I stop mid-stride and turn around. “I don't want to know about those things, Alyssa. Keep them to yourself. Trust me, I really don't need to hear all about how you loved him and fucked him.”
I didn't mean to raise my voice, but I didn't come here for this shit. I came here to apologize and go on with my life. Why can't she just let me?
“But...Jackson. You don't understand.”
No, she's the one who doesn't understand. “Did you have sex with him?”
She steps back with a guilty expression her face. “Yes. But it was—”
“Did you love him?” I interrupt.
She worries her bottom lip between her teeth before answering, “Yes. But it wasn't—”
I cut her off. “Did you lie to me about the nature of your relationship with him?”
She looks down. “Yes.”
I lean in close to her ear. “You see, Alyssa. It really doesn't matter what you think it was or what it wasn't between you and him. That's none of my business and quite frankly, I don't give a shit. The only thing that matters to me is that you loved him, you fucked him, you lied to me about him and all three of those things ended up hurting me.”
I walk away from her this time with no hesitation.
The only thing that causes me to pause is when I hear her whisper, “I didn't have sex with him that night. I wouldn't do that to you.” But I still force myself to walk right out that door.
Because I don't want to forgive her...I don't want to fall for her. But most of all?
I don't want to have to lie to her about who I really am...again.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Alyssa
Shane nudges my hip as he leans in and whispers, “I thought you said he didn't want to talk to you?”
My eyes scan the bar before landing on Jackson. He's standing in the back playing a game of darts, by himself. Probably wishing it was my face that made up the board. I exhale sharply as I take in the way his gray henley shirt stretches across his broad chest and outlines the muscles of his arms. I force myself not to let my gaze drop to his faded blue jeans, which I have no doubt fit his ass and strong thighs perfectly.
My eyes betray me anyway...and dammit, I was right. They totally do.
“He doesn't.” I shrug. “He still hasn't said a word to me.”
And it's not like it's because the bar is so crowded or anything. We have a few customers, but there are plenty of seats at the bar.
Which he has yet to walk up to...because he still has yet to order a drink.
Which can only mean one thing. He's here to see me.
And he's been doing plenty of that because, over the last two hours, I've caught him stealing glances at me 32 different times now.
Make that 33.
Those gray eyes of his are burning into me yet again, heating my entire body with a single look.
The corners of his lips twitch. And that's when I know. He totally caught me checking him out just a second ago.
My mouth goes dry when his own eyes drop down, then slowly drag back up my body seductively, finally landing on my face. My brain fizzles. The 'this is your brain on drugs' warning, should also issue a 'this is your brain when Jackson Reid looks at you like that,' warning.
“He's been here four nights in a row,” Shane says. “I don't understand why he won't speak to you. Want me to kick him out?”
“Absolutely not,” I reply.
Jackson might not be talking to me, but the fact that he's been here night after night watching me tells me something.
He still has feelings for me. Feelings that some part of him can't ignore.
Either that, or he wants to see if Ford will show up here. Maybe, see if I was telling him the truth the other day.
I knew I hurt him...but even I wasn't aware of just how much I hurt him until his drunken outburst happened and our last conversation took place.
I wish he would just let me explain everything...I know it won't be easy for him to hear, but for some reason, he won't let that happen.
“You gonna be okay to close up by yourself?” Shane asks while casting a look in Jackson's direction.
I glance at the clock, I didn't realize that it was time for last call already. “I'll be fine.”
We announce last call and Shane and the last few stragglers leave.
With the exception of Jackson...because I'm certainly not kicking him out. Plus, he'll have no choice but to speak to me if we're the only two people here.
I walk to the door and proceed to lock up and put the alarm on.
I'm wondering why Jackson doesn't leave when he sees me doing this, but he doesn't seem to care that I'm closing the bar. I turn off the lights above the bar but make sure to keep the one on in the back where he is.
I walk over to him, my heart beating like a jackhammer the whole time.
“I like your hair,” he murmurs in my direction.
It's such a random statement, but I'll take it. I open my mouth to say thanks, but he gives me a hard look effectively silencing me.
His jaw ticks and he goes back to playing his game of darts. “I hate that you used me that night,” he says before throwing a dart at the board.
He hits a bullseye.
“I'm sorry.”
He pulls the dart out and takes a step back. “I hate that I watched the video.”
He throws another dart, bullseye.
“I know what Lou-Lou did, Jackson. I read your text messages after I found my purse that night. I know you were disgusted with yourself for watching it and I know you're sorry.”
I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “I've had a lot of time to think about it...and I never once asked or told you to not watch the video. You didn't do anything wrong.”
He shakes his head. “No. I was wrong. I told you I wouldn't watch it and I did.”
“I forgive you.”
“You shouldn't,” he says gruffly.
We stay silent after that. I decide to sit on top of the pool table and watch him throw more darts, hoping he'll continue talking to me.
“I hate that his hands were on you, touching your body. Touching what I thought was mine,” he finally says.
He throws the dart so hard I think the board's going to come off the wall.
“I didn't want his hands on me.”
He snorts. “It didn't look like it from where I was standing. And it certainly didn't sound like you didn't want his hands on you when you told him you loved him.” I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off. “Don't,” he warns. “Because I swear to god, if I hear you say his name again...I'll fucking lose it, Alyssa.”
I stay silent. I want to shout everything about my relationship with Ford at the top of my lungs, but I don't want him to walk away from me. Especially now that he's finally talking to me.
I desperately want him to give me another chance...because this time around, it won't be tarnished by my past or lies. I feel like I can actually let myself fall in love with Jackson. I can love him the way he deserves to be loved.
He throws another dart, and another, and another. Until he's firing them all at the board like a round of bullets. “I hate that I still want you. Especially when I should know better.”