A knot formed in the pit of her stomach. “Is that dangerous? How often would you be gone?”
“It’s relatively safe, but there’s always a danger of the operation being discovered and headquarters getting attacked. There’s no set schedule with this type of thing. I could be gone for weeks or months at a time. I could be assigned five missions or fifteen a year. There’s no way of knowing. But I’d come back in between assignments whenever I could, just like I used to.”
She felt the blood draining from her face. She wanted to say, But what about us? Your family? I just got you, and they just got you back. What about the foundation? Crash walked into the bathroom, rubbing against his leg, and they both looked down at him. She felt like her heart was shattering.
She met Grant’s gaze, and in that overwhelming instant, she remembered how angry he’d been all those weeks ago when the only thing he wanted was to be back with his team. Their relationship might feel like they’d been together for years, but they hadn’t. She couldn’t compete with years of brotherhood.
She couldn’t steal his happiness out from under him, either.
Putting forth a Herculean effort, she forced a happier expression and excitement into her voice. “That’s great. You’ll be with your buddies again.” She wrapped her towel around herself and pulled the clip from her hair. It tumbled down like a veil, and she headed into the bedroom to keep him from seeing the sadness in her eyes.
“Jules.” He reached for her, his face a tortured mask of uncertainty. “We should talk about this.”
“What’s to talk about?” She quickly dried off and put on her underwear and bra with shaking hands. “This is your brass ring, Grant.” As she pulled on her jeans, she said, “They’re offering you an opportunity to grasp the future you wanted with both hands.”
“What about us, Pix?”
“Pfft.” She waved her hand dismissively and put on her sweater, choking back tears. “I’ll be here when you come home. My love for you isn’t going to change because of a few thousand miles between us.”
Few. Thousand. Miles.
Anything could happen to him out there. Reality strangled her. He could get killed. She struggled to push those thoughts down deep, but they popped right back up like those damn groundhogs. Her heart slammed against the barbed wire twisting in her chest. She grabbed her socks and boots and sat down on the bed to put them on.
“You’d still want to be with me?”
How could he even ask that? Didn’t he know that he’d become her everything, too?
“Of course. And when you’re on your missions, I’ll be the pixie on your shoulder, guiding your way with my lantern.”
He sat beside her, putting his hand on her leg. “Jules, slow down a minute.”
“I can’t. I’m late for work.” And if I don’t get out of here right now, I’ll burst into tears. She stood, and he followed her out of the bedroom. “But we can talk about it more tonight. I’m meeting you at Majestic Park at six, right?”
“Yeah.” He grabbed her coat and helped her put it on. “Baby, I didn’t expect this.”
“I know.” There was no hiding the sadness in her voice, but she mustered all of her strength to hold back her tears and force a smile.
“I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.”
“I love you, too, and you won’t lose me. I’m on your side, remember? I want you to be happy. I always have. I need to go.” Before I break down. “Have fun with everyone setting up the tree lighting.”
He wrapped his arms around her and touched his forehead to hers. “We’ll talk about this tonight and make the right decision for us.”
“Okay,” she said softly.
He kissed her, and when she turned to leave, he grabbed her wrist. “Jules?”
Hope soared inside her. She blinked away tears and turned to face him.
“Please don’t tell Bellamy. I’ll tell my family when we figure it all out.”
She nodded, unable to speak, and hurried out the door.
The cold air stung her cheeks as she climbed into the Jeep. She drove away, and the dam broke, tears pouring from her eyes, sobs racking her body. She drove into town, blurry-eyed and brokenhearted. Holiday decorations hung from streetlights, and shops boasted holiday displays in their windows and Christmas wreaths Jules and her helpful elves had made and she and Grant had delivered. Another pang of hurt sliced through her. When she reached her shop, she stopped at the curb, looking at the two giraffes out front with their red-and-white scarves and Santa hats that Grant had secured with wire. For the first time ever, she couldn’t fathom going into work and faking being happy, or even saying Welcome to the Happy End.
This was not a happy end.
She thought about going up to her apartment, but they’d spent the night there twice in the last two weeks, and she knew she’d see Grant everywhere. She didn’t want to see anyone, and she could think of only one place where she could go to escape thoughts of Grant and be alone.
Her safe haven.
Archer’s boat.
He would be at work by now, giving her hours to pull herself together, and Roddy and Brant were helping set up the tree lighting, so she didn’t have to worry about them seeing her, either.
She drove to the marina on autopilot, gathered her things, and hurried along the dock to Archer’s boat. She went belowdecks, dropped her bag on the floor, shrugged off her coat, and sank down to the couch. She texted Bellamy and said she wasn’t feeling well and would be in later, and then she grabbed a pillow, hugging it to her chest to try to quell the throbbing ache inside her, and lay on her side, curled up on the cushions, giving in to her tears.
How did they go from a dream to a nightmare so fast?
That thought brought a wave of guilt. What kind of girlfriend was she? This wasn’t a nightmare. It was the answer to Grant’s prayers, and if she were honest with herself, it was the answer to hers, too. Or at least it had been. She’d wanted him to have the chance to return to Darkbird, to see that spark in his eyes again, that love of life that she’d missed.
But she saw that spark in his eyes when he looked at her, didn’t she? Didn’t everyone see it? Wasn’t that what they’d all been telling her for the last few weeks? She knew those two sparks were different. There was no replacing the brotherhood he’d described or the fulfilling career he’d left behind. Those people and missions would always hold a large piece of his heart, as they should. But she also knew that what she and Grant had was real.
But was that only because he couldn’t have what he’d really wanted? Was she a stand-in for his other life?
Hot tears slid over the bridge of her nose, and she closed her eyes against them. But the ache inside her at the thought of Grant being gone for months was too much, and sobs broke free. She told herself that military couples went through this all the time and they survived.
How did they do it?
How could loving someone hurt so bad?
She thought of the devastation Jock and Archer had suffered after Kayla, Jock’s pregnant girlfriend and Archer’s best friend, had been killed in the accident all those years ago. This was nothing compared to that. Grant was alive, and for now, he was here. She could hug him, kiss him, love him. Was she being selfish?