“I told her you believed that her goin’ to New York would be what’s best for her.” I paused for a moment. “She’s aware you two are the only family she has left. She doesn’t want to lose that.”
“She won’t,” Livingston immediately replied.
“She doesn’t know that,” I countered. “So far life has shown her how swiftly the ones we love can be taken from us and that terrifies her. Nat even mentioned how if she went to New York, the train goes the same route as where the accident occurred.”
Étienne swore underneath his breath. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I didn’t even consider that.”
A heavy silence filled the foyer. I did what they asked. I spoke to Nat, and then reported back to them. Yet, once more, I found myself speaking on Nat’s behalf. “I think Nat should stay here.”
Étienne and Livingston looked at me. Livingston appeared mildly amused, and Étienne lifted a brow, almost surprised by my remark.
“I apologize if I’m intrudin’ on a family matter, but it’s apparent she’s fond of the life she has here. I think if she were to go to New York, it would only exacerbate matters.”
More silence. Étienne crossed his arms and appeared to be mulling over my words. After a few moments, he gave a curt nod. “We don’t want her to leave. Havin’ her stay with Aunt Christine was merely a suggestion. I thought it would be in her best interest.”
“I understand. But maybe, the best interest for the three of you is to stay together.”
“The three of us?” Livingston’s lips fought to stay in a straight line. “Are you forgettin’ that Étienne and I are grown men? We don’t need to stay with anyone.”
“I realize that. And even though Nat may be a child right now, she’s the heartbeat of the family. I think you both need her too.”
Neither Étienne nor Livingston answered me. I didn’t know why I said what I did. It was truthful and seemed appropriate. Nat was their only sister and all they had left. If that wasn’t enough, she had the power, even at the age of twelve, to keep the peace within her family. That stood for something.
Étienne cleared his throat, while Livingston kept his gaze on the ground and itched his chin.
“If Nat truly wants to remain at Belgrave then of course she can,” Étienne said.
When I walked away from Nat, I didn’t know what the outcome would be when I spoke to her brothers. That she didn’t have to go gave me relief. This was exactly what she wanted.
“Wonderful to hear,” I said.
Livingston gave the front door a pointed look. “Are you goin’ to tell her?”
Laughing beneath my breath, I shook my head and clapped Livingston on the back as I walked past him. “I have work to do with Étienne. Besides, you’re a grown man, and she’s just a child. There’s nothin’ to fear.”
Livingston nodded, but still didn’t approach the front door. I walked with Étienne back to the sitting room, with more confidence, because I was making good on my promise to Nat. I was going to protect her and keep her safe.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Juliet
Changing yourself for each person you meet in your life is remarkably easy. I prefer to think of it as wearing clothes. Some may fit, others are too loose or too tight. At times, the characters are unflattering. For me, I settle for nothing less than perfect. That’s what I attain to be in life.
I’ve carefully observed people to see what they prefer and what they dislike. I remain patient and calm because I know my attentive observations will lead to everyone being none the wiser.
Yes, transforming yourself is easy. It’s being yourself that’s far harder. Shedding the traits that define your identities and becoming bare is lonely and vulnerable. Akin to standing in front of the mirror without a stitch of clothing and staring at your flaws.
If I could, I would never be bare. But I’m not strong enough to face what I see, and I never have been.
Perhaps Asa can sense my ever-changing self. Maybe I am not as careful and precise as I think and that’s why he doesn’t love me. I saw him at the dress shop and at Alex’s birthday. I am no fool. Asa still loves Nathalie. If he thinks he’s concealing it from me, he needs to do a far better job. I didn’t expect Asa to love me at first sight. But something would be nice. Can I say I love him? Of course not. But I see the expression on his face when Nathalie is around, and I want it for myself. Everyone desires warmth and comfort.
“He will never love you.” At the sound of his voice, I close my eyes, but the scent of blood pervades my nostrils. I know if I open them, I’ll see his reflection in my vanity mirror. Flecks of blood will splatter his clothes, and appear up his neck. He’ll be standing beside me, whispering the words softly, yet managing to brush the hair back from my ear.
“You’re a stupid twit,” he continues, and I suck in a sharp breath. “You know better than to want his kindness. You’re here for one thing. Remember that.”
My eyes flash open, and I’m all alone in my room with only his words echoing in my head, and the lingering scent of blood in the air.
Outside my room, the house continues to run as it normally does. I can hear the maids carrying on conversations, and it reminds me how alone I feel here. The awful staff doesn’t care for me, though. I can sense their unease as I walk past them and in how they avoid my gaze. I had no chance of earning their favor. Especially after what occurred in the dining room. Apologizing was humiliating and degrading. I was no better than the dirt beneath my fingernails. And everyone in the dining room saw it. I wanted to lunge at Asa, claw at his face and unleash all my anger on him for hurting me in such a manner. Couldn’t he understand that what I was doing was for the betterment of this house? A home needed to be ran with a sharp eye. If you want perfection, you can never settle for anything less.
But the hurt surrounding my heart isn’t because of him. Hurt such as that takes longer to cultivate than from one demeaning experience. No, that hurt came from years of fury.
My hands curl into fists so tightly, my nails dig into my skin. I press so hard, my entire body shakes with pain. I don’t relent, because memories from my past continue to play in my head. I close my eyes, but over and over, they unfold in my head at a sickening speed. I know if I fight it, the recollections will find me at another time when I’m less prepared.
And as swiftly as the horrid memories sweep over, do they recede. My fingers slowly flex, and my body stops shaking. I take a deep breath and open my eyes. Everything in my room is as it should be. As I gradually collect myself, I feel stronger than before.
Your responses are growing smaller and smaller. The past has far less control over you.
I smile at the thought. It’s the truth and that means I’m growing stronger and need to focus on what I came here to do.
Finish it all, Juliet.
Emboldened by those words, I take a deep breath and walk over to one of the windows. My room faces the street. I’m afforded the perfect opportunity to watch people come and go. My view is quite possibly the one thing I enjoy about Charleston and this home. I like to observe everyone and their characteristics. The way they move and how they laugh. Sometimes I’ll imitate what I see in front of the mirror to remember how common people behave. How I once behaved.