“It’s how I feel.”
She dried her hands on her jeans and faced him. “Is it? Or is it how you think?”
“I don’t get what you’re saying.”
“I believe that explanation is what you think, but I doubt very much it’s what you feel.”
“You’re talking in circles, Josie.”
“Let’s go at it from another angle, then. I’ve heard several times that Sarah would love to have you call her Mom. She’s wanted that for years.”
He gazed at her and tried to figure out what she was going for. “I guess she still doesn’t understand my reasons.”
“I think she does, Jack, and that’s the problem. You’re a smart guy, and you’ve rationalized this beautifully, but the fact is, by refusing to call her Mom, you’ve maintained a distance between the two of you.”
“There’s no distance.” Anger rose in him. “I adore that woman.”
“Then why not make her happy? Why not call her what she’d rather be called?”
“Because it would hurt!” He drew in a sharp breath. He hadn’t meant to say that. “What I mean is, it—”
“What you mean is that it would hurt,” Josie said quietly. “And you are deathly afraid of being hurt.”
His body clenched, beginning with his jaw and going all the way down to his toes. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Maybe not. But I do know one thing. This wall you’ve built around yourself so you won’t get hurt again the way your mother hurt you, and the way your dad hurt you when he died — that wall is high enough to keep me out, too. Until you’re willing to tear down that wall forever, I won’t be in your life.” She crossed to Destiny and untied him from the tree. “We’d better be getting back.”
Panic gripped him. “Josie, what the hell are you saying? What damned wall? We just made love!”
“I always thought that’s what we were doing, Jack, which is what kept me hoping that we had a future together. But I think we were just having sex.” Turning away, she mounted Destiny in a smooth move worthy of a more accomplished rider.
This conversation couldn’t be happening. Everything had been going along so well, except for last night’s set-to with Alex. But Josie hadn’t referred to last night, so he didn’t think that was the problem.
He walked over to Destiny and took hold of the horse’s bridle. “Josie, don’t do this. Give it time. We’ve only been back together for a few days.”
She gazed down at him. “How much time should I give it, Jack? Six months? Been there, done that. I didn’t like the way Alex interrogated you last night, but it made me aware that you really don’t know how you feel about me.”
So Alex and his damned questions were behind this, after all. Jack hated these kinds of confrontations, but this one was in full swing. He needed to find a way to turn it around. “I was put on the spot last night and couldn’t think very well. But you know I like being with you. That should be obvious. We have a great time together.”
“I’m sure you like being around your stepmother, too.”
“Of course I do. She’s a terrific woman.”
“And she wants to be your mother, in word as well as deed.”
“Damn it!” Jack blew out a breath. “What is so all-fired important about the name I use for my stepmother?”
“When you figure that out, maybe you’ll understand why I’m calling it quits.” She glanced at his hand, which still clutched Destiny’s bridle. “Let me go, Jack.”
“This is no good, Josie. We have the wedding coming up in a few days. Everyone expects us to—”
“Don’t worry about the wedding. I’ll be fine, and so will you. Neither one of us is capable of ruining the big day for Morgan and Gabe.”
“Couldn’t we just go on as we’ve been doing? Why are you making such a point of this now?”
She looked into his eyes. “To borrow your words, because it hurts. It hurts a lot, Jack. Now let go of the bridle.”
He decided there was no percentage in keeping her here, so he backed away from Destiny. Josie had made up her mind about him and the stupid wall she was convinced he’d built around himself. What a crock.
He didn’t have a wall around him or he never would have been rolling around on that blanket with her. But nothing he said would sway her at this point. Well, unless he suddenly agreed to start using the word mom when referring to Sarah. For the life of him he couldn’t figure out what that had to do with anything, and he wasn’t about to be railroaded into something that would feel damned awkward, especially after all this time.
Watching Josie ride out of the clearing was a surreal experience. A horrible experience, to be honest. His chest tightened up and he felt short of breath. For a brief moment he wondered if he was having a heart attack, although that was ridiculous. Heart problems didn’t run in the family, and he was a healthy thirty-two-year-old.
That left him with the obvious conclusion that he was reacting emotionally to having Josie cut out on him. That was also ridiculous. He’d done fine without her for ten months, and he could do fine without her again.
But if that was true, how come there was this massive ache in his chest? In addition to that, he thought the top of his head was about to come off. He hadn’t had a headache in months, not since… the day his dad died. That was the last time he’d felt this bad.
But that had been different. He’d lost his only remaining parent, so of course he’d feel… Jack paused when he realized the phrase he’d just used. His only remaining parent. Strictly speaking, that was true, and yet Sarah had been the equivalent of a parent since he’d been four.
He didn’t think of her that way, though. She was just… Sarah. Why Josie was so hung up on that was a real mystery to him. But he and Josie were done now, for sure. Totally finished. She’d left him.
She’d left him. Jack sat on the ground and stared at the spot where she’d disappeared down the trail. She’d left him. His chest tightened up again, and the pressure behind his eyes was intense. Maybe he’d just sit here for awhile, until the pressure went away.
It would, eventually. He remembered that from the day his father died, and again, at the funeral. The pressure would build up until he thought his head would explode, but if he just waited it out, he’d be okay. All he had to do was sit here awhile.
Josie let Destiny pick his own way along the path while she swiped at her brimming eyes. She’d managed to keep a lid on her emotions until she’d ridden away, but now the tears kept coming. She needed to get them under control before she got back to the barn.
She also needed a story to explain why she was coming back ahead of Jack. Nobody would believe her, though, no matter what she said, unless she told them the truth. She could always go with that. What a novel idea.
But in the process she had to calm their fears about a wedding fiasco in the making. If Sarah happened to be home when she got there, she’d talk with her. That might or might not help, but Sarah, who had been married to a man very similar to Jack, and who dealt with Jack himself on a regular basis, might be the only person who would understand.