At the water’s edge, she immediately went to Eleanor’s bench and sank down, already feeling the ocean’s calming effect.
The tide was going out, she could see with a quick sweep of the flashlight. Stars spilled across the sky and the moon’s reflection danced along the surface of the water, dancing on the waves.
Her sister’s words seemed to replay over and over in her head.
You’ve never even had a relationship that lasted more than a week because you’re so screwed up about what happened with our parents that you’re afraid to let anybody get close to you.
Rachel was exactly right. Jess sucked at close relationships and inevitably pushed everyone away before they could really know the heart of her.
It seemed that in every relationship, romantic or otherwise, she struggled to find her way. She was either afraid of becoming abusive and controlling like her father or needy and subservient like her mother. Jess had no idea how to find a healthy way through those two dynamics that had surrounded her as a child. As a result, she didn’t even try.
She was lonely.
Bitterly lonely.
Most of the time she told herself she was happy with her independent, no-strings lifestyle. And maybe most of the time she was. But every once in a while, like tonight on this day she had turned another decade older, she wondered if she could endure a lifetime of this.
She didn’t know how long she sat there trying to find peace in the low murmur of the sea. Sometime later, she caught a glimmer of light out of the corner of her eye and finally looked away from the waves to find a flashlight coming toward her.
So much for her solitude. Was it a late-night beachcomber? Or maybe kids coming down to make out on this isolated beach.
She saw a dark shape bounding toward her, dragging a leash, and recognized Cinder, Nate’s black Lab.
In the moonlight, the dog wagged her tail, looking thrilled to find her there as Jess reached out to pet her.
“Sorry,” Nate called. “She got away from me.”
“No problem,” she answered, wishing she could figure out a way to have a dog so she would feel a little less alone in the world.
“Are you all right?” he asked as he approached the bench. “I saw you drive up and sit in your truck for a while then rush straight down here.”
“Are you worried turning thirty has me so distraught I’m going to walk into the ocean and you’ll be stuck having to clean out the rest of your mother’s house by yourself?”
Nate sat beside her on the bench. He was big and warm and she had a sudden, completely irrational urge to nestle against him.
“No. I’m just worried about you. Everything okay?”
She laughed humorlessly. “Not really.”
“Want to talk about it?”
Did she? Or did she want to wallow here in her angst?
“Rachel and I had a fight. I said things I wish I hadn’t. And she said things I wish she hadn’t, but things I probably needed to hear.”
“I’ve never had a sibling. I can’t imagine it’s always easy.”
“No. They see the worst in you and usually know all your darkest moments.”
That was an understatement of epic proportions. Rachel had been there, too, both of them helpless to stop the events of that day.
One would think that enduring something like that would have created an unshakable bond between them. Instead, they were virtual strangers who kicked out at each other instead of finding solace together.
“What are your darkest moments?” he asked.
She didn’t want to tell him. She rarely told anyone. Yvette knew, of course. Other than that, she liked keeping that box locked up tightly.
It was open now, the memories seething restlessly. There was something about the kindness she could see in his eyes, even in the dim moonlight, that made her want to lower her guard. All those memories swirled faster, until they threatened to pull her down with them. The fight with Rachel made everything seem so vivid.
“It’s ugly. So ugly.”
“Is this about your parents?” he guessed.
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“You don’t have to tell me if you would rather not,” he said quietly. “I know you’re a private person and I understand and respect that.”
She sighed, petting Cinder. She found comfort and an odd sort of strength in the dog’s heat and the soft fur under her hands.
She would prefer to forget the whole thing but the box was open now. Perhaps the telling of it would help her gather all those memories and stuff them back where they belonged.
She released a shaky breath, twisting her hands in Cinder’s fur. “My parents married when my mother was only seventeen. My father was twenty-six.”
“A wide age difference.”
“Yes. Disproportionate in every way. They had a horrible relationship. My father was in the army and his favorite assignment was drill sergeant. He was the worst kind, cruel bordering on sadistic, and he ran our house just like his troops.”
“I know the type. I’m sorry.”
The compassion in his voice told her he understood exactly what she was talking about. “Our mom, Roni, adored him. She wouldn’t listen to a word against him. Even when he ground her self-confidence to nothing, she loved him.”
“Did he...abuse her?”
“Physically, no. At least not that we ever saw. In every other possible way, yes. He cheated on her, verbally abused her, made her feel like nothing. And basically did the same to me and Rachel.”
The darkness seemed to surround her and she was grateful for his presence, solid and reassuring. Not that she couldn’t fight off the memories herself but sometimes it was nice to have someone else there to give her strength.
“Your mother didn’t try to protect you?”
“All she ever saw was our father.” Jess had figured out even at a young age that their mother wasn’t healthy, either mentally or emotionally. Her complete, unquestioning loyalty to her husband, no matter how he treated her or their children, was wrong on every single level.
“I don’t want you to think it was all horrible. He was deployed for long stretches at a time, which was great. We could all relax for a time. And Rachel and I always had each other. We talked about how we were going to move out as soon as we could, just the two of us, and get a place together. We were going to go to college together. She was going to be a schoolteacher and I was going to be a veterinarian.”
She was silent, remembering nights in whatever base housing they currently called home when she and Rachel had talked long past midnight about what they would do when they were free of the tension inside their family.