Fighting the urge to vomit, I stumbled from the bathroom and into Gil’s room where he still slept like the dead. Holding my breath, I fell to my knees by his filthy boots.
The boots he’d kicked off as if he couldn’t stand having them touch him any longer.
The clothing he’d shed like someone would shed a nightmare.
My fingers burned as I hefted the heavy weight of his tan, paint-splattered Timberlands, and turned them upside down.
Please be any other size.
Please!
Size eleven.
Covered in mud.
Smeared in truth.
I bit my lip until I drew blood, scrambling to my feet as fast as I could.
No.
Spinning to face a sleeping Gil, I swallowed back rage and fear.
No.
He’d done so many things.
I’d given him so many excuses.
He was so much more than just this.
No.
My eyes fell on his boots again.
There could be another explanation.
He could’ve gone for a walk after his police interview.
He could’ve needed the silence and tranquillity only a park provided.
He could’ve—
No.
I could be blind.
I could be hopeful.
But I couldn’t be naïve.
I couldn’t trust in the past or in my useless, stupid heart.
He confessed to something...
He admitted he’d made mistakes.
He looked so innocent and harrowed, raked with hardship and sketched with despair. Whatever had happened to him had turned him into something I didn’t want to see.
I didn’t want to believe.
I didn’t want to give up fighting for the Gil I used to love.
But...how could I refute hard evidence?
How could I ignore what my instincts had been whispering all along?
The boy I was in love with had grown into a monster.
A monster who was secretive and sly and asleep before me.
It’s not him!
You’ve already been through this!
You’ve spoken to Justin.
You’ve asked him to his face.
So why did I back away?
Why did I grab my handbag and tiptoe through his warehouse?
Why did my instincts whisper to run, run, run?
I broke my promise and left when he needed me most.
Rain pummelled my clothes as I leapt from Gil’s warehouse and slipped into his hatchback.
I’m sorry.
His keys allowed me to steal his car.
His scent still lingered on my skin.
I’m afraid.
I needed space to think.
To worry.
I need to be alone.
Chapter Thirty-Five
______________________________
Gil
-The Past-
FUNNY HOW LIFE could promise such hope, then snatch it away so quickly.
Funny how a heart could love someone so much even when it could never have them.
I still loved Olin.
But she wasn’t mine.
She could never be mine again.
My love for her didn’t accept that, turning into a vicious, hungry thing.
It gnawed on me every day and crippled me every night.
I wanted it to stop.
I begged it to go away.
But...it only increased.
Drop by drop, I drowned in agony for what I’d lost.
School had ceased being my salvation. Now, the corridors were a tomb rather than a maze I was lost in. A tomb where my heart was condemned to die because I was no longer allowed to love Olin or had the privilege to dream of our future freedom together.
The corridors and classrooms were worse than the whorehouse I lived in. My sins echoed in the gym. My corruption painted the building’s bricks.
I despised it.
I’d had everything taken from me.
Everything.
And still my love continued to bleed me dry.
But in my dark, dismal world, at least the woman who’d granted such loneliness stayed true to her word.
One night.
She’d used me for one night. She’d placed a photo of the girl I loved on a side table while she fucked me raw. And then...when she’d ensured I wasn’t fit to touch anyone else, she’d set me free.
I’d stumbled from her hotel room at four in the morning, bruised, dehydrated, and trembling. Red marks rimmed my wrists from the handcuffs she’d used. Teeth indents tattooed me from where she’d lost control and hurt me.
I felt more exhausted than I ever had in my life, more hurt than any fist my dad could deliver, and more adrift than I ever thought possible.
When Monday rolled around, I couldn’t face Olin.
I couldn’t sit in a classroom with her while our teacher’s scratch marks branded my body. I couldn’t stop the wash of sickness each time I relived how many times Tallup had fucked me and ensured I would never be worthy of Olin again.
I’d gone to our teacher a virgin.
I’d left a monster.
And the gorgeous girl I wanted for my own was now far too good for the likes of me.
I was used and dirty.
Contaminated.
Defiled.
If that wasn’t enough to keep me away, the knowledge that Tallup would ruin Olin’s chances at university were the final nails in my crypt.
Seeing Olin’s pinched and tear-blushed face tore out my heart and left it rotting for eternity. A few days after our ending, she chased me on the field.
Her bag fell from her body, her lips spread in a hopeful hello, she went to launch into my arms with apologies.
Apologies?
Fuck, she’d done nothing wrong.
I had.
I’d betrayed her.
Betrayed our future and our promises.
Holding up my hand, I stopped her from hugging me. My own sadness choked me until I almost broke. My teeth clenched, my stomach roiled, and I teetered on kneeling before her.
I missed her so goddamn much.
But I’d sold my soul to the devil to save her.
This nightmare was mine to endure, not hers.
I would protect her future by removing myself from it. I’d made a vow as Tallup gagged me, staring at Olin’s picture on the dresser that I would never prevent the girl I loved from living the life she was meant to.
Tallup had agreed to let her go.
I’d paid the price.
But there was still a tax on that payment. A tax of silence. Not one word to the girl I would always love. Not one hint that I still cared.
The only thing I could do while Olin begged me to explain was step back, shake my head, and leave.
That was the second time that I broke Olin’s heart but definitely not the last.
Every day, she sought me out, and every day, I didn’t say a word. I sank deeper and deeper into ice, hoping the glaciers in my eyes would warn her to keep her distance.
In class, I studied her pretty hair while she sat in front of me.
In my mind, I apologised over and over.
In my heart, I screamed. I told her I loved her with every breath. I promised her I always would. I begged her to forgive me.
The only person enjoying my heartbreak was Tallup.
Her tiny smirk hidden beneath her teacher’s tone. Her eyes smug and satisfied.
A love-killer, hope-stealer.
A total fucking succubus to the end.
* * * * *
“Gil! Please.” Olin dashed toward me after school.
A few weeks had passed.
I’d lost weight. I barely slept. I welcomed the beatings my dad gave me now because it was the only way to leech out the pain.