“There’s enough for all of us.” Connor was standing at the counter and Kira joined him wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. “Why don’t you and Grace have dinner with us?”
“Um… I should probably get home and let Tank out.”
“I stopped after work and let him out and fed him before coming over here,” Grace said.
“Perfect,” Kira said. “You can both stay for dinner.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Gideon said. “Maybe -”
“It’s what I want,” Kira said. “In fact, what I really want is to try and not be sad. I want us to eat dinner and drink wine and talk about all the good memories about Mom and Dad. I know I usually wallow in self-pity every year on this day, but this year…” she smiled at Connor and kissed his cheek, “I want it to be different. I want to celebrate their memory and their lives and our love for them. Okay?”
Connor kissed her forehead. “I think it’s a wonderful idea.”
“Me too,” Grace said. She studied Gideon, her heart aching at the confusion on his face. He looked like a lost little boy and every fibre of her being wanted to go to him and wrap her arms around him. Instead she clenched her hands into fists beneath the table and blinked back the hot tears.
“Sure, Kira. Whatever you want,” Gideon said.
* * *
“Gideon, do you want to talk?”
Grace joined Gideon at the back door. He whistled for Tank who bounded in from the back yard. The dog smacked his head against Grace’s hip in greeting before continuing to the kitchen. She heard him drinking noisily from his water dish as Gideon closed the door and locked it.
“Gideon?” She touched his back. “Why don’t I pour us a couple of drinks and -”
“Actually, I’m pretty tired. I’m gonna go to bed. I need some space tonight, so I’ll sleep in the spare room. Good night, Grace.” He pushed past her and walked up the stairs.
“Oh, fuck that bullshit,” Grace said.
She chased after him, catching up to him at the top of the stairs. “Gideon, don’t push me away. Talk to me.”
“I’m not pushing you away.” His tone was exasperated, his movements angry, as he stalked into his bedroom and grabbed his sleep pants. “I’m just tired and it’s been a long day. I need some sleep and -”
“No, you need to talk about how upsetting it was to you that Kira didn’t need you today.”
His body went rigid, his hand clenching around his sleep pants in a tight fist. “I don’t – I’m not upset about that.”
“You are,” she said. “I can see it on your face, honey. It’s natural, okay? You’ve been taking care of Kira for the last three years, and this day in particular she’s always needed your support. But this year it’s different because of Connor and -”
“I’m glad she has Connor,” he snapped. “Jesus, Grace, you think I want her to be alone?”
“That’s not what I said.” She kept her voice patient and low. “But you’ve used Kira’s grief and her need for you to be strong, to keep your own grief from overwhelming you. And now it’s obvious that she doesn’t need you as much and -”
“Stop it,” he said. “I don’t need you analyzing me or my feelings.”
“I’m not,” she said. “I don’t have to be a damn therapist to see that you’re hurting, Gideon. That because you’re not the person who Kira leans on most for emotional support now, you feel lost and uncertain.”
He threw his sleep pants on the bed and glared at her. “So, what if I am? Huh? What if now that Kira has made it obvious that she doesn’t need me to deal with our parents’ deaths, all I can do is sit and think about how they’re dead? About how much I miss my dad?”
“It’s okay to be sad, honey,” Grace said. “You don’t have to always put on a brave face. Especially with me, all right? I want to know how you really feel. I want you to trust me with your grief and your pain. Have you cried since the funeral? Have you even processed the loss?”
“Of course I have! It’s been three years. Obviously, I’ve processed it. Look, I’m tired and it’s been an awful day and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Okay?”
She wanted to say okay, wanted to give him permission to tuck away his sorrow and his pain. But she couldn’t. His grief was ripping him apart, and she loved him too much to let it destroy him.
“I know this hurts, honey. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you need to. It’s important. If you don’t want to talk to me about it, I understand, but then make an appointment with a therapist.”
“What’s the point? They’re dead and I’ll never see them again. I’ll never see my dad again, Gracie. I’ll never hear his laugh as I walk through the door, never hear his stupid goddamn jokes, never watch a baseball game with him. He’s gone. He’s gone and it doesn’t matter how much I talk about them or share stories, or how much I miss them, they’re never coming back. There’s no point in talking to a therapist.”
“There is. Your grief is eating you up inside, Gideon.”
“It isn’t. I’m fine!” he said.
She walked toward him, cupping his face in both of her hands before he could walk away from her. She stared up at him, her throat aching and her chest tight with love and grief for him. “You’re not fine.”
The pain and loss was etched deep into his face. She rubbed her thumbs along his cheekbones and said, “You’re not fine, honey.”
A low keen escaped his throat and he started to cry. She put her arms around his broad shoulders and cupped the back of his head as he buried his face into her throat and clung to her. As his big body shook with the sobs, she rocked him back and forth and rubbed his back, her own tears sliding silently down her face.
* * *
“I’m sorry.” Gideon’s voice was muffled against her throat.
She kissed the top of his head and continued to rub his back. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”
At some point, they had shuffled their way to the bed. Gideon had curled into her, his hot tears wetting her skin as his body continued to shake. She’d comforted him silently, rubbing his back and not complaining when he held her so tight, she thought her ribs might crack.
Tank had padded into the bedroom, jumping up behind her and lying down with his head resting on her hip. He’d nudged at Gideon’s hand and she’d petted the big dog with her free hand until he settled.
Gideon eased away from her and she sat up and grabbed the box of tissues from the nightstand and handed it to him. “I’ll be right back, all right?”
He nodded and she left the bedroom. She knew he was embarrassed, knew he needed a few minutes alone, so she took her time in using the guest bathroom and grabbing them both glasses of water from downstairs.
When she returned to his room, he’d obviously washed his face and brushed his teeth before undressing and climbing into bed. She sat on the side of the bed and handed him the glass of water. He drank it all and set the empty glass on the nightstand. “Thank you.”