That’s the easy part. Now comes the hard part of what I have to say.
“Last year, I was in school for psychology. I was a grad student and life was going just as I planned. Then in a matter of weeks, my life turned upside down.”
“What happened?” Cade asks, probably thinking I’m going to say something like I failed a class.
If only it was that simple or that minor.
I look up at him and try to smile, but I can’t fake it when I have to tell him the truth about what happened. “I fell apart when something in my life changed.”
Those aren’t the words I know I should say, but using the word breakdown always sounds so damn pathetic. I don’t want to tell him I had a mental breakdown.
He doesn’t say anything, but I see on his face he’s confused. I don’t blame him. I’m almost talking in code because I dread having to admit the truth in case it chases him away.
“This time last year, I was engaged to be married. My life was perfect, at least I thought it was. I was well on my way to the career I’d planned for years, and I had a fiancé who I thought wanted to get married like I did. I found out that wasn’t true, though, one night when I walked into his apartment and found him in bed with her.”
“Damn, Hailey. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t remember much after that. I drove back to my place somehow—God only knows how because I was a mess—and I crawled into bed. And then I didn’t get out of bed for months. By the time my parents stepped in, I’d lost thirty pounds and I’d failed out of school so I didn’t have any money to pay rent or my car payments anymore, so the bank repossessed that.”
The look on Cade’s face is the one I see when I tell people what happened. Not too many people have gotten the full story, but I always see a mixture of horror and sadness looking back at me. Pity sometimes too. I hate seeing that, but I understand why someone would feel that way when they hear what happened.
Thankfully, I don’t see pity in Cade now. I don’t think I could handle that.
He remains silent, but nods his understanding. I know why he has nothing to say. I get it. I wouldn’t know what to say either if someone told me this story.
But I want him to know the whole truth because if we’re going to keep seeing one another, he deserves that from me.
“So since I was such a mess and my parents weren’t sure what I’d do if left to my own devices, they had me come here every day to keep an eye on me so I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. I wasn’t suicidal, though. I just didn’t care about myself or if I kept going. I didn’t see any reason to.”
My eyes fill with tears like they do when I think about those days. Now I can’t even imagine feeling that way. I don’t know that person I was then, and it hurts to remember how little happiness I had in those days.
“Making sweet things gave me reason to go on. I found some kind of joy in that, so my parents encouraged it. I know it probably sounds strange, like how could that help someone come back from falling apart, but it did. Every day I would come in here and go back to my little spot in the kitchen where I could hide out and play with ingredients to make things. At first, they were just for me and then my parents too, but after a while, I agreed to let them put them out for their customers.”
I wipe under my eyes so I don’t look like some deranged and sad raccoon in front of Cade. I see him smile at me, but it’s not his usual grin.
“You don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to, Hailey,” he says softly.
“Yes, I do. I want to be honest with you. My fiancé wasn’t honest with me, and it crushed me. If he had just told me the truth, I would have been heartbroken, but I wouldn’t have fallen apart like I did. Even if you walk out of this restaurant when I’m done and decide never to see me again, I think you deserve to know who you spent your time with.”
“I’m not going to do that, so you don’t have to worry.”
“Well, whatever happens, I want you to know who Hailey Canton is. I see a therapist, and she’s been terrific. I know why all that happened now and why I reacted like I did, but I also know it’s my defense mechanism to push people away. I’ve done it with you and every person I’ve met since all that happened last year. I work on that, on not doing it, but I’m not very good yet. You have no idea how much I wanted to run away last night. If you hadn’t kept talking to me when I was at your front door, I would have run, Cade.”
A slow smile lights up his beautiful face at my mention of last night, and I assume he’s going to say something about what we did. When he doesn’t, I know I haven’t made a mistake telling him all of this today.
“Well, you ran away on me that day in the parking lot here, so I had a feeling you’re a runner. I think I knew if I didn’t do something to keep you there last night, you’d never agree to see me again.”
“I’m sorry about that. I have trust issues, which sounds like some lame excuse for bad behavior, but I do.”
He has no idea how many times I’ve run away from him in my head. That first day. In the parking lot. At CK. While we walked that night. When I thought he was talking to a woman on the phone last night. When we were in his bedroom.
Every time I had to fight that familiar impulse to run away when something scared me.
But I don’t want to be that scared little version of Hailey anymore.
“It’s okay. I like a challenge,” he says sweetly.
“I’m not trying to pressure you into anything with all of this. I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty overwhelmed by this story, and I don’t blame you. Whatever you decide to do with this is okay, Cade. I just wanted to tell you because you deserve the truth.”
Whether it’s what happened to me or something else, I sense what I’ve just said bothers him. A look of sadness crosses his face for a brief moment before he makes himself smile, I suspect for me more than him.
“I’m glad you told me, but none of that changes the fact that I like you, Hailey. I also think you’re downplaying how talented you are at what you do in that kitchen, but being humble is no crime. So all that said, I’m here, so let’s get out of here and have fun.”
“How do you know I’m off?” I ask with a giggle.
“You just told me this isn’t really a job, so I figured I could steal you away from here whenever I wanted.”
“I did, didn’t I?” I admit sheepishly. “It’s actually sort of a job in that I have to tell my father I’m leaving. Give me a couple minutes to find him and get out of this apron and then I’ll be able to leave.”
Cade sits back and stretches his arms along the back of the booth. “Then I’ll wait.”
“Okay. Let me find him and clean myself up.”
As I hurry off to the kitchen, I look back to see Cade watching me. He really is a great guy, even better than I expected when I took a chance and didn’t run away in CK’s parking lot.
I’m glad I told him the truth about what happened with me. He told me the truth last night, so he deserved me being honest with him.
Bursting through the kitchen doors, I call out, “Daddy, I’m leaving for the day. Tell Mom I don’t know when I’ll be home.”