“No—” I start to say but it’s cut off by my moan when he flicks my clit. “Glad we reached an understanding. Now start riding my fingers until you come like a good girl.”
His words light me on fire and I reach up and snake my arm around his neck as I begin doing what he told me to.
But then my pleasure crumbles because although I've been working on myself and changing for the better, there's still some things that haven't completely gone away.
That dark and destructive place inside me taunts me and I feel shame wash over me because I know I won't be able to do what Jackson wants. No matter how much I want to, that place inside me associates my own sexual pleasure as something bad.
I stop responding to his touch. “I won't be able to come, Jackson. I'm sorry.” Before he can interrupt me, I continue, “I've never been able to before. It's not a line and I'm not saying it to issue you a challenge. I'm just trying to be honest. So, you can stop and I'll take care of you. I want to take care of you. I like being able to turn you on, it makes me feel good. I just don't want you to be disappointed with me for not being able to come and I don't want to fake it with you.”
To my surprise, Jackson doesn't stop. He continues fingering me, alternating between shallow and deep strokes. He places a gentle kiss on my temple. “You let me worry about your pleasure, Alyssa.”
I'm about to protest, but his thumb swirls around my clit and I swear, I see stars. “Give it to me,” he demands as his finger plunges into my slickness. “Give me every single ounce of pain you have when you go to that place of yours and trust me enough to take it all away and make it better.”
“Okay, I'll try,” I whisper.
“Do you like the way my fingers feel inside you? The way I'm stroking your pretty pussy?” he asks.
I blush and shiver at his dirty words. “I do,” I respond honestly.
He pinches my clit and I moan. “I know you do, baby. You know how I know?” He pushes his erection into my behind. “Because your juices are dripping down my hand, making me harder than a fucking rock right now.”
I mewl and begin moving my hips in time with his touch. He circles my clit again before he submerges his fingers inside me. “Let your pussy grip my fingers, baby. Don't fight it. Just breathe and focus on the way I'm touching you and exploring this tight pussy of yours.”
“Oh god, Jackson. Your mouth. It's so dirty.”
He licks the shell of my ear. “Trust me, you have no idea how dirty my mouth can get. Just you fucking wait. I'll be tasting every part of you.”
I gasp and my hips buck against his erection when the first ripple hits me. I almost want to tell him to stop, because it's too much, but then the second wave happens. It causes such an intense rush of absolute pleasure, I'm screaming my own dirty words and jerking against him.
Jackson holds me while I fall apart in his arms, my movements finally coming to a slow stop as I fall into his chest.
I look up as he brings his fingers to his mouth before sucking on them and closing his eyes.
I'm still catching my breath, trying to gather my bearings when Jackson nudges me forward until I'm bent over the sink. “Spread your legs and hold onto the edges of the sink,” he tells me.
I do as he says without protest. I'm expecting him to start fucking me, but he doesn't. He gets down on his knees instead.
Seeing as I just came not even moments ago, I'm confused. “What are you doing?”
He pulls my jeans down all the way and lifts my leg. “That first orgasm was for you. This one's for me,” he informs me.
Then faster than I can form my next thought, his mouth is covering my pussy. There are no dainty or teasing little licks, he's eating me like I'm a delicacy that he intends to savor every drop of.
“I was wrong,” he rasps while lapping at me. I'm about to ask what he means, but then he says, “You taste even better than you smell.”
White blinding light hits me when he sucks my clit into his mouth and I can't help but scream out his name. That only makes him ravish me more with his skillful tongue until I know I'm about to start convulsing again.
If I thought my first orgasm was intense, it has nothing on this one. I'm in a whole other world, so far off the beaten path that all I feel is Jackson. He's permeating every sense of mine. I twitch so hard Jackson has to hold my hips so I don't fall and I scream his name like it's the last word I'll ever say in this lifetime.
All my feelings for him flood through me at that moment, I think about how I felt just hours ago when I saw him in that cage. When I thought I might lose him forever. I need him to know how I feel, I need him to know how much he means to me. “I love you, Jackson,” I whisper.
He lifts his head, wipes his chin and stands up. The look on his face is like nothing I've ever seen before and I'm not sure what it means.
My heart is beating so hard, I feel like I'm about to faint, but I know I need to do this.
One of the things I will always remember the most about my father was how much he loved me. He gave me the gift of unconditional love for 10 years, and although I lost my way after he died and it got buried with my shame over the sex tape, and my toxic relationship with Ford, I remember now how special it was to know and feel that.
I look him in the eyes this time. “I love you, Jackson,” I repeat.
He just stares at me, not saying a word. I didn't expect him to say it back, but some kind of response would be nice.
I put myself in his place and realize that maybe I've just blindsided him with this weighty statement since it did come out of nowhere. I also probably need to be a little bit more specific with how I feel and what I want.
I move toward him. “I want you, Jackson. I want to try again. I know we've both made some mistakes. I know we crashed and burned right after take off the last time around. But, I also know...there's no one in the world that I want more than you. I honestly don't think there ever will be. No one has made me feel the way you make me feel.”
His closes his eyes and his thumb brushes over my bottom lip. “Alyssa,” he whispers.
I give his thumb a small kiss. “I'll go all in and give you every single part of me. I'll never, ever lie to you again or break a promise...and I swear, I will do my damnedest not to hurt you.” My voice begins cracking, but I continue, “I'll fight for you with every single breath I take, Jackson. And if you're too scared to take the risk and roll the dice with me...don't be...because I'll hold your hand for the rest of my life.”
His face contorts in pain so I reach for his hand, hoping to prove it to him, but he rips it away. “No,” he says, his voice gravelly. “Get over me and find someone else. Someone that's not me. Someone who can give all of that back to you because I can't.”
The impact of his words is like pouring battery acid on a wound. It's tearing me apart, burning me and leaving me scarred. I don't know why he's hurting me like this or saying these things, but my heart pulls when I see the emotion on his face.
He heads for the door and I follow him. “Don't chase me, Alyssa,” he shouts. “Let me leave...because if I don't leave right now—I'll never be able to stop myself from doing the right thing when it comes to you. And I have to do that. Please, just let me give you up.”