He gave a short, sharp nod that she took as assent. Turning back, Sallie left the office and moved through the quiet house to the kitchen.
She’d seen the somber intensity in Jacob’s look and knew he felt sorry for the child she’d once been. Sallie considered herself fortunate. Other than holidays and breaks, she’d had friends, laughter, and people who cared for her during those years. It was only when she came back to the Dougal household that she’d felt out of place and alone.
“My child would never be sent away,” Jacob spoke behind her as she reached the coffee pot, his voice quiet but tempered with steel.
“If I ever have a chance to have children, then mine won’t be either,” she told him, focusing on her task rather than looking at him. “A child should be loved by his or her parents. Though, I was lucky. Mother and Rance could have actually kept me with them. I would have had a terribly lonely life if they had.”
She’d seen enough of their lifestyle and their friends at the odd times they’d been in the country and she’d actually spent time with them, that she knew it wasn’t a life that would have suited her. She’d been groped, leered at, and propositioned by the so-called social elite since she was fifteen years old, saw the children that had been raised by their friends, and thanked God daily that she’d escaped that life.
“Do you want children?”
Sallie stilled at the question, wishing in some small part that he wanted her to have his children.
“I do.” She stared at the counter, blinking back emotions that threatened to swamp her. “I want a house filled with children. But I also want a man as committed to them as I’ll be. One as committed to me as I’ll be to him.”
Dragging in a heavy breath she went about pouring the water into the pot and measuring the coffee grounds in.
“You didn’t mention love,” he pointed out. “Shouldn’t you love him rather than simply be committed?”
She loved him, though. How was she supposed to ever have those children without him, because she couldn’t stand the thought of another man’s touch now?
Once the coffee started running into the pot, she turned back to him, her gaze meeting his squarely. “I’d never consider a child without it, Jacob. I wouldn’t hurt myself or a baby like that. Children need two parents, not just one. But even more, they need parents who love each other. Parents that give them an example of what love and commitment truly are. I didn’t have that and though my life was fairly easy, I knew I lacked it.”
He moved to her slowly, almost as though he were stalking her, holding her gaze, staring into her as though he could read every secret she had.
“I spill myself inside you each time I take you,” he said, his voice low, rough. “No protection is one hundred percent effective, Sallie. What if you were carrying my child? Do you think I’d let you or that baby go?”
“If that happens, then I’ll do what’s best for the baby, Jacob.” It was all she could do. “That doesn’t mean you’ll have a hold over me. I won’t marry you for the sake of a child. But I would work with you to make certain that child had the best possible life.” She shook her head. “But I doubt it will happen now. If I recall, there was once or twice that you forgot to use a condom in Switzerland.”
“Oh, I didn’t forget.” The curve of his lips wasn’t one of amusement but of regret touched with need. “I did it deliberately, Sallie. And if I could ensure your protection didn’t work this time, then trust me, sweetheart, that’s exactly what I’d do.”
Shock held her still, silent as Jacob turned on his heel and stalked to the front door, opened it, and left the house, the door closing hard and loud behind him.
She could feel her heart racing, blood thundering through her veins and she didn’t know why.
What was that look on his face? The hard, chiseled features had looked carved from stone into an expression that assured her he meant exactly what he said, and he had his own reasons for it. Reasons that he was certain of.
She let out her breath, realizing she’d been holding it, and felt a rush of light-headedness as her hand moved slowly to her stomach, where she let it rest for long moments. The thought of carrying his child could make her weak with need, just as it had six years ago and she knew it was just as insane now as it had been.
He hadn’t loved her. He didn’t love her. It wouldn’t matter how much she loved him, or how much he’d love their child if there were one, it would mean just that much more heartache for her. And that was the one thing she didn’t need.
Why had he said that, though? What would make him wish her protection would fail?
chapter fifteen
He should have kept his damned mouth shut.
Jacob stalked from the house to the barn, self-disgust warring with the possessiveness he felt for Sallie.
Memories of the three days and nights they’d spent in Switzerland and the emotions he’d left that hotel room feeling were as sharp and clear now as they had been at the time. He hadn’t wanted to leave her, but John had gotten information about the meeting being planned and the American scheduled to join the militant group. They’d had to move fast, and he hadn’t had time to tell her that he wanted to keep her in his life. That he didn’t want to lose her.
He’d already made the decision to leave the agency, to return to the ranch, and he’d wanted to invite her to his home.
Fuck, what had happened in that warehouse with that explosion and why the hell hadn’t John told him about the young woman he’d left waiting for him? He’d kill the other man for that alone.
Strangely, memories of Sallie were crystal clear now, but the four days before and the morning of the explosion were still missing. At times, he was certain they were just a second away, then they’d dissipate like smoke in the wind.
He’d read the debriefings, discussed it with John while he was recovering after the explosion, but still, nothing clicked those memories into place. The doctors hadn’t believed the memories would ever return while Jacob had known there was more missing than just operational information.
He wanted this over with and he wanted a full background on Sallie’s life. Rance Dougal and his wife had thrown her away as though she didn’t matter. They’d pushed a baby into a boarding school and left her there for others to care for.
The fact that she was the kind, compassionate woman he knew her to be was shocking to him.
For three fucking years he’d watched her, waited for her to mess up if the image she presented wasn’t the woman she was. Rather than messing up, she’d only endeared herself further to those who knew her. As Justice had said, even he had liked her. Hell, his grandmother had mentioned her several times and asked why he couldn’t get a sweet girl like Miss Hamblen.
And still, he’d waited, drawn to her, fascinated by her, and already claimed by her. Son of a bitch. He could paddle her ass for not saying anything to him. Instead, she had retreated, kept that cool mask in place, and acted as though she had no interest.
Until that night at the bar. When she’d looked at him, he’d seen the hunger in her, the aching need, and he knew she hadn’t looked at anyone else like that as long as she’d been in Deer Haven. If she had, the bastard she looked at would have done the same thing he had. Marked her. Claimed her in return in a way she couldn’t hide or deny. She belonged to him and John had known it. He had known it and he had dared to touch her, marry her.