Alyssa turns to me, her mouth open wide. “O-oh.” She looks down. “Okay. Gosh, I'm sorry. I thought...”her voice trails off.
And just like that, I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
Ricardo looks at me, understanding in his eyes before he turns his gaze on her. “You got attacked the last time, remember? And this time, Tyrone won't be there to help. None of us will; because he'll be in the cage and I'll be stuck on the sidelines. We can't have you sitting in the crowd all alone. It's not safe.”
Well, he's not exactly wrong. It's not safe for her. Especially when I put a fucking target on her back because I stopped the fight for her the last time she was there.
I know DeLuca saw that shit when he went through the footage. I can only hope that he didn't recognize her because it's been so long.
Because thinking that he won't care that she showed up at his club would be a rookie mistake. And if she keeps showing up and taunting him like a mouse taunts a cobra...well we're fucked.
I just have to make sure she never goes to the club or the gym...ever.
I gesture toward Ricardo. “Exactly. That's exactly why I don't want you there. I'm sorry for being an asshole about it.”
She pulls on her lip before saying, “Okay. I wish I could be there for you. But, I guess...I get it. Like you said, there will be other fights.”
Great...a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Perfect.
I really need to talk to her about this...in private.
A part of me thinks that maybe I should come clean. Tell her that I work for DeLuca.
But then, she'll expect me to quit...not that I blame her. God how I want to be free from his chains that bind me.
Then when I don't quit...she'll be upset and I'll have no choice but to tell her why I work for DeLuca in the first place.
Then I lose her.
And she realizes that yet another person she put her trust in...hurt her and fucked her over.
Then she goes back to doing what she was doing before I met her.
The thought of that kills me. I can see the real her now. I can feel her opening herself up to me little by little.
And I want every single part of it.
I want to be the person she smiles at.
I want to take this burden she carries on her shoulders away for good.
I want her to see herself the way I see her...see how amazing she is...and realize that the horrible past she has doesn't determine her future.
I want her to start living.
I want her to be mine.
No. I can't tell her. I can't.
I fucking can't.
Chapter Fourteen
Alyssa
After Jackson's outburst, the rest of breakfast was a little awkward, to say the least.
“You gonna hurt my boy?” I look up from the sink full of dishes that I'm currently washing.
Ebony eyes that seem to pierce right through me hold my gaze.
I almost drop the damn dish.
“No,” I tell her honestly. “That is not my intention at all.” I can't help the flush that works its way up my cheeks. “Jackson's incredible. I'd be an idiot to mess up a chance with him.” I close my eyes. “My past isn't that great. I've made a lot of mistakes. Some my fault, some not my fault...but I'm working on it. I want to be better,” I say.
My eyes pop open with my words.
I never thought it was possible for me to want something more out of life again. I never thought I was worth anything more after that day in Ford's office.
She makes a face. “Sugar, don't get me wrong. Now, Jackson is incredible...that heart of his is incomparable to any others. And while he might look like one- he is not some mythical creature or a God. At the end of the day, he's just a man.” She holds me by my shoulders. “All I'm saying is that you're a prize, too. You have to cut a diamond in order to make smaller diamonds, darlin'. But you still have to cut the original diamond first. So in the end, it's the imperfections that really make us shine so beautifully. It would do you well to remember that.”
And with those words she walks away.
After I finish drying the dishes and put them away, I head out to the hallway. It's almost noon and I need to get home and take a shower. I also have the urge to visit my father's grave again.
Which is odd, because visiting it yesterday afternoon was hard enough for me. I hardly ever go because I always feel like an abomination of some sort. Like I don't deserve to even be there because he'd be so ashamed of the person I've become.
I'll never get Ford's words out of my head.
I'm stopped in my tracks when I see Jackson and Momma hugging. It looks like they're having a moment and I don't want to intrude.
I also can't seem to look away. His big arms are wrapped around her and his eyes are closed while she whispers something to him. I almost wish I had a camera to capture the moment because I love how much love he has for the woman standing before him.
When he pulls away, she holds his face in her tiny hands. “You're a good man, Jackson,” she whispers with tears in her eyes. “You're a good person. Lilly would want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.” She gives him a kiss on his cheek. “I love you. You're my boy and don't you ever forget it.”
“Love you too, Momma,” he whispers, his voice cracking slightly.
I have to take a few deep breaths to stop myself from falling apart. Momma's tenderness reminds me of my father and the last conversation I ever had with him. I haven't felt what it's like to be truly loved since that day. My mother didn't know how to love me anymore because she was so consumed by her grief.
I know Ford loved me, for a little while at least. In my own twisted head...I think he still does. And I know I cling to it in my darkest hours because it's all I had after I lost my father.
I turn down the hall and head back to the kitchen. I'm still batting my eyes when I hear their footsteps approach.
Jackson gives me a strange look. “You alright?”
“Yeah.” I cough. “Just got something in my eye.”
He pulls me gently by my elbow and ushers me into the bedroom. “Can we talk for a minute?”
“Sure. I have to leave, though, can we talk while you walk me to my car?”
He rubs his neck. “I'm not kicking you out or anything. I have to head to the gym for a few hours, but you're more than welcome to stay here and relax. You can even spend the night again if you want.”
I grab my jacket. “Thanks. But I have to take care of a few things today.”
His jaw tightens and he pulls a sweatshirt over his head. “Okay. I guess I'll walk you out then.”
I say a quick goodbye to Momma and the guys, purposely ignoring Lou-Lou on my way out. She's not worth my time anymore. Besides, Jackson more than took care of her anyway.
I realize that we've already made it out the front doors of the apartment complex and he still hasn't said a word to me. For someone who wanted to talk to me, he's being awfully quiet. “Penny for your thoughts?” I ask.
He shuffles his feet and plays with the strings on his sweatshirt. “Look, if I asked you to do something...or rather not to do something would you?”