I didn’t want to be my dad and start calling myself names because I kissed a guy and I liked it. I gave a soft snort as Katy Perry played in my head. A big sigh puffed out my cheeks. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with being gay—did I? No. But a few times, I remember thinking that it was kind of amazing that Rand would never be with a girl or want to be. So that meant I liked girls, right? Sure I did. I’d gone out with plenty of them and enjoyed the hell out of it.
My brain spat out, But you don’t have a girlfriend, do you? No. I’d never had a steady girl except in high school, but that had been kind of a required thing. I played football, and my girlfriend was a cute cheerleader. I liked her, but mostly it felt good to have somebody to go to parties and stuff with. She’d left town about a half hour after she graduated and never looked back. Good for her.
Okay so think. The whole time I’d been dating girls and getting laid, had I secretly been wishing it was dick?
Whoa, that question made me shudder a little. No, face it. You’re just reacting that way because you’ve been trained to.
I half smiled. That was a pretty smart thing to think. Bet Sean would be proud.
Just thinking of the little guy made my eyes hot, so I went back to my question. Had I been wishing the girls were guys?
I had messed around with guys a couple times back in football camp. We’d been like sixteen and got hard in a strong wind. Somebody organized a jerk circle one night, and we all sat around saying stupid things and jerking our cocks to see who could come first. It’d been dumb and not very sexy, but later, a guy named Ron, who went to another high school, had cornered me in a boat house and suggested we jerk each other off. He was a great-looking dude, and I was kinda curious, so I did it.
Yeah, that had been sexy. So much so, we did it a couple more times. But from what I heard from other guys, they’d all done mutual masturbation. That wasn’t any biggie. Except maybe for how much I’d liked it.
When I got back to school, I’d thought about Ron quite a few times. But that was summer camp. It was different back home. Guys in my little town did not do guys, at least not that I knew of. If somebody heard, like my father, well it just wasn’t worth the trouble. So, I’d just focused on girls and stopped thinking about Ron—or any guys. And that brought me pretty much up to today.
I sat up and whapped my arms with my hands to warm them up. Maybe I didn’t “like guys” in the way that, say, Rand did. As in exclusively. Still, I might not know much, but I did realize there was such a thing as bisexual. Somebody who liked both girls and guys.
Was that me? If it was, would it really just show up now when I was twenty-one and happened to run into an adorably dorky kid with red hair and a big brain?
I clutched my coat collar closer. It kind of didn’t matter anyway if I was or wasn’t bisexual, did it? The fact was, I was still that dumb ox that everyone knew as “Bubba,” a straight, beer-swilling, football-playing, weight-lifting dude. Maybe I didn’t want to be that guy forever, but did I want to change everything now? Especially when Sean was just looking to lose his virginity. He’d be graduating in May and had a whole life ahead of him that didn’t include someone like me. So, why should I announce to the world I was bi for a few blow jobs Sean wouldn’t remember in a year? Sean could do better than me. He’d have his pick soon.
I stood. Hell, I’d come this far being straight. Maybe after I got out of school, I could experiment and see if I liked guys more, but there was a solid chance that this was a one-time thing. I’d been touching Sean and talking to him and caring about him for weeks now. It was easy to get confused. He’d see that too when he thought about it.
With a shrug, I started walking toward my house again, faster this time. I wasn’t one bit different than I had been yesterday and I’d been perfectly happy. Or at least I’d been okay. If one of the ALAs at the frat house asked me if something was wrong, I’d just tell the truth—that I felt a little sick.
I strode toward the flag-football field, breathing too hard. All day long, at the gym and the cafeteria, I hadn’t been able to catch my breath. Not a great way to start a game. But every time I’d seen somebody with red hair, my heart slammed. And now I knew that red hair was waiting for me. Maybe Sean hadn’t realized I didn’t do the kissing thing on purpose. Maybe he thought it was just a regular part of the lesson. That would be good.
As I approached the field, Sean was throwing a ball back and forth with Dustin, and he looked pretty good. His expression was serious, but hell, that was Sean.
Our guys, and some of the guys from the other team, were dressed and strapping on their flag belts. The Mad Tech team wore red flags, and we had our usual blue. A few of our team had on regular uniforms—blue and gold. But Sean and Dustin hadn’t got their uniforms yet, and a few others just wore sweats. This early in the tournament, things were a bit looser.
Did I approach Sean or not? Come on. Yesterday morning, I would have.
With a smile plastered on, I jogged up to Sean and ducked as the football landed in his hands. “Hey! Good catch.”
He full-on frowned, but said, “Thanks.”
He looked so good to me I had an ache of regret that I couldn’t ever be with him. Stupid. And I didn’t like him being all pissed at me either. But it would pass, at least for him.
“I’ll get your flag belt. For you and Dustin.” I waved a hand and took off toward the shed where we kept the equipment. Yes, I was running away. On top of my stomachache over how to act around Sean, I was also nervous for him. He’d been working really hard, but if he had another snafu like that first day, it wouldn’t be good for his future in sports.
When I ran back with their flags, Sean opened his mouth to say something, but just then, my phone rang. I grabbed for it, handed the guys their flag belts, and walked away to answer. It was my dad.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, Bub, I need you to come home next weekend and take over the shop on Saturday.”
“Uh—”
“If you can’t, I can probably find somebody else. No big deal.”
The fact was, my dad hardly ever asked me for much. That went both ways. I’d paid for my own college with money I saved and a small amount my grandmom had left me. My dad never even asked me how it was going. “I can probably work that out. Everything okay?”
“Uh, yeah. A buddy of mine has to have surgery, and he asked me to drive him and, you know, help him out.”
I almost said, Who are you and what have you done with my dad? I didn’t even know he had friends that would ask for something like that. “Sure. That’ll be in the middle of some exams, plus I’ve got football on Sunday, so I’ll have to get back. But I can work the shop on Saturday.”
“I thought the season was over. Besides, you just warm the bench, so who’d miss you?”
I exhaled real slow. “I’m talking about flag football.”
He barked a ha. “Oh right, pussy football.”
“You want me to come or not?”
“Yeah, sure. I asked, didn’t I?”
“I’ll see you either Friday night or Saturday morning early enough to open.” Hartsboro was only a little over an hour from Madison, but it could have been on the moon given how often I went home.