“You did what had to be done. No one condemns you for protecting your drahi.”
“I know,” Jotahan said sadly, feeling as if the toxin of the dead chanu zayul infected his body instead of Sarah’s. He tapped his chest. “But I will always feel the pain of her death, and wonder if there was something I could have done to help her before she went mad.”
Kevos huffed. “She was always obsessed with you. Even when you were young. You allowed her to lead you around like her pet, so wrapped up in your training and duty that you never objected to her controlling ways as long as they didn’t interfere with those. That madness was always in her. Her circle saw it, though I don’t think even they truly understood how bad it had gotten.”
Jotahan shook his head, not meeting Kevos’ eyes, unwilling to believe his words. “If that’s true, why would you have taken her to your bed? You told me she was the perfect yan-kanat female.”
Kevos shrugged. “I imagine she would have been perfect for you, as long as she could manipulate you. I am not proud that I failed to see what she was until after I took her as a lover, but I was never serious about her, nor she about me. I understood what little I meant to her.” He bowed his head, his spines flicking. “I also understood that she planned to convince you to abandon your drahi, and choose her instead.” He looked up to meet Jotahan’s narrowed glare. “I swear to you that I had no idea how far she intended to go to get rid of her rival, or I would have put a stop to her plans.”
“You wanted her to succeed in changing my mind.” Jotahan’s spines rose. “You would have been happy if she had.”
Kevos flicked a quick glance in the direction of Sarah’s bed. “I believed that taking a nixir drahi would be a mistake for you. I thought that you were only doing your duty to Seta Zul, and that all you desired from this mating was nestlings. I did not want to see you bound in an unhappy mating for the rest of your life. Nor did I want an unhappy nixir living among our people, stirring up trouble.”
“None of this is Sarah’s fault,” Jotahan snarled, straightening, even though his exhaustion made him feel weak.
“I know.” Kevos bowed his head again. “I realize that. I underestimated her, and overestimated the yan-kanat. I never believed one of our kind would be so deceptive, and I assumed all nixirs were capable of such perfidy. But now, I have seen how much you love her, and I know that you would be incomplete without her. I also heard her profess her love for you, when she was too addled with hallucinations to lie.”
He looked up to meet Jotahan’s accusing glare. “I was wrong to object to her presence. Wrong to threaten her life. Wrong to assume I knew better than a goddess what was good for our people. I don’t want your nixir to die, Jotahan. I hope that she will recover soon.”
As Jotahan looked away, returning his gaze to Sarah’s face, Kevos spoke again. “It will devastate her if she recovers only to find that you have fallen because you refuse to take care of yourself in your grief.”
He knew Kevos was right. Knew that he needed sleep, and that his body needed food and fluids to heal. He wouldn’t do himself or Sarah any favors by expiring at her bedside because he couldn’t bear to walk away from her, even for a short time.
“Rataka has come to sit by Sarah’s side in your absence.”
Jotahan stiffened. “She is one of Farona’s circle. How do I know she can be trusted with Sarah?”
Kevos sighed, running a hand over his spines to flatten them. “It is a tragedy that we must now question the motives of everyone we allow to come close to us. I fear we will end up living like the nixirs, always forced to watch our back, even among our own kin.”
“Farona fooled us all. How can I be certain of any of the others she drew into her influence?”
Kevos shook his head. “Would you and your drahi live in the wilderness, hiding from all yan-kanat to avoid another betrayal? The healers will ensure that Rataka does nothing against their orders. I don’t believe she or any of the other members of her circle were capable of what Farona did, and she appears to be genuine in her concern for Sarah.”
Jotahan didn’t want to trust anyone alone with his drahi. Not even the healers. But his body was failing him. Weakened, wounded, exhausted. He would end up falling out soon enough, and the healers would have him dragged out of this sickroom unconscious. Best to walk out on his own two feet and try to trust that they would be good judges of character and not allow anyone to harm his drahi.
He followed Kevos out of the room after one last kiss on Sarah’s warm forehead. Her eyelids did not so much as flicker. Her hand in his did not give the slightest twitch. Hopelessness and despair pulled at his spirit as he rose to his feet and dragged at him as he walked away from her.
He barely noticed the healer pacing on the other side of the door when they left the room, his gaze zeroing in on the slender female who waited with the healer. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears, but she met his gaze with a steady one of her own.
“I will take care of her, Jotahan,” she said, thumping her chest with her fist. “Farona’s hate did not poison the rest of us. We should have recognized the signs of Farona’s sickness, but none of us could imagine one of our own doing such a thing.” She bowed her head, her spines flat. “Your drahi has more friends among us than you think. She has proven herself to be good people. We are all praying for her recovery.”
Rataka seemed sincere. Jotahan wanted to believe. He wanted to regain faith in his people. He wanted to think that Farona’s betrayal was a once in a lifetime anomaly. The needs of his body for rest and healing gave him no choice in the matter, so he nodded to her without a word, then left the room with one last glance back at Sarah’s sickroom.
Kevos kept his pace slow as he led Jotahan back to his own sickroom. He remained while Jotahan was served a tray, claiming he would ensure that Jotahan ate everything on it.
“I am not a nestling,” Jotahan growled to Kevos in irritation as the food was set in front of him by a servant, who bowed at his thanks, then left the room as quietly as she’d entered.
“Then stop behaving like one. You think I want to act as your nest watcher? Unfortunately, the healers and servants would only submit to you and let you bully them into ignoring your failing health.”
“You exaggerate.” Jotahan picked up his eating utensil to poke without much enthusiasm at a slice of kirev bake. It jiggled in response.
“Like it or not, we are bound by this shared tragedy, Jotahan. I have always respected you, but I did not intend to become your keeper.”
Jotahan stabbed the kirev bake, shooting a glare at Kevos. Then he sighed, feeling the exhaustion pulling him down onto his mattress. “I’m sorry about Ane-ata. Her death truly is a tragedy.”
Kevos studied the tapestry hanging on the wall behind Jotahan’s bed. “I went to visit her that night in the hopes that I could prove to her that she and I were not meant to be together. I believed that all I had to do was show her that she was not my mate, and that she would give up on her hopes of a relationship and move on to a male who could appreciate her the way she deserved to be appreciated.”
“I never understood why you were so sure she wasn’t your mate, Kevos,” Jotahan said, ignoring the unappetizing food to regard Kevos curiously.