And I meant it. It didn’t. It felt wildly inadequate.
She beamed up at me. “Hey, since we’re exclusive now, we can stop using condoms if you want. But we both have to get STD testing first,” she said, looking at me sternly.
“Okay.” It wasn’t a bad idea. I always used protection, but you could never be too safe. “But what about birth control?”
She shrugged. “My tubes are tied.”
I jerked my face back. “What? Why?”
“Because I don’t ever want to accidentally get pregnant and pass down my shitty genes.”
I snorted. “Okay…”
Her smile fell a little. “Does that bother you?”
I shook my head. “No. Not really. There’s more than one way to have kids if you want them. And I’m good either way if you do or you don’t. It’s just that it’s such a permanent procedure.”
“Well, I needed a permanent solution. Took forever to find a doctor to do it. Heaven forbid a woman in her twenties knows what she wants to do with her fallopian tubes.” She nipped at my bottom lip. “I got you a Christmas present,” she whispered against my mouth.
I made a dismissive noise in the back of my throat and went to kiss her again, but she shook her head and draped her arms around my neck. “I have to give it to you now so you can think about it.”
I smiled. “Okay. Give it to me now, then.”
She bit her lip and beamed up at me. “I got us into Badger Den.”
I pulled my face back and grinned at her. “You did? When?”
“Tomorrow.”
Ahhhhhhh. Fuck.
“I know what you’re gonna say, and I already have a plan.”
I shook my head. “I can’t fly. You know that.” And Lord knows I couldn’t afford to miss any more work.
“I know you think you can’t fly. But hear me out,” she said. “I put a lot of thought into this. We have dinner at the airport tonight. We get there three hours before our flight. There’s a place I love to eat in the terminal and we can get nice and sloshed and watch the planes on the tarmac like a little dose of immersion therapy. It’s only a three-hour flight and I got us first-class tickets. We’ll be in our seats with drinks in our hands and plenty of time to get comfortable and used to the plane before it even taxis from the gate. I downloaded season five of The Office to watch while we’re in the air and I had Yoga Lady make you a lavender-and-eucalyptus essential oil roller for your anxiety. And then, when we get there, we’re staying in an amazing five-star hotel on the beach and having dinner at Badger Den. It’s the ultimate motivation to overcome your fear.”
I dragged a hand down my mouth. “And if I can’t get on the plane?”
She shrugged. “Then you can’t get on the plane. All I’m asking is that you try.”
I blew a breath out through my nose. I guess I’d have to figure this shit out eventually. My girlfriend was a travel vlogger. We’d need to fly to places. If I couldn’t fly, it meant I couldn’t come to her even when I could get away for a few days. And she was right, Badger Den was a pretty amazing reward—even if it was for three hours of what I was sure would be pure hell.
“Who’s watching Grace?” I asked grimly.
She smiled in that bubbly excited way she had. “Dad and Sonja. Sonja says it’s good for him to see that his efforts reap rewards.”
“And Harry Puppins?”
“Becky. I already texted her.”
I arched an eyebrow. “You text my assistant?”
“I text your everyone. All your people are my people now, remember?”
I snorted.
“Come on. Pleeeeease?” She wiggled.
I took another moment. “All right. Let’s try it.”
She clapped animatedly. “Okay, so I have a tip for you. A little life coaching.”
I let out a grim breath. “What?”
“Don’t think about it yet. Don’t think about it until it’s happening.”
I rubbed my forehead. “Yeah, I have a feeling that’s not going to be possible.”
“You know how when you’re running late, you’re all stressed? I don’t do that. Ever. If I’m supposed to be somewhere at two and I know I’m not getting there until two fifteen, I don’t let myself be stressed until two. Because until then, I’m not actually late yet. All I’m doing is feeling the stress of a thing that hasn’t even happened.”
“Yeah, but you know it’s coming. You know it’s going to happen.”
“That’s just looking at the sun, Adrian. Fuck what’s coming. Don’t focus on what’s going to happen. Or in this case, what might happen. Because who knows, you might get there and realize that you’ve built this whole thing up in your head. You might get on that plane and find out that you’re stronger than you think and you’re capable of anything.” She smiled at me. “And you are. I’ve never known anyone as capable as you.”
She kissed me gently. Then she leapt off the bed and went to the bathroom. I watched her go and waited for the door to click closed before I clutched a hand over my racing heart. The fact that I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and we hadn’t even left the apartment yet should have been an indication.
My day didn’t go well. I couldn’t focus at work. I kept thinking about the plane ride. It was ridiculous, and I was getting pissed off at myself.
What was the big deal? It was three hours. That’s it. I could do anything for three hours. I’d sat in a prison for a week interviewing a client who’d chopped his neighbor up with an ax. I couldn’t get on a fucking airplane?
I tried to push it from my mind like she said. She was right. Maybe if I didn’t let myself dwell on it, I could just show up and tear the Band-Aid off. I’d walk onto that plane and just do it.
Ten hours later we were in the airport parking lot. Grace had been dropped off. Our bags were in the trunk. We’d checked in online and Vanessa had rolled essential oils on my pressure points and held my hand the whole way there.
I had a panic attack before I even got out of the car.
CHAPTER 24
7 SMALL TOWNS YOU MUST VISIT IN YOUR LIFETIME (YOU’LL LOVE #1)
VANESSA
We drove down a tiny main street with an enormous MERRY CHRISTMAS garland draped over the entrance. It was Christmas Eve and we’d just arrived in Nebraska to spend the holiday with Adrian’s mom and dad.
All the businesses were decked out for the holiday with Christmas lights and wreaths. It was snowing gently and people in parkas were bustling up and down the sidewalks with bags on their arms.
“This town looks like a Hallmark movie,” I said, petting Harry Puppins in my lap. “I feel like a big-city girl who’s about to learn the spirit of Christmas from a handsome local bachelor in a chunky reindeer sweater.”
Adrian laughed. “I hope not, since I don’t own that sweater.” Then his smile fell a little. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I wish we could have flown here.”
The airport panic attack had been four days ago, and he was still apologizing for it. He didn’t have to.