And that’s how it went. They both took the kids for their own versions of Christmas. Exactly like co-parents, though it felt more like divorcees at this point.
As time went on, Jill fought to find a new normal as quickly as possible, not allowing herself time for wallowing. After all, what was there to wallow about? Objectively, she and Maxwell hadn’t had much beyond a quick and potent connection that didn’t work out. She tried to tell herself so what? Who cares? What did it matter?
But the rationalizations didn’t stick. And even though she did a great job at keeping herself away from the house on Mondays and Tuesdays, and generally leaving as soon as Maxwell returned from work on the other days of the week, there was still a rift the size of Montana between them. One that throbbed, begging for attention, though neither she nor Maxwell would indulge.
Two weeks after Christmas, Jill showed up early Wednesday morning to find Maxwell halfway out the door, shouting over his shoulder about his grandparents’ plans to come take the kids to the zoo.
That was all fine and well. Truthfully, she needed a little extra thinking time. Because even though she’d fought to forge ahead, she’d been a wreck, post-breakup. And though she’d fought to avoid doubting herself or needing guidance, she knew it was far past time that she sought outside help.
“Marie,” she said through the Bluetooth call in her car once she’d bolted from the house around lunchtime. She just needed out of Maxwell’s space, and once the triplets had safely departed with Maxwell’s grandparents for their zoo adventure, she knew she needed to get out of Dodge too. “I’m calling an emergency lunch. Where are you?”
“Oooh, this is man-related, isn’t it?” Marie asked, tutting. “I can smell it already.”
“It is. And I need you.” They arranged to meet at a bustling deli spot that they usually opted for during lunch dates. Jill white-knuckled the steering wheel while her thoughts catapulted from one thing to the next. She still couldn’t believe their break up had happened the way it did. Part of her wanted to believe that they could walk it back, make nice, and continue forward. But after Maxwell’s frosty dismissal each day, combined with his complete radio silence, she knew he was sticking to his word.
He was over it. Over her.
And only two weeks later was it really hitting her.
Tears welled up into her eyes as she maneuvered into a parking spot and turned off the engine. Drawing a deep breath, she stepped out into the bright afternoon and headed for the deli. She snagged a corner spot, and Marie joined her less than ten minutes later.
“There you are,” Marie said, sweeping Jill into a fragrant hug. The woman always had impeccable taste in designer perfumes. Today’s variety was something vanilla and honeysuckle-infused. “Let’s get us some meatball subs while you spill the details.”
The friends placed their orders at the deli counter, and when they were seated again, Jill launched into her sorry story about their break up two Sundays ago. Marie listened attentively while Jill recounted watching the game, wanting to share her past with Maxwell, all the way up to their heated fight in her car.
“I just think he’s been demonstrating some early signs of shadiness,” Jill said. “He’d been pulling away for weeks. He’s warm and wonderful with the kids, but there’s another side to him. I feel like he still thinks he can just lead his normal life, the way things were before the accident. I see him seeking refuge, which is understandable, but that’s gonna bite me in the ass later on down the road, you know? He’ll be seeking refuge with other women eventually. And I’m not gonna live through that twice.”
Marie cocked her head. “Have you told him about what you lived through with your ex?”
“I mentioned it briefly in the car that Sunday. That was it. I’ve never told him about…the details.”
“And did he start pulling away before or after you expected him to be cheating on you?”
Jill paused, running her finger along the edge of her fork. “I’ve expected him to cheat on me from the beginning.”
Marie looked sad after Jill was done speaking. Maybe even a little uncomfortable.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Marie grimaced. “Do you want to hear the truth, or do you want me to say what I think you want to hear?”
Jill released a testy sigh, already knowing she wasn’t going to like what Marie had to say. That’s what Marie was good at—and known for. But that’s why she was such an invaluable friend too. “You know I want the truth.”
“Girl, you think he’s showing early signs of shadiness because you are conditioned to expect that now. You got hurt, and bad. But you haven’t let that shit go. Maxwell wasn’t wrong with what he told you in the car—he’s not your ex. But if you’re setting up this relationship with the expectation that he will be the same man, then it’s already doomed. And it’s not Maxwell’s fault.”
“But what if I’m seeing red flags?”
“What if they’re imagined red flags because everything he’s told you so far has checked out?” Marie shot back. “If you expect the man to be shady, you’re going to see shadiness. He might have been pulling away because of what he’s reading off you. Just a thought.”
Jill crossed her arms, staring at her friend for a long time without saying anything. Marie covered her eyes. “Do you still love me?”
“Yes, I love you.” Jill narrowed her eyes. “But I don’t like you right now. Mostly because I think you’re right.”
Marie let out a relieved burst of air. “Well, thank God.”
Their number was called at the counter, and Marie offered to go bring their food over. Jill mulled over her friend’s words while she waited, drumming her fingernails against the tabletop.
Marie was right. But Jill wasn’t entirely sure how to move forward with this knowledge. Her ex had wrought plenty of damage, and it was unfair to expect Maxwell to do the same things in the same way. Not all distraction led to cheating. But how could she differentiate between a red flag and just a normal off day? It was hard not to project her own fears onto Maxwell at every turn—especially when he was in such a powerful position, a coveted athlete, surrounded by willing, wanting women who would gladly lure him away from whatever home life he had.
But still. That didn’t mean he would disrespect her the same way her ex had. And not sharing her fears or history with him hadn’t done her any favors. Keeping it inside until it imploded—that only shot them both in the foot.
And she’d shown up to the relationship with a loaded gun pointed at the floor.
“Now that we’re taking stock of important issues and moving forward with life,” Marie went on happily once they’d made it through the majority of their lunches, “what’s the scoop with Wayne’s house? Any progress there?”
“Not much,” Jill admitted. “There’s been no time. I went over once and started going though things in the living room. But I need help. And it’s so emotional. I found a bunch of old pictures the last time I was there and…well…” She shook her head. “It’s just hard to be reminded of how long I lived in misery.”