“Yeah, and lucky you, her celebrity crush is Satan.”
I can’t help chuckling at that, despite how tightly wound I’m feeling in this moment.
Kendrick says, “Whatever you do tonight, do not let Laila know you’re jealous of Colin. Trust me on that, Savage. You let her know she’s got that power over you, then she’ll use it against you.”
“I’m not stupid,” I say.
“Oh, yes, you are.”
“Yeah, but not that kind of stupid.”
“Oh, yes, you are.”
“Hey, boys,” a woman says. And when we look up, it’s that British pop star, Penelope something, who’s going to be Jon’s mentor this season. She holds up an unlit cigarette and smiles flirtatiously at me. “A little birdie told me you might have a light?”
“Sorry, no,” I reply. “My girlfriend hates cigarettes, so I quit.”
Kendrick looks at me funny, probably thinking, I saw you smoking like a chimney last night at my brother’s birthday party.
I add, “I quit tonight, actually. For Laila.”
Penelope flashes a snarky look. “She’s your girlfriend, eh?”
“Mm-hmm. Yep.”
Penelope snickers, leans forward, and whispers, “The cameras aren’t rolling yet, love. That same little birdie told me your ‘relationship’ is starting tomorrow.” With a wink, she throws her unlit cigarette into a nearby bush. “I don’t smoke, anyway. I was looking for a reason to come over here.” She giggles, but I don’t join her. She’s blocking my view of Laila and Colin, which is causing me distress. If Colin is hitting on Laila, and I can’t see it and sprint over there to stop it, I’ll make this British chick rue the day.
Penelope makes a few more attempts at small talk, mostly directed at me, as I crane my neck to spy on Laila. Finally, Kendrick throws himself on his sword and enters into a full-blown conversation with her. Which is Kendrick for you, in a nutshell. The guy’s the best friend in the world.
Gratefully, I get up, muttering something about the bathroom, and then start walking toward Laila and Colin, who’ve drifted away from the group and are talking one-on-one. But on my way to my destination, I get stopped by Aloha, who’s tickled pink by today’s unexpected events. She’s with her husband, Zander, a cool dude I’ve met a couple times. We chat for a moment while my gaze continually drifts over Zander’s extremely broad shoulder at Laila and Colin. But when I notice Laila’s body language seems particularly flirty, particularly animated, I disengage from my conversation and barrel over to my fake girlfriend.
When I get close enough to overhear Laila and Colin’s conversation, Laila is in the middle of saying, “No, I swear! Savage told her he had to ‘lay low.’ He didn’t say Laila. But the producers ran with it. It’s all about ratings, baby.”
“Hilarious,” Colin says.
“Laila,” I bark out, lurching forward and invading their personal space. “I need to speak with you, my love. Right now.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Yes, something is very, very wrong.” I pull her up, avoiding Colin’s glare, and yank her across the patio and into Reed’s house, down a hallway, and through a random door, which empties into a laundry room.
“What the hell?” Laila blurts, as I whirl around from shutting the door.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I demand, my heart racing.
“What? When?”
“Your conversation with Colin!” I shout. “I heard every word, Laila.”
She wrinkles her forehead, apparently not understanding. “Every word about what?”
“You told him the truth about our ‘relationship’!”
“So?”
“You’re not supposed to tell anyone! It’s top secret!”
She’s flabbergasted. “But Colin’s my mentor. He’s part of the show! We agreed on the way over here we could tell anyone from the show, remember?”
“No, that’s not at all what we agreed. Not anyone. We agreed I could tell Kendrick because he’s my best friend and is also on the show. And you could tell Aloha for the same reason. We didn’t decide we could run around telling every single person in the entire cast and crew!”
“But Colin is my friend and assigned mentor. I trust him. Besides, he signed a contract today that surely contained a confidentiality—”
“We’re not telling anyone but Kendrick and Aloha!” I shout, sounding like a maniac, even to myself. “That’s what we agreed. As far as Colin or anyone else needs to know, we’re an actual couple, Laila. You’re my girlfriend. You’re in love with me. Head over heels and totally addicted.” Suddenly, I stop short, as the upside of what Laila said to Colin suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks. “Wait. You admit I didn’t say Laila to that Instagrammer? You’ve been fucking with me this whole time, pretending you believed I said your name?”
“No. Of course not. I’m one hundred percent positive you said my name to her. I just told Colin your stupid fake story because he was needling me about the whole thing and I wanted to be nice and save you from embarrassment.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s true.”
“Well, if it’s true, which I don’t believe, then you didn’t do it to be nice to me. You did it because you want Colin to think you’re available.”
“Absolutely not.”
I throw up my hands. “You can’t do that, Laila! I just got finished telling that Penelope chick you’re my girlfriend! And that’s how I expect you to play this, too—to remain in character at all times, with everyone, including Colin.”
“You don’t get to decide that.”
“I sure as hell do. I paid two million bucks to get to decide that and anything else having to do with this ridiculous arrangement.”
Uh oh. She’s no longer amused. She’s downright pissed now. “And ‘anything else’?” she parrots. “What am I—a mail order bride? A blowup doll?” She scoffs. “News flash, Savage. You paid two million bucks to save your own ass. Not to purchase me.”
“You know what I meant.”
“Yeah, I do,” she says. “And that’s the problem. Regardless, even if I were going to agree that you’re my lord and master and omnipotent in all ways, we still can’t put the genie back in the bottle regarding Colin. He knows we’re not really a couple, and that’s that, unless you want me to run out there and scream, ‘Just kidding! I’m actually desperately in love with Savage!’”
“Sounds like a plan to me. Go on now, baby. Chop chop.”
She rolls her eyes.
“At a bare minimum,” I say, “I demand you to stop flirting your ass off with Colin.”
She gasps. “I wasn’t flirting with Colin!”
“Well, he was sure as hell flirting with you.”
“We’re friends.”
“Have you ever fucked him?”
“No, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Kissed him?”
She shakes her head. “We’re friends.”