She sounded surprised as hell. She could join the club. I hadn’t even yet mentioned running into Hudson last night. Was I totally sure he hadn’t been waiting for me for another surprise visit? No. But he’d seemed irritated with himself over that wine he ordered when I refused it.
“Yeah, it was him, and his son Hudson. They told me they’d help me get a job there, at the Holdings place, or whatever, an interview at least if I wanted it.”
“Hmm.” Her pen went tap tap tap on the notepad and her foot swung in a matched rhythm, dangling the red shoe from her toes.
“So?” My impatience had hit its peak.
“So what?”
“What do I do?”
“I’m not your parents or your boss or your priest, Lilly. My job isn’t to tell you what to do, it’s to help you work through your problems so you can make a decision.”
That impatience gave way to frustration. Didn’t she get it? “Well, my parents suck and I’m not Catholic, so who in the hell is supposed to help me?” I grunted. Obviously her job wasn’t to be my personal life coach. I already knew that.
I wanted someone to tell me what to do. What steps to take. Having it all at my hands with no experience always felt like I was grasping at thin air.
I essentially went from being a teenage minor with no responsibility to an inmate and then limited freedoms, living on my own when I’d never had to do so much before as balance a checkbook or clean a bathroom.
I was thrust into adulthood with a ‘good luck,’ a pat on the back, a prison record, and Ellen. Now Nancy.
And maybe the Valentines?
“Do you want to work in an office? Isn’t that what you’ve been going to school for?”
I’d once wanted to be a lawyer and follow in my dad’s footsteps. I now knew I’d been seeking his approval. Didn’t take a genius to figure that out. Didn’t take a genius to figure out I’d never get it, either, but that revelation came too little too late.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to own an equestrian farm.
After that, a hairstylist.
I could be a mechanic or a bottom feeder in some corporate conglomerate, one of the many thousands of mice hired to run their races with small rewards.
All I knew was that I was desperate to do something to make all the ugly things I lived through worth it. I wanted to succeed. I wanted to give myself a decent life even if it was vastly different than what I’d always imagined. I wanted to do work I was proud of that would allow me a small savings for a rainy day.
I was smart enough, that I knew. That was all I knew.
“I don’t know,” I finally said.
Decisions, decisions, decisions, with little opportunity.
“Seems to me you’re being given a chance to figure out if it’s something you’d like. I know Valor Holdings. They’re a respectable company. Not too large you blend in, not too small you stand out.”
“So I should call.”
She ignored me and kept talking.
“I think David Valentine has done a lot of good for this community and he’s as stand up as they come, but working for him is your call. If you want a character reference, I can only go off what I read in the papers and see at fundraising events, but he’s always come across as a trustworthy guy.”
He did.
He absolutely did.
With those sad, sad eyes I liked so much.
Hudson had them too, sometimes, when he talked about his family.
“I’ll call,” I said, surprising myself. The decision came out of nowhere, or maybe it didn’t. Maybe I’d already decided I would but needed the go-ahead. Either way, my heart thumped a bit faster and my hands warmed.
“Now?” She tilted her head to the side and I caught her soft, encouraging smile. At least I thought that’s what it was. It was hard to tell with her sometimes.
“When we’re done.”
“I’m happy to step out while you do, give you privacy in case you want to talk after.”
“He’s probably busy.”
“You’ll never know until you call.”
She wanted this for me. She’d never offered specific help before, and I wasn’t exactly sure if it was professional. Between the Valentines’ offer to help, my therapist’s change in demeanor, and Ellen’s calls to take me to dinner when we didn’t have to meet so frequently… it hit me like a surprise kidney shot that all of these people were helping me, beyond what they were required to do.
Emotion rose and burned my throat, spilling out from me before I could stop it.
Was it actually possible they didn’t all look at me and see the wasted life of an ex-con, but someone who could do something good? Turn all the ugly twisted things I’d done into something better?
“It doesn’t have to be today,” I said quickly into the phone. The speed of my words matched the pacing of my feet. True to her word, Nancy stepped out while I agreed to call.
I didn’t expect to give my name to the operator and be immediately sent to David’s line. It was Thursday. He should have been working and yet he seemed to have all the time in the world for me once I introduced myself on the phone.
“No, no. Today is good. Great, actually. I can be free whenever you can get here.”
I glanced down at my worn clothes. For a moment, I’d considered dashing outside Nancy’s building, running to the bus stop and being there in thirty minutes.
That couldn’t happen.
No way could I walk into their office looking like this.
But if I waited too long, I could lose my nerve.
“Um. Monday might be better,” I mumbled, playing with my ponytail.
“Monday would work.”
He sounded disappointed and a sharp pinch ached in my chest.
“It’s just…” God. He already knew my history. Some of it anyway. “I’m not dressed right and that might take some time.”
“Come however you feel comfortable, Lilly. We have a relaxed dress code around here. My offer didn’t extend on a time limit either. All I want to do is talk. Figure out what you might be interested in or qualified for, that’s all.”
If I waited until Monday, I’d probably think of a thousand more excuses why this was a horrible idea and never show up.
Wasn’t this what I wanted? An opportunity? A chance to be someone more than who I’d been forced to become?
“Okay. Okay, today works then, but it’ll take me a few hours.”
“I’ll let the front desk know to send you up. No rush.”
“Okay. And thank you.”
“No, Lilly. Thank you for this opportunity. Truly. See you soon, okay?”
I said okay and hung up, feeling that strange sensation in my chest again and that weird warmth spreading through my blood.
Hudson hadn’t been lying. It made Mr. Valentine happy to help me.
What kind of man was he?
“Only one way to find out,” I muttered.
After a quick stop at Target to buy myself a dress—hopefully on the clearance rack—I headed to Valor Holdings.
12
Lilly
I stepped off the bus one stop early to give myself time to relax and prepare. Throughout the late morning and early afternoon, I questioned this decision so many times my head started to hurt. After a quick trip to Target where I found two dresses, I bought them both without trying either on. A twelve-dollar dress on an out-of-season clearance rack had never felt like such a glorious splurge. Thankfully, I had a gray cardigan in decent shape to cover the spaghetti strap sleeves, making it almost weather appropriate.