“So much.” Rachel gave a watery smile. “Since the moment I met him when I was a scared fourteen-year-old foster kid. He was so kind to me. We had gym class together and you know I wasn’t athletic at all. He worked with me after school for a week, trying to teach me how to shoot a free throw so I wouldn’t humiliate myself by shooting air ball after air ball in my new school.”
“You never told me that.”
Rachel shrugged. “There are a lot of things I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to think I was a weakling. You were my tough, fearless, invulnerable sister.”
“Ha. That’s so not true. You know it’s not.”
“You became a soldier, Jess. Two deployments to the Middle East. You’ve always been a badass. Which is why I didn’t want to bother you with my dumb problems. You had bigger things to worry about. But Cody helped out. I’m actually really great at free throws now. You should see me.”
She brushed a strand of Rachel’s hair out of her face. “Cody helped you with that. He can help you deal with Silas, too, but you have to let him.”
She remembered Nate’s words to her and decided to repurpose them for her sister. “You can’t carry everything by yourself, Rachel. I don’t know why you feel like you have to.”
To her dismay, this seemed to set off the tears again. More dripped down her sister’s cheeks, so many that the poor napkin wasn’t going to cut it. Jess jumped up and reached into her trailer for the box of tissues she kept in the cabinet next to the door.
“I know.” Rachel sniffled. “It’s just that Mom was helpless about everything. She wouldn’t make a decision about changing toilet paper brands without Dad’s say-so. I don’t want to be like that.”
“It seems to me that you’ve gone in the exact opposite direction. You don’t want to rely on Cody for anything, even when your life feels completely overwhelming.”
“It does. It’s so hard. There are days I want to get in my car and just drive and drive and drive and never look back. I can never tell Cody that. It would break his heart.”
She buried her face in her hands. “I love our family. I do. I just...wish things could go back to the way they were when Silas was a quiet, easy baby, before he was diagnosed. Before I had pages and pages of books to read about how to handle him, before we had daylong doctor appointments, before the future became so uncertain and so damn scary for my child.” She sobbed again. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.”
Her shoulders shook with her sobs and Jess had never felt more helpless. How could she offer comfort to her sister? She had never had a child at all, let alone one with a serious, potentially life-changing disability. She didn’t have any words to make this better. Nothing she said would change Rachel and Cody’s reality anyway.
She picked her words carefully. “You are an amazing mother, Rachel. Every time I see you with the kids, I’m impressed all over again at how you make it look so effortless.”
Rachel scoffed. “I wish.”
“You do. The one night I stayed with the girls was one of the hardest things I ever did. And I didn’t have Silas that night, just Grace and Ava, who are basically self-sufficient. Everything the girls told me about their daily routine just reinforced what a good mother you are.”
She gripped Rachel’s hand. “The amazing thing to me about it is that you’re completely self-taught. We didn’t get any guidance from Roni. But the girls told me that every day you make them come home and report about a good deed they have done that day. They showed me the shelves full of books in their room and the reading nook you created and told me you read to them every single night.”
“I’ve always loved books.”
“I know. And you’re teaching your children to love books, too. Even Silas. Yesterday at my party, he sat on Eleanor’s lap for a long time while they looked through picture books. That’s all coming from you.”
Rachel sighed. “I don’t feel like anything I do is enough.”
“That’s the first thing you should stop right now. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. I know social media is your business and that you’re great at it but somehow you have to stop looking at how everyone else defines a good mother. Give yourself a freaking break, Rachel.”
Her sister gave another watery laugh. “Is that an order, Staff Sergeant Clayton?”
“Sure. If that’s what it takes.”
She squeezed her sister’s hand again. “I also think you need to start taking time for yourself without feeling guilty about it. When was the last time you spent a few hours doing exactly what you wanted, not for a blog post or an Instagram story. Just for your mental health?”
Rachel looked pensive. “I don’t know. I honestly can’t remember.”
“There you go. Take Silas to your mother-in-law’s house while the girls are at school. She raised Cody and his siblings. Four kids born within six years, right? She can handle one two-year-old.”
“Silas is harder to handle than your average two-year-old. He can be so difficult sometimes.”
“And you’ll be the only one who can ever care for him unless you let others step in once in a while and try to figure it out. It will be good for him to spend some time with Grandma, and you can go to yoga class or something. Or better yet, put on some sexy lingerie and text Cody that you fixed lunch for him at home.”
Rachel blushed and gave a breathy laugh, but Jess thought she also looked intrigued by the idea.
“I could maybe do that.”
“You should. It will be good for you and for Cody. Don’t forget that he’s still your hero who taught you how to shoot free throws. You’ve loved him since you were fourteen.”
“I have. Silly, isn’t it?”
“No. It’s beautiful. And, Rach. If you’re the best mom I know, Cody is the best dad. The girls and Silas clearly adore him. You two make a fantastic team. You’ve just lost sight of that somewhere along the way and think you have to make all the free throws by yourself. What’s the good of being an ace shot if you won’t let anybody else on the court with you?”
Rachel laughed and shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re using a basketball analogy.”
“If that’s what it takes,” Jess said again.
Her sister rose and hugged her again. It felt so much like the old days, the Clayton sisters against the world, that Jess’s throat thickened and she almost started crying, too.
“Thank you. I came here to apologize for the way I ruined your party and the terrible things I said.”