“You are not careless.” He says it with such quiet confidence that it salves that little crack in my heart.
“We’re lying right in the middle of all your hard work and kindness. Your mark is all over everything.” He looks at his tattooed forearm, then sighs up at the sky. “I wish I could be even a fraction of the person you are. Sometimes, I lose all composure when you look at me. You’ve got this look that just … levels me flat.”
“I’m not that great,” I say dolefully, and it makes him laugh. “Teddy, you’re a good person. I personally guarantee it. You’re very vain, but why wouldn’t you be.” I sift my fingertips through his black silk. “And you’ve done something no one else has.”
“What?” His eyes are full of starlight now. I cannot believe I have him here, holding me down, this rare, precious creature. He is going to break my heart when he walks off into the night.
“You stayed longer than any other boy.” I bend and press a kiss on his forehead. “For however long you stay, I’m glad I had you here. There’s no one else in the world who could compare to you.” These are words he loves to hear and I hope it’s because it’s me saying them. Now I’ve got to say something that might hurt him. “Do you think it’s time to let TJ go now?”
Teddy looks sideways at his tortoise, always at arm’s length. “I don’t think he’s ready.”
“I think he’s got to hit the road, just like Number One. And just like you will soon.”
“You always talk like you’re saying goodbye to me. Other girls have talked to me like I’m going to be a permanent fixture and it made me want to get up and walk out of rooms. But this is worse.” His eyes search mine.
“Worse, how?” I’m combing my fingers through his hair, and when I find no knots, I realize I’ve just been sitting here stroking him. “It’s okay. I’ve always known that you’re leaving.”
“You expecting me to leave makes me … itch.” He taps a finger on his chest, and without thought I begin to scratch him through his T-shirt. He’s laughing, he’s sad. “Stop always trying to give things to me. I don’t deserve your lovely scratching.”
He rolls off me and the loss of his weight on me is as dreadful as I anticipated. He picks up TJ and says to him, “Ruthie thinks you’re ready.” Then to me, “Are you sure I can’t take him with me? I’d take perfect care of him.”
I kneel up too. “I know you would. But he’s got to find a wife. Or a husband. I don’t actually know if that’s a male tortoise. This is where he belongs. I don’t think living his life in a tank in your new place will compare to this.”
We look up at the celestial dome forming above us as the sun sinks lower. The sky is a thousand shades of violet. A breeze skates over us. I can smell pollen and Renata’s perfume that Teddy is gassed to death in. (He calls it Spiteful Number Five.) There’s the sludgy mud of the lake bank and the wool of the blanket, too. Providence is safe, held in this cupped dome of silver pinprick stars, and maybe for tonight I can let myself rest.
“I’m really tired of looking after everything,” I confess without context, but he just nods and puts TJ down. We watch him walk toward the general direction of the lake. “I’m really proud of you. My first one walked off like that and it kinda hurt my feelings.”
“Yeah. Well, maybe we should go home. Did you see the fancy ice creams I put in the freezer? I’ve been living for them.” The way he talks is like we live together, forever, nestled up together under a blanket.
I know that’s not how things are, but gosh it would be nice to have a big, bold, passionate memory to return to when I’m alone again. We’re facing each other now, kneeling, close enough to touch.
I’ve got to grab this moment while my big rare creature remains with me on this picnic blanket. I need to do something big, or else I’ll be left with nothing but what-ifs. “I’m fairly inexperienced at these things, but this feels like a really romantic setting.”
“It is.” He’s looking at me with a spark of interest in his eyes. “You’re finally noticing that?”
I’m being drawn into his black pupils like he’s hypnotizing me. “Could I ask you to kiss me, please?”
“Your wish is my command,” he says, leaning down. Just a fraction before he touches my lips with his, he says, “But only if you come to the tattoo studio.”
“Yes,” I say, and I get my wish. It is everything I hoped it would be.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“Are we there?” Renata asks from the back seat, yawning like a kid. “That was quick.”
It wasn’t quick. It was a very long drive, and Teddy and I listened to almost eleven episodes of the Heaven Sent podcast. My hamstrings are tight from sitting, and my stomach hurts from laughing at everything Teddy says. Is it legal to have such a gorgeous side profile?
“Aggie. Aggie.” Renata is nudging her sister. “We’re here at the tattoo parlor. Aggie.” I twist in my seat. Aggie is resting against the door, eyes closed, mouth open. My heart jumps in fright and Renata begins to shake her. “Wake. Up.”
Aggie makes a deep, dry gurgle and sits upright. Everyone breathes out.
“I thought you were dead,” Renata accuses her.
“Not quite,” Aggie replies. She allows Renata to fuss over her, and she does for a few long moments, straightening Aggie’s collar, patting her hand. When I look in the rearview mirror, I see Renata’s eyes are glossed in tears. “It’s all right, it’s all right,” Aggie repeats.
“You really scared me,” Renata retorts, her voice breaking on a sob. “And look how close I am to my tattoo. I would have been too late.”
“Well, you’re not,” Aggie replies. They lean together, foreheads touching. It’s a moment that Teddy and I are now intruding on and we get out of the car. I’m missing something, but I can’t work it out.
“Phew, that felt like a close one,” Teddy says. “Does that kind of moment happen a lot for you?”
“Yes, it does. I’ve found plenty of people who have passed away.”
“Really.” Teddy is surprised. “How do you deal with it?”
“I’ve got a checklist that guides me through it.” I look over at him and see that answer isn’t remotely enough. “Then, after the funeral company has left and their family members have gone home, I cry in the bath.” I don’t want to remember the last time that happened, just over four months ago. Tiny, frail Mrs. Higgins didn’t answer her door when I checked in on her. I found her in bed, ice cold. And I let these three coax me off the property again, leaving everyone behind.
“Please tell me about your studio,” I say with a lump in my throat. “Please help me think of something else.”
Teddy puts an arm around my shoulder. “This is my place. Well, it will be. What do you think? The sign got done yesterday” On the front window is an old-fashioned sailor tattoo, an anchor with a scroll over the top. I read the name of the studio out loud. “Always and Forever. That’s quite a romantic name for a tattoo studio.”