She wanted to ask but Rachel seemed determined to keep their conversation superficial, avoiding any of Jess’s efforts to push more deeply.
She finally gave up. If Rachel didn’t want to tell her, she couldn’t make her. Still, Jess couldn’t help but ache again for the close relationship they once had.
They opted to share dessert, a lemon cake so thick and luscious that Rachel had to pull out her phone and take pictures. Despite all the fuss, after she put away her phone, she only ate about two bites then set down her fork.
Fine. That just left more for Jess, she thought. When she had eaten as much as she could manage, she pushed away the cake and met her sister’s gaze. Over the flickering candlelight, she saw another hint of that despair she had glimpsed earlier.
She sighed. She couldn’t ignore it. This was Rachel. If she didn’t push, her sister would never tell her.
“Okay. You’ve put on a good front for the entire dinner. I commend your efforts. Now, why don’t you tell me the truth? What’s really going on? How’s Silas? You said today has been a hard day. Is it more than just today?”
She wasn’t sure Rachel would answer. The silence dragged on for an uncomfortable moment, broken only by muted conversation and the chink of cutlery on china from nearby tables as well as the murmur of the sea below them.
After a long moment, Rachel curled her hand around her water goblet stem so tightly, Jess worried it would break.
“I hate complaining. It makes me feel like such a horrible mother. But the past few months have been hard. Silas has become really out of control lately.”
“Out of control how?”
“Not napping. Not listening to anything I say. Not interacting with his sisters at all except to do exactly the things they don’t want him to do. It’s a lot to handle. My girls were both so sweet-natured at this age. Silas isn’t and I’m at my wit’s end, if you want the truth. There. Aren’t you sorry you asked?”
“No. You shouldn’t be carrying this by yourself. Have you talked to his pediatrician about it? Some of it might be his age.”
“Not really. This is all pretty new. Within the past few months, anyway.”
“Maybe you should call her.”
Rachel sighed. “We’re meeting with a team of specialists at an autism clinic next week in Sacramento. I hope I’ll be up to the drive. Sometimes he can howl and bang his head on the seat the entire car ride. And other times he loves it. It’s always a roll of the dice.”
Jess had caught a glimpse of Silas’s behavior issues the other day when she had dropped by unexpectedly and found the house in chaos. Was that the reason Rachel seemed so brittle? If she wasn’t sleeping well and then had to wrestle with a challenging two-year-old all day, Jess couldn’t blame her for being exhausted.
“Cody’s going with you to help out, isn’t he?”
“We both thought it would be better if he stayed with the girls to take Ava to preschool and then his mom’s and get Grace off to school then be there when Grace gets home.”
Rachel needed help. She couldn’t drive all the way to Sacramento on her own with a difficult toddler. “I’ll take care of the girls. I’m sure I can work out the schedule with Eleanor. I can probably even take Ava with me for the day.”
“I can’t ask that of you.”
“You didn’t ask. I offered. And I mean it. You and Cody are in this together. As Silas’s father, Cody should absolutely go with you to the clinic appointment.”
Rachel appeared to be weakening as she considered the offer. “It would be nice to have him along. Silas does better in the car if one of us sits with him to keep him distracted from the sensory overload. It’s an early-morning appointment, though. I have to leave at six to make it on time.”
“You said this is Tuesday? Why don’t you go the night before? I don’t mind staying overnight with the girls. It will be fun. Like a slumber party. And maybe you and Cody can enjoy some time away together. You’ll still have Silas, but not all three kids.”
Rachel looked hopeful, as if the sun had slipped out from behind the clouds on an otherwise relentlessly stormy day. After a moment, she shook her head.
“It’s too much. I can’t ask that of you.”
“We’re family, Rachel. The main reason I took this job with Eleanor was to give me more time to be with the girls and Silas. This will be the perfect opportunity for me to hang with Ava and Grace. I’ll feel even better, knowing I might be helping you out a little bit.”
Rachel looked as if she didn’t know what to say. “Let me talk to Cody and see if that might work with his schedule,” she finally said. “We had basically decided he was going to stay with the girls. He might have scheduled a job for that day while Ava is with his mom.”
“He can unschedule it,” Jess replied bluntly.
She liked her brother-in-law very much, usually. Cody had always treated Rachel well, as far as she knew, and seemed to be a devoted dad to the girls and Silas. But she had to wonder if he had any idea the burden his wife shouldered all day, coping with three young children.
“I’m going to guess he’s not too busy to go to an important clinic appointment with his wife and son. If he is, somebody should have a talk with him to remind him what his priorities ought to be.”
“We are his priority.” Rachel’s voice took on a definite defensive note. “He just has a lot on his plate now with the roofing business.”
“And you don’t? Trying to manage Silas while you’re busy with the girls, the house, not to mention your own work, too?”
“It’s different. You know how it is.”
Jess did not know how it was. All she knew about family dynamics was derived from her childhood, watching their father grind their mother’s confidence down to nothing.
“Talk to Cody and let me know so I can arrange the time off with Eleanor. I know it won’t be a problem.”
“I’ll talk to him. Thanks for thinking of it, Jess. Seriously.”
Though Rachel put up a fuss, Jess insisted on paying for dinner. “My treat. Consider it a late birthday dinner.”
They were on the way to Rachel’s car when her sister suddenly stopped in her tracks and grabbed Jess’s arm. “Speaking of birthdays. I completely forgot yours is coming up. Next week, isn’t it?”
“I’m trying to forget about it. But yes.”
She usually didn’t mind birthdays but there was something about this one that had been wearing on her lately.
She was turning thirty. It was a number she still couldn’t wrap her head around.