She made a sound of disgust. “At least be honest. You never even looked at another girl.”
“I never looked at another guy.”
She shrugged.
“If you think you’re confused, imagine finding out at nearly forty that you’re demisexual and bi.”
“You’re bisexual?” She followed me into the kitchen.
“Of course, Serena. Do you think I faked the things I did with you?”
“We were pretty young.” She dropped her purse on the counter.
“I know how I felt. I loved you. I was in love with you. Everything we had together was real, even when it didn’t work anymore.”
She swallowed. “Now what? You’re in love with that—that boy?”
“I have a strong emotional connection with Sebastian, who is twenty-five. I don’t know if I’m in love yet. I don’t know if our feelings will grow into anything like what you and I had.”
She nodded slowly. “What did you think that was, at the time?”
“My one true love,” I admitted. “I’m as shocked as anyone to find out I can feel something for somebody new. I didn’t think it could happen.”
She lowered her head. “I didn’t know that.”
“I truly believed I was broken beyond…I don’t know, beyond repair. Past my warranty or something.”
“If you’re happy, it’s a good thing,” she said. “I never wanted you to be alone.”
“I know.”
Brusquely, she wiped her eyes. “So, what now?”
“Come sit.” I pulled a chair our and she sat. “I owe you an apology. Lots of them.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Go on.”
“Things got strained between us because I refused to listen to you.” I poured water and into the coffee maker. Added a filter and coffee. “I refused to get help for my problems and locked myself away in my head. I left long before I walked out. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“You were grieving.”
“And I took my pain out on you and the kids.”
“No. You took your pain out on yourself, and forced us to watch as you disintegrated, which I think was probably harder.”
“I’m sorry.” I sat across from her. “I wish I could go back and fix that, but to my mind what’s worse was letting it go this long without making things right. I should have kept in touch. I should have been there for our kids. They meant the world to me, and it’s as if we’re strangers now. I will regret that forever. I want to be the kind of dad I should have been all along.”
She shook her head. “You think it’s that easy?”
“No. I think it’s that necessary. I want them to learn to trust me again. I don’t expect it to happen overnight, but I need to try, for all our sakes.”
“I can’t say I’m happy about it.” Her lips twisted.
“You don’t have to be happy.” I waited, barely breathing, for her answer. “You just have to be willing to let me try.”
She shook her head and looked away. “It feels like you’re barging back into my life because you’ve got a thing going with someone new. I'll say it again: The kids aren’t props for you to playact happy family.”
“I hear you.” I thought about what she said. “I think it’s more that I can’t start anything new without trying to fix the things I broke in the past. I can't be happy with anyone else until I do right by our children and you.”
“What do you mean, do right by me? I’ve remarried.” She lifted a stubborn chin. “We don’t have a time machine. How do you do right by me?”
“By being honest about what happened. I support the kids financially, but I want to support all of you emotionally as well. I want to be your friend again. I want to be a better person. I don’t know if I can, but I won’t stop trying if you’ll let me.”
“That…” A wry smile quirked on her lips. “Is a tall damn order.”
“You deserve the best, Serena. I brought my best for a long time, but I failed you for a long time too.”
“So, you want to apologize to the kids?”
I nodded. “And be your friend if you’ll have me.”
She sat back. “Wow.”
“I know, right? If you want revenge, you’ll never get a better shot at it than now.”
She gave a little laugh. “You still get on my last nerve.”
“That’s the worse part of for better or worse.”
“All right. We can try it.” She narrowed her eyes. “But if you do anything to hurt my kids after regaining their trust, I will kill you.”
She wasn’t just talking about the kids. I’d hurt her badly too. If I won her trust, or the children’s, I wouldn’t dare take it for granted.
“I hope you actually mean that.” If I betrayed their trust again, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself anyway.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Bast
Stone, Serena, and the kids left early for Ariel and Tag’s house to prepare for the ceremony. Molly had to help me dress. She combed my hair and put it in a ponytail, although parts of it didn’t reach and hung around my face.
“God damn you, Sebastian.” Molly complained as she helped me into a Broncos hoodie that was soft and warm but had no zipper, so it felt like a straitjacket. My right arm went through the sleeve okay. “You fell off a cliff, and you still look gorgeous.”
“Sorry.” I handed her a makeup kit. “I want to go full Sebastian Keye with my face, since I can't dress like myself for the occasion. Can you help me with eyebrows and liner?”
“Poor baby. You tried out Brawny commercial Sebastian and got stuck with him.” She took the bag. “You’re going to need sunscreen too.”
“It’s in there.
She pursed her lips before asking, “What did you think of Serena?”
“She’s pretty.” I gave the shallow answer because I’d resisted any in-depth exploration into what felt like none of my business.
“She seems willing to engage in a dialogue with Stone.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“Of course.” She started with sunscreen and liberally coated my face. “He told me his kids think he’s a monster. They didn’t seem scared to me.”
“He’s afraid that’s how they see him. I doubt they actually believe he’s a bad man.”
“I hope not.”
I tilted my head back so she could fan my face to dry the matte sunblock. “Do you think he’ll be able to start over with them?”
She shrugged. “Parents have made worse mistakes and mended relationships. It will take Stone some time to regain their trust.”
“It destroys him that he’d failed at being the kind of father he wanted to be.”
“Close your eyes.” She used a pencil to lightly line each of my lids. “You want to borrow some hoops?”
“Please.” I had traveled light. Though I had a watch, t-shirts, jeans, and sweats, I’d left all my jewelry and anything truly fashionable at home, knowing I wouldn't need them here. It felt nice to wear Molly’s good earrings. Nice to feel a bit more like myself than the lumberjack I’d been playing for a few days.