I had never given this much thought to Roger before. I mean, I’d always not liked him. But the way I felt then as I stared at him, it was something else. Was it jealousy? I didn’t know, having not been acquainted with the feeling in some time.
Fuck. I was jealous. This guy got to talk to Navy every fucking day. I didn’t give a fuck if he was talking lot numbers of recorders with her, the fact that he got to look at her and I didn’t pissed me off.
Our last night together in the bed of my truck flashed through my mind. I’d been so fucking close to kissing her. I’d kissed along her skin like it was the most fucking natural thing in the world, but the way my pulse had skipped, the way my breathing had grown labored, told me that it was more.
Of course it was more. I loved Navy. And not just as my dance partner or drinking buddy or platonic cuddler or my best friend. I fucking loved her, in the ways that didn’t make sense. I loved how her hair always slipped out of her scrunchies and the way her eyes warmed when she smiled, and the way she moved heaven and earth to make someone’s life easier. I loved how she looked at me, I loved the feel of her hands in mine, and I fucking loved the way she made my heart settle when she was in my arms.
I wasn’t sure of much in my life, but I was sure that I was sick of tiptoeing around Navy. I needed to tell her how I felt, let the chips fall where they may and deal with the consequences after.
But I couldn’t believe I was realizing all of this while looking at fucking fuck face Roger of all people.
As the customer walked toward the door, his gaze followed them until it collided with mine. The extra wide smile fell, and he stared at me like I was a fly someone had accidentally let in.
“Hey, Roger,” I said, giving him a two-finger salute as I headed back toward where I assumed Navy was, in the office.
“Don’t go back there,” Roger said, coming around the counter and holding his hands up.
“Why?”
“She’s…” He blocked me when I sidestepped him. “Really busy, okay? She doesn’t need you in here causing a ruckus.”
Did he even know me? I might be distracting, but I didn’t cause a ruckus. Well, hardly ever. “I’m pretty sure she’ll be okay with me saying hi.”
“Did she know you were coming? Because she asked me to leave her alone a half hour ago so she could concentrate.”
She didn’t know. And I resisted the urge to tell him that she probably asked him to leave her alone because he was annoying as fuck. “I’ll just wave hello and come back. Okay?”
“I really think…”
I sidestepped him, successfully this time, and walked toward the back of the store anyway. There were two large glass windows that looked out from the office onto the floor, so I knew she’d see me. If she really was as busy as Roger claimed, I’d see it and leave her alone.
She was bent forward, her face in her hands as she stared at an empty table. I walked by the windows once, but when she didn’t lift her head to see me, I became concerned.
Making sure Roger wasn’t spying on us, I opened the door to the office—which was almost never closed like it was now—and said, “Psst.”
Navy lifted her head. Her eyes were tired and her hair was a mess and she looked like she carried the weight of the entire fucking world on her shoulders. And she didn’t say hi. Fuck. I wanted to wrap her up, take her away from here. Somewhere where stress couldn’t reach her. Where the pain in her eyes was just a memory. How did she manage to look so beautiful, even when she was so obviously wrecked?
“You okay?” I stepped one foot into the office, not wanting to intrude but also not wanting to leave her alone looking the way she did.
“No.” When she spoke, I could hear her sniffling in that one word. Then I saw the pile of tissues in the trash can. “I feel like a giant fuck up.” She gestured to the table like there was something there for me to understand why she felt that way. But it was just an empty table, save for a box of tissues.
I came into the office and shut the door behind me, then lowered the blinds that separated the office from the rest of the store. “What’s going on?” I slid into the chair beside her, putting an arm around her as she held her head up with her arm on the table. There it was, that settling that happened when I touched her. All the noise faded away; all my anxieties left my body. It was just her. It was always her.
“Delilah quit,” she said, plucking a tissue from the tissue box. “She hasn’t been showing up for all her shifts and only signing up for a couple here and there as it was, but she quit. And she blamed me.”
“You?” I squeezed her shoulder. “You’ve been more accommodating than you really needed to be.”
“I got assertive with her.” She blew her nose and crumpled up the tissue. “Reminded her that she was supposed to take four days a week, at least, unless she has something going on. Which she told me she did, a few times—bailing early on a shift and making Roger or I cover—whichever one of us wasn’t already working.” She heaved a heavy sigh. “I found out that she’s been bailing to go to concerts with Brad, or shopping with her friends. Now that her friends are out of school for the summer, she has blown off work.”
“And it’s your fault that she’s a flake?”
“It’s my fault for pushing her to the point of quitting. Which she did, an hour ago.” She buried her face in her hands.
“Doesn’t Isabel come home soon?”
She laughed without humor. “Yeah. Tomorrow. She’s coming home to one less employee and one niece who couldn’t hold it together for three and a half weeks.” She sniffled and I handed her another tissue. “And Jade has been really on one lately. She snuck out—well, she tried to. I caught her.”
“When?”
“The Friday before we had the movie night at the cabin. She’s going to get herself into trouble.”
“I mean, I think it’s pretty normal behavior for a teen to sneak out.”
“Her boyfriend is twenty. She’s only sixteen,” Navy snapped. Then she pressed her fingers to her temples. “Sorry. I just feel like a giant failure. Between Jade and Violet, I feel more like a mom than a sister. You were right, and so were they. But I don’t know how to keep them safe when I’m not constantly worried about them.”
I brushed stray tendrils away from her face. “You survived those periods of your life when you were their ages.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t pregnant like Violet, and I didn’t have an adult boyfriend like Jade. It’s different.”
There was no use arguing with her, not when she was wallowing this much. Navy was usually cheery, more light than dark. All this strain was wearing on her, physically and emotionally. “When your aunt comes back, you need to take a break, for you. Maybe come up to the cabin for a few days or something.”
“It’ll be hard to do that since we’re short an employee.”
“What can I do?”
Navy cradled her head in her hands. “Remind me of who I am. I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore.”
“You’re still you. You’re allowed to change your mind, your feelings. That doesn’t make you any less you.”