“Well? What is the matter? Go in,” my father said, nearly pushing me toward the closed door.
Now? I was hopeful this was a tour of the campus. We had just left my new dorm, Stratton Hall, and toured the library, but I had hoped I wouldn’t attend class until tomorrow. I didn’t even have supplies with me!
The headmaster cleared his throat and smiled diplomatically at my parents. “First days can be difficult on some of the boys. We find that it’s less painful for everyone involved if—”
“He needs to learn,” my father cut in. “He’s goin’ to be a man someday.”
The headmaster had nothing to say to that. He looked between my father and me before he nodded. “Then I’ll take him in.”
My father wanted to say more. It was apparent in the way his mouth opened and closed. Appearances mattered to him, though, and he wouldn’t have created a scene. “Very well. If you must.” My father turned to me and nodded. “Instincts are actions born from definin’ moments. This is your first definin’ moment. Take care of yourself, son.” He took Momma’s hand before she and I had the opportunity to say goodbye.
She looked over her shoulder at me, tears welling in her eyes, mouthing the words, I love you. Anxiety welled in my chest. I knew my father was easily frustrated with me, but my momma was kind to me. She wouldn’t have left me here.
Yet she was. They turned the corner and then they were gone.
And I was by myself.
I was at St. Xavier’s Catholic School in Columbia. It was a prestigious all-boys boarding school that well-to-do families all over the South tried their hardest to have their sons accepted to.
I hadn’t known my parents coveted a spot at St. Xavier until two days ago when Father told me they accepted me, and I would leave for Columbia at once.
The headmaster and I looked at one another. “Do you like your dorm?”
Readily, I nodded. “Yes, yes. Room fifteen in Stratson Hall. It’s quite nice.”
He observed me peculiarly. The way most people did when they first met me. “I’m pleased to hear that.” He gestured to the closed door. The one I was pointedly trying to ignore. “Shall we go into the class?”
Skeptically, I looked at the door. When I didn’t reply, the headmaster spoke once again. “Waiting only gives our fear time to grow.”
He was correct. It was better to get this over with, and it could have been worse. If my father had had it his way, I would have been walking in there alone. At least I had this kind man with me.
I nodded and he opened the door. Together we stepped into the classroom. The teacher, a woman close to my own momma’s age, immediately stopped writing on the chalkboard. Everyone looked at us.
The headmaster placed his hands on my shoulders and had me face the class. “Everyone, I would like you to meet our newest student, Asa Calhoun.”
Twelve boys around my age inspected me with curiosity. My legs began to shake once again. The teacher stepped forward and smiled at me. “Wonderful to meet you, Asa. I’m Ms. Fillingham.”
As the headmaster left, Ms. Fillingham pointed to an empty desk in the second row. “You can sit behind Harold.”
A stoic boy in the second row waved his hand at me, and I walked toward my new desk. One row over, a group of boys talked to one another and snickered. I kept my head down, intent on making it to my desk. If I could make it there without tripping on my own clumsy two feet, then I’d be okay.
And I did. I nearly sighed with relief. Beneath the desk, my legs nervously bounced up and down. The students around me had notebooks and pencils on their desks, Ms. Fillingham told me to follow along with the lesson plan as best as I could until I had all my proper supplies.
Once her back was turned, a voice to my right whispered, “Wonderful. Another dolt from Charleston.”
A rather tall boy with dirty blond hair in the row to my right turned in unison with the dark-haired boy in front of him. The glare they sent immediately had the snickering boys becoming silent. The teasing boys sat tall in their chairs and looked forward as though they hadn’t uttered a word.
The blond and dark-haired boys didn’t spare me another glance and continued listening to the lesson. Well, the blond did. The dark-haired one wrote something in his notebook. He held it up for me to see, THEY CAN SMELL FEAR.
Instantly, I looked away and gazed at the surface of my desk. I stared at the wood grain until my eyes began to well up with tears.
I was a baby for crying, and I was trying to stop, but I was afraid to be here. I was afraid to be away from everything I knew. I had a routine at home. My tutors came to the house, and when they left, I had my school work. Once that was finished, there were the many, many books I could read from. I had tried to interact with children my age. It went terribly. I knew these boys wouldn’t like me. Like the other children, I would speak with them and they would turn away or begin to laugh at me.
Beneath the desk, my hands curled into fists, and I squeezed them tightly, trying to fight the tears. Slowly, I took a deep breath and thankfully, the tears subsided.
When I lifted my head and looked around the class, the snickering boys were none the wiser, but the blond boy was solemnly observing me.
Ms. Fillingham dismissed the class for the day, and as the boys collected their belongings, she looked to me. “Do you know where all the buildin’s are?”
Readily, I nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
The blond boy to my right gathered his belongings and stood. I watched him with wide eyes because he was so tall. Why was he so tall?
I continued to stare at him when he looked at me. I braced myself for what he might say or do, but he turned away.
I breathed a sigh of relief and began to walk out of the classroom. Four boys from the class congregated out in the hall. They spotted me and stopped speaking. I kept my eyes on the floor and walked out of the building. I needed to make it back to my dorm, or at least far enough from my new classmates because I couldn’t breathe and I felt as though the tears I fought earlier were about to return or a rush of rage would burst from my throat.
My chest heaved as I tried to calm myself.
Take a deep breath! You’ll be in your room soon!
But I didn’t know how far my dorm was. If I knew my parents intended to leave me here today, I would have tried to remember each building we visited. I didn’t know it mattered.
Stupid! You’re so stupid! You should’ve counted the steps. Then you wouldn’t be unnerved right now. You should’ve—
My thoughts were suddenly disrupted when my feet slipped out from under me. With a solid thud, I landed on the ground. In a daze, I stared at the clear blue sky before I heard sniggers and chuckles not far from me. When I raised my head, I saw the boys that called me a dolt in the classroom. One of them stepped forward, and with his hands on his hips, looked down at me with a smile. “You look like you might cry? Do you need your momma?”
One of the boys beside him made crying noises. While the other boys in the group laughed, a voice behind them said, “Leave him alone.”
The boys turned. The leader of the four opened his mouth, ready to go against whoever challenged them, but the moment he spotted the tall boy along with the dark-haired boy, his mouth closed.
The four of them stepped back from me and nodded readily.