Tears well in his eyes but I can’t help but keep spilling my deepest emotions. He deserves to know, even if it’s not his fault.
“When I tried committing suicide, you were my reason.”
“Don’t say that,” he begs, the heartbreak written on every inch of his features.
“I wanted to be with you. How could the sibling who enjoyed life… thrived, even, how could he be taken while the fucking mental case of one who hated living was forced in a life sentence without her best friend?”
The tears come again and I want to rage, punch walls, and let out the bubbling agony that’s festered for so long, the absolute disgust with who I’ve been, my sacrifices… I just want the feelings to stop. They’re toppling over and I can’t control them. Much like before when coping was a distant meaning to something I never understood, I’m losing control.
“You would have been okay if I died, you know?”
He vehemently shakes his head. “No, I would’ve been distraught.”
“You’d have been fine. You’d have had Parris. You’d make it.” His eyes widen at Parris’s name. “Yes, I know,” I add. “He loves you.”
His face falls at that, the gripping realization of a love he’s abandoned must be heavy.
“You dying was the worst part of living. I had to accept that you were never going to breathe again and along with you, I’d never breathe again either.”
“You’re killing me. I never intended for this to happen.” He tries coming toward me and I wave him off. Logically, I know he never intended to hurt me, but emotionally, the damage is done and I can’t seem to push that away.
“Who else?” I ask again, knowing that if we’re going to talk the hard stuff, I need the pain out of the way.”
“Can we at least go drink and sit somewhere comfortable?” he offers, his eyebrows raised. Without a nod or gesture, I open the door and walk into a hallway.
Immediately, I realize how similar this is to the cabin in Arcadia. It’s fully furnished, rustic, but it’s missing love and everything that would make it personal.
He walks around me, heading for the opening to a kitchen. His first stop is a fridge, which he opens and pulls out beers. Much like the ones Mortem has in the house, I realize they must be close.
Imagine not knowing your father just to find out he’s been being one to your brother. The mixed emotions I get from that realization bothers me far too much.
I sit and he comes next to me on a long couch. He pops the top off both beers and hands me one. “That party didn’t go the way we’d planned.”
“We?” I question.
“Me, actually. I’d found Dad and plans changed. He helped me. I’d heard rumors about a ledger, Dad told me he hadn’t seen it in years since he stashed it. Apparently, the Grims kept this book detailing everything that ever happened since the original Grim of Arcadia.”
“Lewis,” we say in unison. He narrows his eyes at me, not realizing Mortem told me about Lewis and Toby’s devastating story.
“So, he helped me. Unfortunately, it wasn’t where he’d last buried it.”
Blinking slowly, I do a once-over of my brother. Much like before his death, his eyes have dark rings, his face is sharper, and the lack of sleep is obvious. It’s dawning on me that when he was “alive” he knew about our dad and didn’t tell me.
“You knew he existed?”
“He found me,” Cass argues softly. “He wanted to meet you so badly, but with the Council after me and the entire Vestige turning on me, we knew if he came back publicly, we’d both be in even more danger.”
Again, logic fights with my heart.
“That wasn’t your decision to make.” I find my voice with that decision. “You both can scream until you’re black and blue, tell me it was to protect me and whatnot…” I start. “Even the guys use that pitiful excuse to erase their actions. You all can love me, want what’s best for me, and protect me to your best ability, but don’t take my choice away.”
He nods once. “I’m sorry, Col.” I wave him forward, not wanting to yell while he’s trying to give me information. The difference between my brother and the guys? He’s willing to compromise. He trusts me, he wants to help me help him. I can see it in his expression.
“Dad told me about a ledger. I’d spent days looking in all the places I’d think it’d be. To be honest, I figured it was a lost cause. The problem being, the party was happening and the last two places to look were the tower and cabin.”
Remembering that night, I’m stuck on how busy it was inside both the cabin and tower. They’d started at the cabin and made their way to the tower. Exclusive parties were always insane to me. I’d never been invited or allowed to go, and that night, I wasn’t supposed to.
“I wasn’t supposed to be there,” I whisper, knowing that the trauma I experienced could’ve been prevented if I’d simply took Cassidy’s advice. “Did you know then?”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t plan my death, Col. It was attempted murder.”
None of this should shock me, it’s the assumption I’ve made without the attempted part added in. I expected all of them covering up his murder. That party changed me in more ways than one. It was the first night I’d realized I wanted all four of the guys. Together.
There was a moment where all I pictured was them all taking turns with me. But more so, we were building trust. Apparently, I was wrong.
“Did they do this, the guys?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know who pushed me, I’m just lucky I survived.”
“Fuck, then how are we supposed to fix this?” I grumble. He scrunches his face, and I can feel it, the exhaustion he has.
“That’s what Dad and I were trying to figure out. I’d gone up there for the ledger. He didn’t know where it’d be. I know you don’t remember a ton from when we were kids, but there was this room at the cabin. One I don’t remember ever seeing but somehow did?”
My eyes widen, thinking of all these random memories I have missing. “What do you know about my memories?”
He lets out a huff and I grab the beer, trying to drown my nerves.
“They’ve been taking them from you.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cassidy
“What do you mean they took them from me?” Her voice gets pitchier. But I’m stuck on the fact that she’s here. I’m troubled with the stress and absence of hope in her eyes. My sister always claimed she was the darkness and I’d brought her peace and light.