And, for the next week, he begged. We made plans for dinner. He was actually going to pay. He showed up on time and let himself in through the garage. I stood from the couch and immediately noticed it appeared he had been crying.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Let’s talk about it later.” He put out his hand.
“Tell me now.”
He hung his head.
“Taylor got me fired.”
“Taylor did?”
“She told David what happened, and I got fired for inappropriate behavior.” Good, I thought in my head. You deserve it. “I’m going to lose everything.”
“No, you’re not going to lose everything.” I reassured him.
And then I did the one thing any unreasonable, non-thinking, ridiculous woman suffering from Stockholm syndrome would do.
I let him move in.
THE MONSTER
I know what you’re all thinking besides the fact that you think I’m an idiot. You’re wondering and shouting how I could do this to my kid. But, let’s get something straight right now. She was never exposed to the “bad” side of him. She adored him and he adored her. In fact, often he told me that the “pull” was very strong with her and he cared deeply for her. I believe he did, at least as much as he could. For as capable as he was. And as much as he was a problem for me, he wasn’t for her. He taught her how to drive. They shared the same taste in music. He tried to do her gymnastics routine. They took walks. Exercised. He drove her to school. Made steaks. Had fro-yo dates. He very much filled an empty space in her life and, for the most part, he was very good to her. And I’m sure some of you are trying to point out the fact that Taylor wasn’t much older than her, but he wasn’t a child molester. He was an idiot in a midlife crisis who already had some severe issues, but he wasn’t after young girls as a whole. He was never once inappropriate with her, and trust me, it’s not easy for me to “defend” him, but what I’ve written is true. In fact, I found out later that he would tell anybody who would listen that she was the daughter he never had. I do think he really did care for her in the only way he knew how, which was extremely limited.
And, after he moved in, everything settled down again. Things were normal again. We did things together as a family and celebrated Easter like everybody else would do.
And, one night before we fell asleep, he told me the story about how when he was packing to move and on his last night in the farmhouse, the monster finally showed up. In person. He never saw it, but he heard it. A roaring of sorts coming from a dark room, squelching like it was dying and being taken back to where it came from. He said the monster was gone.
And so, for months, we just went on. Working, planning, loving. It was like he had finally put out the fire that was burning him from the inside and he was finally free. He was free of the curse. He was free to finally love and be loved.
And, that spring, something even more amazing happened. After an exhausting search between DNA records, adoption agencies, court records, and long-lost relatives – I found his mom. She was living two miles from where he grew up and had four grown children who all lived close by. We sent her a message on Facebook and from that moment on, everything was different.
They texted and then spoke on the phone. And he had been right, she had been looking for him, too, for many, many years. And when they finished, she texted him again and told him that she loved him. And he cried.
“She’s going to be the best mom I have ever had.”
I smiled and agreed. I was excited for him. He had been broken for so long that this was going to heal him. I just knew it. He had said so many times that something was missing, and I knew in my heart that this was it. It was his mom who was missing and now that he had found her, and the monster was gone, the women were blocked, so now we could live the life we had talked about and both wanted so much. It was just me and him and Olivia and the dogs and now a great big new family to love.
He made plans with his newly found sister to surprise his mom. He was going to drive up on Mother’s Day and meet them for brunch. He was excited and I told him I couldn’t wait. It was then that he told me that he wanted to just go on his own for the first meeting and, while I understood, I couldn’t help but be a bit hurt because I had done all the work to find her. I made all the connections. Sent all the emails. Figured out who was who and joined all the adoption sites. I was just as invested in this as he was, but I quickly decided that pushing the issue would make me selfish. I stayed home and watched social media for pictures but, by this time, he was no longer posting much of anything except check-ins when he went to the gym. I waited patiently until finally I received the text with the pictures.
Him and his mom. Him and his sisters. Him and his brother. Him and his mom and his sisters and his brother. Him and all these people we didn’t know. And, in each picture, he was smiling a smile I had never seen before. I think that’s what his version of “genuine” looked like. She was very pretty. She seemed very sweet. She immediately became his champion and his cheerleader and his biggest fan. And, in one swift moment, strangers meant more to him than I ever would.
And then quite suddenly, he didn’t “need” me anymore. He had a family. He had people to celebrate holidays with. He had an out. He had a place to go. And I was terrified. But, I wanted to believe that even with that, it wouldn’t change anything. And, for a long time, it didn’t.
I did meet them, eventually. Several times. And at first, it was great. They were so inviting. So welcoming. I could see why he was so smitten.
We celebrated his 50th birthday with them in June. I booked us a room at a swanky hotel and all of us toasted him at the stroke of midnight.
Everything fell into place that summer.
We drove the entire city on the 4th of July chasing fireworks.
There was even another asteroid show on the anniversary of our first date in August.
We talked about getting married in September.
He removed all his “distractions.”
He chose me.
But, as you know, all good things must come to an end. And on November 9th, 2017, it did.
THE BEGINNING OF THE new beginning of the end
I DON’T KNOW WHAT POSSESSED me to do it. I am curious by nature, but never nosey. I mean, I had walked past it hundreds of times and never thought twice about it. Things were good between us and had been for months. There were no more secrets. No more lies. He checked in if he was going to be late. I grew to trust him again. For the first time, I felt extremely confident and secure in our relationship. I had no reason to doubt him anymore. So, why I decided to pick up his iPad, I have no idea. The first code I put in worked. It was incredibly simple to figure out. Almost like he wanted me to see.
I had access to everything. All of his pictures, emails, and some texts. At first, there was very little. Not much. Nothing good on the texts and nothing really in the email. Everything there was old or business. I felt creepy and almost guilty, but I justified it because, after everything he put me through, I deserved to know and make sure he was telling me the truth. And, just when I was about to close it up and put it away, I noticed it wasn’t connected to WiFi. And once it was, everything started to download.