Rachel
As Rachel closed the door into the adjoining bedroom of their hotel suite, she wanted to collapse into a heap on the bed, pull the covers over her head and stay there for the next twenty-four hours.
The drive had been every bit the nightmare she had feared. Traffic had been backed up the whole way and then the GPS had led them the wrong way to the hotel, about twenty minutes out of their way to a similarly named hotel in a nearby community.
She had worried Silas would fall asleep on the drive and then not be able to sleep once they reached the hotel. By about thirty minutes into the drive, she was praying he would fall asleep.
She suspected he was carsick but he couldn’t communicate that. Instead, he had cried and none of the usual soothing techniques seemed to be working.
Cody had suggested they pull over and trade places so she could drive the remainder of the way to the hotel and he could try his hand with Silas.
She had ended up snapping that they were already late enough and she didn’t want to waste time pulling over.
He was only trying to help. He wasn’t trying to imply that he was better with their son than she was. She knew that but couldn’t help feeling defensive. She was with Silas all day and knew him better than anybody did. She ought to be able to calm him, if anyone could.
Cody had been right. Silas had needed the distraction of his father sitting with him, not her. Instead, he grew increasingly irritable until they finally stopped at McDonald’s to grab dinner for him in case he was hangry.
That had calmed him somewhat but they were all still upset with each other when they reached the hotel.
Nothing was going the way she had planned. So much for the romantic dinner she had planned. Cody had ended up buying something at McDonald’s, too.
She could have told him she had prearranged a dinner once they arrived but by then she had been too worn-out to care.
Instead of bringing them together, she felt more distant than ever from her husband.
“Is he asleep?” Cody asked.
“Finally. I hope he stays that way.”
She slumped into the armchair in the room, certain she looked as completely exhausted as she felt.
“You can’t keep going on this way, Rach. You need help.”
“I’m okay. It’s just been a long day.”
“Following a long week and a long month and a long two years and eight months. You’re worn-out. I still think we should hire someone to help you. A nanny would take some of the burden off your shoulders.”
And admit failure? She wasn’t ready to do that. “We’ve talked about how much it would cost to have an autism-trained nanny come in. The expense would eat away all our savings, pushing back our plans to build our dream house by years.”
“Do you think I care about any dream house? I just want my wife back.”
His words and the edge of desperation in them made her guilty and defensive at the same time. “I haven’t gone anywhere, Cody. I’m not the one who works sixteen-hour days so you don’t have to come home and deal with your family.”
Color rose in his face but he didn’t deny that’s what he was doing. “Why not? When I’m home, you don’t seem to want or need me around. Everything I do is wrong.”
She couldn’t help that she had figured out the best way to do things after years of running their house. Every time she gently tried to explain why her way was better, he got mad and stormed off.
She was pushing him away. Why couldn’t she just shut up and let him load the dishwasher wrong and add the wrong detergent to the white clothes?
Where the hell would her perfection get her when she didn’t have a husband?
She didn’t want to have this fight right now. Not in this cute boutique hotel with the bohemian decor and the tassels on the pillows. She had entertained all these fantasies about seducing her husband, sharing physical closeness, which usually led to at least some emotional closeness.
Right now sex was the last thing on her mind but maybe if she took a break from the situation she could come back more in the mood.
“I’m going to sit by the pool for a minute and call Jess to check on the girls.”
“You don’t have to leave. You can call from here.”
“I’ve been sitting in the car for three hours. I need some air,” she said.
He studied her, his blue eyes she loved so much suddenly filled with a sadness that broke her heart. Could he feel their marriage slipping away, too?
“What about dinner? I ate at McD’s but you didn’t have anything. I can order room service for you. I could probably eat dessert.”
“I’m not hungry,” she said. “I’ll take one of the protein shakes I packed down to the pool and drink that.”
By the time she made it to the outdoor pool, surrounded by palm trees and lush landscaping, she felt even more horrible for her pissy mood.
What was wrong with her? She wasn’t usually so negative. Ever since Silas’s diagnosis, her temper was on a hair trigger.
She had taken everything out on Cody, who didn’t deserve her constant bad mood.
She should drink her shake, call her sister, and then go back and have incredible makeup sex with her husband.
Jess didn’t answer until after the fourth ring.
“Hi,” she said, sounding breathless. “Sorry. I guess I left my phone down in the kitchen while I was reading a story to Grace. I barely heard it.”
She suddenly yearned to be home with her girls with hugs and stories and the soft sweetness of bedtime.
“Is everything okay there?”
“Great. The kitchen fire was small and the firefighters were able to put it out quickly with almost no damage to the house.”
“Jess.” Sometimes her sister’s sense of humor escaped her.
“I’m sorry. I’m teasing. We had a great afternoon and evening. We took a bike ride this afternoon, built an epic sandcastle, which I took pictures of, and ended up having pizza at the park with Nate Whitaker and Sophie. Ava is already asleep and Grace will probably be there by the time we end this phone call.”
Nate again. Things there seemed more and more interesting.
“Thank you again for staying with them.”
“It’s been no problem at all.” Jess spoke with a sincerity Rachel didn’t usually hear from her sister, who tended to keep all her emotions tightly wrapped.
“They’re great girls, Rachel. Funny and kind and smart. I can tell you’re a good mom.”
The quiet words of approval, so desperately needed, sent Rachel over the edge. Her throat tightened and tears burned her eyes.