Addison leaned back in her chair. “Okay, spill your guts.”
“I’ve had a crush on Gideon since I was, like, sixteen,” Grace said. “It felt really weird at first because he always treated me like a bratty little sister and I never… I mean, I hadn’t felt that way about him ever. But then I started… I don’t know, just noticing him.”
“I get it,” Addie said.
“He didn’t feel the same way. At all. He was living in New Cassel by then and only occasionally coming home on the weekends. I didn’t, like, think about him all the time or anything, but whenever he came home, it was there. This stupid crush just looming over me. It was embarrassing. Over the years, each time he came back to visit, the crush got a little stronger, took a little longer to disappear after he left. Then their parents died, and the night of their funeral I was at their house. Kira was really upset, and she’d gone to bed early. Gideon… Gideon is so strong, you know?”
“I know,” Addie said.
“He hadn’t cried at all, he was so focused on Kira and making sure she was okay. But that night after she’d gone to bed, he looked so lost and alone, Addie. My heart broke for him. He kind of lost it a little, started to cry, and I swear I only meant to comfort him. That’s all I wanted to do, I swear. I just wanted to help him.”
“Of course, honey,” Addison said. “It was good that you were there for him.”
“Only, it turned into something more. He looked at me, I mean really looked at me for the first time in what felt like years, and then we … we started kissing.”
She stared into her water glass, the memory of that night blanketing her all over again. “It was one of the best moments of my life. How’s that for awful? My best friend’s parents were dead, two people who I loved and who treated me like their own kid, and I look back on the day we buried them as being one of the best moments of my life because I kissed Gideon. I’m a monster.”
“Stop it, honey,” Addison said. “You’re not a monster. It’s just a case of… bad timing.”
“Yeah,” Grace said. “Anyway, he cut it off pretty quick, but I knew that he wanted me. I knew that he wanted something more. I could see it in his face, but when I brought it up, he shut me down so fast. He said Kira would lose it if we were together. He said it was a mistake and that he wasn’t attracted to me and he was sorry for kissing me.”
“What happened then?” Addison said.
“I called him a liar and a coward, and then I left.” Grace drained her water glass. “Things have been different between us since. When Kira wasn’t doing well and Gideon moved back home, I was…” she laughed bitterly, “I don’t know what I was… thrilled, scared to death, confused. But it’s been awful. For the last three years, it’s one of two extremes. He either acts like I’m a stranger he barely knows, or he tries to control my life and tell me what to do like he does with Kira and then we get into a fight. Most of the time though, he just avoids me. He won’t look at me, he won’t touch me, he barely says my name anymore. It’s like I’m a ghost to him.”
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” Addison said.
“I haven’t slept with a guy since the night I kissed Gideon,” Grace said. “I haven’t even kissed a guy. I don’t want to. I think Lucas is into me and I don’t feel anything for him. It’s like my brain has decided that if I don’t get to have Gideon, it doesn’t want any man. I’m gonna die a spinster surrounded by guinea pigs.”
“Guinea pigs?” Addison said.
“I’m allergic to cats, remember?”
Addison smiled at her. “I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to die a lonely guinea pig spinster.”
“You don’t know that,” Grace said.
“True, but it looks like maybe Gideon is starting to realize he can’t keep denying his attraction to you. If I hadn’t interrupted you in the hallway, he would have kissed you, Gracie. God, I’m the worst.” Addison scowled at her plate of food.
“It’s fine. I really think it was just a moment of weakness for Gideon and the next time I see him, he’ll be back to his usual – you’re a ghost to me – self. And even if by some miracle, he isn’t, it doesn’t matter. We can’t date.”
“Why not?” Addison said.
“Because he’s right. Kira would be upset and grossed out. She looks at Gideon and me and sees brother and sister.”
“So she’s forced to change how she looks at the two of you. It’s good for people to grow and change,” Addison said.
“And if she couldn’t? Then what?” Grace said. “I can’t lose her. Don’t take what I say next the wrong way because I know you love me, but, like, you and Harper have always had your own thing going on, yeah? Like Kira and I do.”
“Yes,” Addison said.
“I feel like Kira knows me so well and she’s the only one who truly loves and values me and I – I can’t lose that. It would kill me to lose her friendship, Addie. As much as I love Gideon, I can’t lose Kira. If we start dating and Kira is upset…”
“But what if she wasn’t? What if she was happy for you?”
“What if she hated us?” Grace said.
“I don’t think she would,” Addison said. “I know you know Kira better than me, but still… she loves you and Gideon very much. She wants both of you to be happy.”
Grace took a deep breath. “There’s still the issue of Gideon trying to control my life. I’ve taken care of myself since I was a little kid, and I can’t stand the thought of someone else trying to control me. I don’t need that – I can take care of myself.”
“Okay, but hear me out for a minute… you’ve always taken care of yourself because your parents were neglectful shits who -”
“They weren’t neglectful, just absent,” Grace said.
Lines appeared between Addison’s brows. “They were only a step above neglectful, honey. Making sure you were fed and clothed and went to school every day wasn’t nearly enough. How many basketball games of yours did they miss? How many times did they leave you alone at home so they could go on a stupid mini vacation with just the two of them? They never threw you a single birthday party your entire childhood. If it hadn’t been for Kira’s parents, you wouldn’t have any idea what a parent’s love is like. Your parents didn’t show you the love and the affection and the attention you deserve, and I can’t tell you how much I hate them.”
“They’re just self-absorbed,” Grace said.
“They’re awful and I hate them,” Addison said. “But my point is, you had to take care of yourself and now, as an adult, you take care of everyone around you. Kira goes through a major depression, you drop everything and move in with her for weeks to take care of her. I break my ankle ice skating, you come over every single night and do about a billion little things for me because Harrison is busy at work. Harper needs someone to drive the moving truck to New York, you volunteer.”
She grabbed Grace’s hands and squeezed them tight. “You take care of us, honey. You always have. Maybe it’s time to let someone take care of you. Maybe what you see as trying to control you, is Gideon’s way of taking care of you.”