“Can Hank come with us?” she asked as I cut up her pancakes.
Was she old enough to cut up her own pancakes? Sure. But I planned on milking all the time I had left to take care of her for all it was worth.
“I think he might be working today.”
Or he was avoiding me. I hadn’t seen him since the Notebook kiss. Of course, he could just be working like he’d said he would be. I hadn’t seen his truck out in front of his house for the past few days.
Working? Avoiding? I wasn’t sure.
What I was sure about was that kiss. It was an anomaly. I’d only known Hank a short time but when we’d been lip to lip it had been the most intimate encounter of my life. My entire body responded to him as if he were my sexual soulmate, yet we’d never done the deed.
And then there was the kiss itself. It was equal parts explosive and gentle. Somehow it simultaneously was five-alarm fire hot, yet smolderingly seductive.
I’d dreamt about it every night. Who was I kidding? I dreamt about it every day, too.
Trying to shake off all memories of the kiss that was seared into my being, I turned my attention back to the birthday girl. This day was about her.
“So, what’s it gonna be Lu Lu? Aquarium? Beach? Whales? Ferris wheel?”
“Umm…” I could see that she wasn’t thrilled over any of the selections. But it was the best I could do.
A knock came at the door and her eyes widened. “It’s Mr. Hank.”
“Maybe, let’s go see.”
I understood why she’d jumped to that conclusion. He was the only visitor we’d had. But Ashley had texted asking for our address the day before so she could send Luna a surprise present. Still, I couldn’t help but hope my daughter’s first instinct was right.
She was squealing as she jumped up and ran to the front door. Although I didn’t show my enthusiasm outwardly, inside I was squealing and jumping as I made my way to the door at the thought Hank might be here.
When the doorbell rang, it was my first clue that Hank wasn’t the person standing on the other side. In all the times he’d come over, he’d never rang the bell.
I pasted a smile on my face as disappointment flooded me. I just hoped that Luna wouldn’t be too disappointed that her favorite person wasn’t behind door number one waiting for her.
But when I opened it, I saw that I had nothing to worry about. Ashley had sent Luna a present, herself. My sister was on the porch carrying an oversized teddy bear, a bouquet of balloons, a sash that said Birthday Girl and a crown.
“I heard there’s a birthday girl here!” Ashley shouted.
“Lee Lee!” Luna jumped into Ashley’s arms and the next thing I knew it was like the floodgates opened.
Tears started rushing down my face. I quickly wiped them away as Luna hugged the bear and my sister pulled me into a hug.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her arms enveloping me tightly.
I nodded against her shoulder. “It’s just so good to see you.” I hugged her tighter. “Really good.”
It wasn’t until that moment that all of the events of the past few weeks, months, years caught up with me. My fail-safe switch was officially broken. This was it, the breakdown I’d known was coming.
“Lee Lee we have chocolate chip pancakes!” Luna, who was thankfully unaware of my current emotional state, tugged at my sister and pulled her inside.
Ash was still staring at me, her eyes filled with concern as she set her things down and followed Luna to the table.
“I’m gonna…” I motioned toward the back of the house and escaped down the hallway to the bathroom.
When I got inside and shut the door, I took a deep breath and tried to turn off the valve of emotion that was flowing from my tear ducts. I ran the water and splashed it on my face. As I dried my face with a towel, I told myself to pull it together. This was not the day to finally let it all out.
Tonight, was a different story. After Luna was sound asleep in her bed, I’d open a bottle of wine, sit down with my sister and give myself permission to lose it. I just needed to get through today first. I could do it.
Drawing emotional inspiration from Emma Thompson’s character’s scene in Love Actually when she finds out that her husband has been cheating on her but has to pull it together to go to her children’s Christmas play, I did the equivalent of her straightening the comforter and fixing her sweater by washing my face.
It took me a few splashes of water before I dried my face and it didn’t immediately get damp again with tears. When I was finally able to get myself under control, I retouched my makeup to disguise the blubbering mess I’d dissolved into, took a deep, fortifying breath, and walked out with a smile on my face.
“I want to show Lee Lee the Ferris wheel!” Luna declared as I stepped into the kitchen.
The Ferris wheel. Of course. The one option that terrified me.
Oh well, I could just add it to the other trauma I intended to purge tonight during my scheduled breakdown. There was going to be wine, and tears, and more wine.
But first, there was going to be a Ferris wheel.
CHAPTER 24
Hank
I’d never understood why people deleted their Google history. You watch porn. So what? But as I typed into the search bar, I knew that I’d be erasing all the activity on my computer for the last few days.
Best games for baby showers.
I clicked on the list and jotted down the few that I thought sounded fun to add it to my notes.
I’d watched YouTube videos. I’d read blog posts. I’d gone down a baby shower rabbit hole courtesy of mommy and family bloggers, something I’d never even known existed before three days ago. There was an entire industry of people who had monetized their families. At first, I’d wondered who in the hell would watch someone else’s family, especially since they all seemed to be happy and fun all the time. Their families were nothing like mine had been growing up. But then, I realized that was the appeal. It was sort of soothing watching something you didn’t have but always wanted.
When there was a knock on the door, I shut my laptop. It was go time.
The door wasn’t even completely open and my baby brother was already bitching about something, which wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was that his complaints had nothing to do with food.
“You broke my dog.” His accusation was made as Sherlock ran through the front door, followed closely by Jimmy and Isabella.
I watched as the hound dog bounded in, made a lap around the kitchen and then did a figure eight between my feet and plopped his ass down on the ground, looking up at me with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. “He looks fine to me.”
“He’s been a little depressed,” Isabella remarked as she subtly cringed and glanced over at Jimmy.
“See!” Jimmy pointed to his fiancée and then back at me with an accusatory tone. “You broke my dog!”
Sherlock stood and walked to the back door. He cried and pawed at the screen.
“He wants to go see Luna.” It was what he’d done every night he’d been here when we got home from work before we’d head over for dinner.
Isabella tilted her head to the side. “Aww, he misses her.”
“Who misses who?” Cheyenne asked as she walked in with Reagan and Billy.