.”
I bit my lip, thinking. Bibi was right in that I needed to talk to Mama. Really talk. I couldn’t think about my own situation until I did. They were bound together, and I couldn’t make a decision about my future until I fully understood my past.
I hugged Bibi, kissed her cheek, and booked a flight to New Orleans.
When I arrived in Louisiana three days later, I took an Uber straight to Mama’s little shotgun house on Old Prieur Street in the Seventh Ward. My heart in my throat, I knocked on the door.
Mama answered, a look of shock registering on her face for a moment. Then she nodded as if she’d been expecting me all along.
“Come in.” She offered me a seat in her small living room, neatly and colorfully furnished. “You look…different. Radiant.”
“That’s a word for ‘scared shitless’ I haven’t heard before,” I said and heaved a breath. “I’m pregnant.”
Mama’s eyes widened, and for a moment, I thought she was going to hug me or cry. Or both. But she bottled herself back up and indicated for me to sit on her neat couch in her neat living room.
“Ronan’s?”
“Of course,” I said stiffly.
“The one who’s now in prison?”
I crossed my arms. “Yes. For a crime he didn’t commit.”
Mama pursed her lips as if she’d heard all that before. “Would you like some water? Something to eat?”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you going to keep it?”
The question caught me off guard, whacking me in the chest. “And they call me direct. Must’ve gotten it from you.”
She arched a brow.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t think so. I can’t imagine trying to get a business that already crashed and burned back on its feet while raising a baby, alone.”
“So you came to me?” Mama shook her head, her curls falling around her face, softly. “I have no advice. I’ve done nothing but make mistakes. Starting that night with your father.”
“You didn’t make a mistake that night, Mama. What he did to you…that wasn’t your fault.” I shifted on the couch. “But I have to know…why did you keep me? You had every right not to.”
“Because I thought I could do it,” she said. “I was like you. Strong. Driven. Ambitious. I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. Not my broken heart or the violation of my body by someone I thought loved me. So I pushed through. I tried. For four years, I tried, but every time I looked at you, instead of seeing the beautiful child you are, I saw him lurking beneath.” She shivered and hugged herself. “Pushing through didn’t work. I couldn’t keep you and I hated myself for giving you up. I’ve been stuck in that purgatory for years.”
“And now?”
She looked at me, her dark eyes heavy. “Does it matter? There’s nothing left of me.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “But Mama, did you ever get help? Talk to someone professionally?”
“I never told anyone what happened until the day I gave you to Bibi.”
“Why not?”
“It was humiliating and degrading and I’m already a private person. I don’t like anyone in my business. I try to work hard and take care of myself.”
I sat back, marveling to hear my words come out of my mother’s mouth.
“You could have been talking about me,” I said. “I’m private and a workaholic. And…closed up.” My hands went to my belly. Until Ronan.
“I’m sorry, Shiloh,” Mama said. “For ruining your grand opening. For not being there for you. For failing you so badly.”
I moved to sit next to her and took her hand. Mama stiffened, then clutched mine back as if, now that she had it, she didn’t want to let go.
“You didn’t fail, Mama. You never had help. There are certain things we just aren’t made to face alone,”
I thought about Ronan in prison, how he believed being alone was the best thing he could do for me.
“It’s hard, asking for help,” Mama said. “I was so lucky to have Bibi.”
“I am too,” I said, smiling gently. “She’s…everything.”
“I’m assuming she knows about your situation?”
“Of course. I think she wants me to keep it.”
“I’m sure she does.”
“She wants to help,” I said slowly. “And I have the money Ronan gave me.”
Mama’s hand in mine tightened. “And…you have me. If you want.”
I glanced up quickly. “What?”
“I have a lot of work to do. Healing, I guess. But I’m your Mama.” She brushed my braids off my face. “I think it’s time I acted like it.”
Tears flooded my eyes. “Can I…hug you?”
“No,” she said, her own eyes shining. “I’m going to hug you.”
Mama pulled me into her embrace, and I sank in, reveling in her softness, the scent of her…different from Bibi but familiar, too.