I pulled away and nodded.
“We’ll leave you two alone. We’re going to go grab a coffee,” my mother said, grasping Lila’s hand and leading her out of the room.
“What did I miss?” Alec said, and the nurse chuckled before pulling up the side table beside his chair and filling his water cup and excusing herself.
“I’m not sure. I think they are both just trying to figure things out.”
“Yeah?” he asked. His gaze landed on my wrist as I fiddled with my charm bracelet from Jett. “Where’d you get that?”
My heart ached every time I thought of him. I missed his voice. His words. His touch. He’d become my best friend. Someone I depended on. But he was right, it was time for me to figure life out on my own. I didn’t need anyone to tell me what to do anymore. I’d found my voice and I was happy to use it now.
“From Jett. Both of them, actually.” I laughed. “The rope bracelet is a reminder, you know. That it’s okay if the edges fray a bit. That’s part of life.”
He nodded. “I guess you could say my entire rope frayed, huh? God, Addy. I’ve really lost my way.”
We hadn’t had the deep talk yet. We’d skirted around all the issues. He was processing his recovery, and I’d given him the time he needed to accept his new normal. But there were things that needed to be said.
“You did. And that’s part of life. But it’s all about what you do after you fall down, right?”
“Did you just give me a football metaphor?” he teased.
I smiled and reached for his hand. “What happened that night isn’t okay. Not any of it. You know that, right?”
He nodded. “I’m sorry.” He pulled his hand away and covered his face. “I was horrible to you. Jesus. I lost my shit.”
“I had bruises on my shoulders, Alec. A huge lump on the back of my head. And then you blamed Jett to your parents. Do you know your mom threatened to call the coach at TU and report him for hitting you? You could have cost him everything he’s worked for.”
He closed his eyes and let out a long-labored breath. “I already talked to her about it and cleared that up. She was appalled with me. I didn’t tell her I left marks on your body, because I didn’t know that at the time. I’m sorry, Addy. It’s inexcusable. My drinking somehow has gotten out of control. I’ve used it as an escape, and it has certainly not made things better.”
“What are you escaping from?”
“My parents are definitely separating. I’m pretty sure my mom’s kept things hidden from your mom. She’s embarrassed, I think. Wants everything to be perfect all the time. And it’s not. It’s so fucked up, Addy. Karina’s pregnant. That’s what we fought about that night. I’m pretty fucking sure that it’s mine. And I treated her horribly.”
He shook his head and tears streamed down his face.
“You can’t change the past, Alec. But you can change how you handle things moving forward. Stop drinking and clean up your life. Take ownership for your mistakes. You drove drunk. You’re here because of that choice. My god, you could have killed someone. Killed yourself! And you have a child on the way. It’s time to grow up,” I said as I reached for both of his hands.
He nodded. “I want to be better, Addy. I just don’t even know where to start.”
“Start with owning your mistakes. Every one of them, Alec. Start by telling your parents the truth and asking for help. I’ll support you. I’m not turning my back on you. But it will be as your friend. As someone who knows there’s good in there and wants you to find your way out of this.”
“You really love Stone, huh?” he asked, cocking his head to the side, and smiling like he already knew the answer.
“So much it actually hurts.”
“I think that’s why I acted like a little bitch. I saw it from the beginning.”
“Saw what?” I asked.
“That it was different. What you had with him. What you and I had was convenient. More of a friendship. And I was jealous that you had something with him that we never shared.”
That might be the first honest admission I’d ever heard from him.
I nodded. “Maybe you have that with Karina. At the very least you two share a child, and you need to get it together. You’re going to be a father, Alec. That’s big. That’s worth fighting for, right?”
“Right. Tell me what to do. You’re the best person I know. I’m asking you to tell me what to do.”
“I think you start with an honest talk with your parents. And then you talk to Karina and you figure out how to move forward. And I think you might want to consider a program to support you to find other ways to cope with things. Alcohol is not the answer, Alec. Look where it’s gotten you.”
“Shit. How’d I get here?”
I shrugged. “Don’t spend so much time whining about how you got here. Put your energy into changing course. You need to focus on your recovery and your future. There are tons of programs, and I’ll help you find one. Heck, I’ll even attend a meeting with you if that’s what you need. But you’ve got to want to take this first step.”
“I do. I’m sorry I fucked things up for us.”
“You didn’t. We weren’t meant to be together. Not that way. We were both just playing roles that were assigned to us for a long time. But we have no one to blame moving forward. It’s time to make choices for ourselves from here on out.”
“Damn, Addy, how’d you ever get to be this smart?” He winked and continued, “And you know I’ll support whatever you choose to do with college. I should never have pressed you to go where I was going. I think I was just afraid you know—to lose everything. You were my solid after I’d learned my parents were calling it quits. We’ve been friends, family, since we were kids and losing you was like the last straw.”
Alec’s opening up to me was shocking, but I could really see now what was going on in his life, not that he’d handled it well.
“Alec, we’ll always be friends—good friends—but dating doesn’t solidify friendship. Truthfulness and sharing does.”
He winced and said, “I know. I just wasn’t thinking straight. God, what I’ve put you through. I’m sorry.”
“We’ll survive.” I smiled, because I really thought we’d get through this now.
“So, what school are you going to?” Alec asked. “I’m guessing you aren’t going to State with me?”
“I’m not. But you’ve got a baby mama to think about, right? And I’ll be there cheering you on just like I always have.”