I sat on a bench I’d donated to the cemetery with a plaque in her honor that was beside her final resting place. I put my elbows on my knees, leaned forward, and ran my hands through my hair. I was nervous, which I knew was absolutely ridiculous. It’s not like she could actually hear me. I believed in ghosts about as much as I believed in curses. And even if I did believe in spirits still being on earth, I doubted they’d be hanging out in cemeteries. I knew my mom sure as hell wouldn’t. She’d be traveling the world like she always talked about.
No, this bout of anxiety was because I was going to say something I’d never said before to my mama, or to her gravesite, that is.
“Hey Mama, so you know Skylar, the woman I’ve been tellin’ you about? I’m in love with her.” I smiled. It was the second time I’d said those words out loud today and each time it felt even more right. “You remember Melody, I never said that I loved her. I told you about her. Said that she was my girlfriend and talked about us, but I never said the word love. Maybe that was because I can’t lie to you, even if I can lie to myself. I thought, at the time, that I loved her but maybe she’d just been there when you weren’t.”
We’d got together a month after my mom died and stayed together until she broke up with me on the beach. Looking back, I had a feeling my bond to her had more to do with everything else going on in my life and less to do with her.
“But Skylar…she’s different. I’ve never met anyone like her. She just…when she walks into a room, she brightens the place up. The atmosphere changes. It’s like she has this light inside of her and people are drawn to her warmth. She’s sweet. And caring. And everything that is good in this world. And it’s not just her. She’s a package deal.
“I wish you could meet Luna. She’s too smart for her own good. And I don’t know how she did it, but she’s had me wrapped around her little finger from the second she showed up on my porch selling her treasures. I threw a baby shower for her yesterday. Not for Skylar, she’s not pregnant,” I clarified, and when I did a picture popped into my mind, clear as day, of her sitting in a rocking chair, cradling a newborn baby.
Even when Melody told me she was pregnant, I’d never had flashes of what she’d look like, how her belly would swell, or her skin would glow. I didn’t imagine her holding, caring for our baby.
Shaking my head, I refocused on why I was there and continued to fill my mama in. “The baby shower was for Luna. It was her fifth birthday and she wanted a baby shower-themed party.” I smiled remembering her face when she’d gotten out of the car and seen the party all set up. “She had fun. Billy, Jimmy, and Cheyenne were there. And Billy and Jimmy’s ladies were too. The boys did good. They picked the right people. You don’t have to worry about them. As far as Cheyenne, well, I think her and Cash have something going on, but since Cash values his balls I’m not sure if they’ll ever admit to it.”
Billy had always been more protective of Cheyenne than I had. And since our sister had been back I’d witnessed him seething whenever Cash and Cheyenne were five feet from each other. I didn’t know why. Cash and Billy had been thick as thieves since they were in the womb. Mama and Cash’s mom had been best friends and had been pregnant at the same time. Billy and Cash were born two days apart and were basically twins.
But for whatever reason, Billy didn’t want Cash anywhere near our sister. It was fun to watch from the sidelines, seein’ Billy gettin’ himself all worked up, but I felt bad for Cheyenne. She was tryin’ so hard to be a part of the family again, and she and Billy were the closest. I knew that she didn’t want to do anything to upset him, but I could see that she was a smitten kitten. Every time Cash was in the room, she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him.
“I wish you were here to talk some sense into Billy. And I wish you could see Cheyenne. She looks just like you. And sounds just like you, too. Even her laugh.”
I hadn’t talked to Mama about Cheyenne much, except to tell her that she was back. I wasn’t sure why…I’d been mad when she left, but that made no sense because…
Then, like a bolt of lightning the reason I hadn’t talked about her and why I’d been so mad for so many years over her being gone struck me. I wasn’t mad at my sister for leaving. She was just a kid. I was mad at myself. I hadn’t protected her. In the note, my mama had asked me to take care of my brothers and sister and I failed.
“I’m sorry, Mama. I’m sorry that I didn’t do what you asked. I shouldn’t have let them take her.” Even as I said it, I knew that no matter what I’d done I couldn’t have stopped it.
I was thirteen. At the time, I’d felt like a man. And I could see why I had. I’d had the responsibilities of an adult. But I was just a kid. Which was probably why my answer for everything I didn’t like was to fight. It had been my way of coping.
But that wouldn’t have worked with my grandparents. They had money and the law on their side. I probably would’ve ended up in jail if I’d been at the house when they’d shown up. Because I wouldn’t have let them take her, that’s for damn sure.
My epiphany was not something I wanted to dwell on. It was in the past and I was doing my best to focus on the future.
“Billy’s wedding is in a couple of weeks. It’s gonna be at his place. Jimmy’s not happy about havin’ to wear a tux. Hell, I’m pretty sure he’ll be barefoot when he ties the knot, which I expect is gonna happen real soon. If Billy hadn’t beat him to it, I think he would’ve already made it legal with Isabella.”
More pictures began to populate in my head. Skylar was walking toward me wearing a white dress, and a veil. I saw me lifting the veil and leaning down to kiss her. I saw Luna beside us wearing a pretty sparkle pink dress.
The thing was, these didn’t register in my brain like fantasies. They were more like memories. Just like when I’d seen her behind the bar, that was how real the images were.
Clearing my throat, I pushed those ideas out of my head. I knew I was gettin’ ahead of myself, admitting I loved Skylar, babies, and marriage was straitjacket time. I would be crazy to be thinkin’ about that stuff.
So why did it feel completely sane, like the most natural next step?
I took a deep breath and rubbed my hands on my jeans. There was one more thing that I needed to talk to my mama about. Something that I had no idea what to do.
“There’s a man who wants to talk to me about you, about your accident. Do you remember Jerry Samson? He worked over at the auto shop. Isabella’s dad, remember I told you about him, Miles Santini, he hired a private investigator out in California, and he found Jerry in Alaska. He says that he has information about the accident.
“No one knows about the note. I’ve never told anyone about it.” I’d never even brought it up to my mama before when I visited her grave. “If I talk to him, I’m scared that he’s going to have evidence. Evidence that will prove it wasn’t an accident. I just don’t want you to be remembered like that. I don’t want Billy and Jimmy and Cheyenne to know that you left them.” Like I do.
I didn’t want them to carry around the burden I’d been carrying.