‘Possibly,’ Sarah agreed, with some effort. Might she be reading too much into this? It was possible her protective gene had gone into overdrive because she felt very much a single parent right now, therefore needing to try twice as hard. Might she be losing her perspective because she felt threatened by Laura’s involvement in Ollie’s life? She had an awful feeling she might be.
‘Actually, now you’ve called …’ Laura paused, causing a fresh prickle of apprehension to run the length of Sarah’s spine. ‘It doesn’t matter if you have other plans,’ she went on, ‘but we were wondering …’
What? Spit it out, for goodness’ sake. Aware of her growing agitation, Sarah now felt guilty about that too.
‘Do you mind if we have Ollie this weekend rather than next?’ Laura finally asked. ‘It’s just that Steve has a job on next Saturday, and … Well, to be honest, I’d rather he was here while everything is still so new to Ollie.’
So would Sarah. She didn’t like the idea of Ollie completely on his own with Laura, and had no idea why she felt that way either, other than the nagging feeling that something just wasn’t right.
‘I suppose,’ she said with a sigh. She would be at work, therefore she could hardly claim she had other arrangements. She could be awkward, she supposed, say that she preferred Ollie to have a regular routine, but that would just be unreasonable. ‘As long as it’s not a regular occurrence,’ she added, feeling the need to at least set a precedent for future visits.
‘Brilliant,’ Laura said, sounding pleased. ‘We thought we might take him to the zoo – if that’s all right with you?’
Sarah’s heart sank. Her little boy’s first trip to the zoo and it would be without her. ‘Yes, fine,’ she agreed reluctantly.
‘You’re sure?’ Laura clearly picked up on her tone.
‘Positive, as long as it’s just this once.’ A deep loneliness was opening up inside her already at the thought of another whole weekend with Ollie not there. Splitting up with Joe, which it looked like she had, would exacerbate that loneliness. Why had she shot that text off in a fit of pique? She’d said she felt she couldn’t talk to Joe, but she had talked to him. In response to which he’d offered his opinion, and she’d as good as dumped him for it. He wouldn’t want a future with her on that basis.
‘Fab. See you then. I’ll get a lovely packed lunch organised for us to take. I thought star sandwiches with cream cheese and pesto – I have this star-shape cutter, Ollie loved it when I made his toast star-shaped,’ Laura informed her enthusiastically, extolling her own culinary skills. ‘I thought I’d do a BLT pasta salad to go with them, and maybe choco-dipped tangerines for afters. What do you think?’
That you have stars on the brain. ‘Lovely,’ Sarah said wanly. What she actually thought, with a jerk, was that she was jealous, because Laura seemed to be having all the fun with Ollie, organising lovely things for him to do, while she got stuck with the mundane, everyday tasks. She was so tired in the evenings and at weekends that she hadn’t been doing very much with him other than trips to the park, playing at home and reading. With Laura and Steve he was having lots of excitement and the attention of two parents, whereas with her he was probably growing bored, and possibly lonely too – hence the invention of his invisible friend. ‘I’d better get to work,’ she said, her throat tightening. ‘See you Saturday.’
Ending the call, she checked her messages, harbouring a tiny sliver of hope that Joe might have contacted her. He hadn’t. Why would he? She’d blown it, blown everything out of proportion. Swallowing back the bitter taste of regret, she plopped her phone on the passenger seat, started the engine and headed for work, where she doubted she would find comfort even in her furry companions today.
She’d barely pulled away when the phone rang.
Joe. Seeing his name pop up on her hands-free, her heart leapt. It was as if he’d been reading her mind. He was possibly calling to tell her he hadn’t thought there was much of a future for them anyway, but she had to talk to him, apologise. With some trepidation, she accepted the call. ‘Joe, I—’
‘Look, Sarah, I’m sorry,’ he said before she could say any more. ‘Can we talk?’
‘Yes.’ She felt a surge of relief run through her. ‘Yes please. Give me a second, I’ll just pull over.’ Seeing a garage up ahead, she swung into it and found a space in one of the shopping bays.
‘Safely parked?’ Joe asked, because he did care about her. She knew he did.
‘Safely parked,’ she assured him, praying he wasn’t about to agree that they call it a day, because she cared about him too, deeply, and she hadn’t really communicated how much.
‘You were right,’ he continued with an audible intake of breath. ‘There can’t be any future for us if you feel you can’t talk about your worries. Ollie is your number one priority, as he should be. I understand that, Sarah. Really I do. I just …’ He faltered.
‘Thought I was jealous?’ she finished as he searched for the right thing to say.
‘Yes,’ he admitted after a second. ‘Though I accept that that might have something to do with my own insecurities.’
He was talking about his former wife. A woman he’d loved who’d still been in love with her ex. That must have been so painful for him. Sarah braced herself. She had to be honest; there was no future without that either. ‘I think you were right,’ she confessed. ‘I am jealous of Laura. But because of her involvement in Ollie’s life, not Steve’s.’
Joe paused. ‘I get that too,’ he said softly. ‘I’m not completely insensitive … even if I did act like an insensitive prat.’
‘You didn’t.’ Sarah jumped to his defence, though she had thought he was being insensitive.
‘I think I probably did, and I apologise,’ Joe said with another intake of breath. ‘The thing is … You know my parents split when I was a kid, right?’
Of course they had. She hadn’t really thought about that.
‘You know what that’s like. You’ve been there. Stuff happens, you get over it. The worst part for me, though, wasn’t them separating,’ he went on, ‘it was the acrimony afterwards. The arguing didn’t stop, it bloody well escalated. I don’t want Ollie caught up in the middle of that scenario, Sarah. I care about him too.’
Recalling how his parents had never really been there for him – for his sister either, who’d eventually lost her way and taken her own life, which had almost crucified him – Sarah swallowed hard. ‘I know you do,’ she said emotionally. He was too natural with him for it ever to be considered forced.
‘So can we work on it, do you think? Our future?’ he asked hopefully.
‘Yes.’ She smiled, and the gloom she’d felt descending on her at the thought of rattling around the empty house on her own lifted. She felt comfortable with Joe, as if she didn’t have to make massive efforts to be anything but who she was, and a huge part of her identity was being Ollie’s mum. Joe was hands-on with him. She’d seen how much he cared about him. He’d accepted without question that they came as a package, that more often than not when they went out together it would be the three of them. Thinking she might have lost him, she’d realised she didn’t want a future without him.