“This will sound silly,” I said, already shaking my head.
“Silly isn’t bad.”
“We spent time outside, you know? We had free time to wander the grounds and some of it was actually pretty. Lots of trees and shade, benches, it wasn’t all cages and despair like televisions make some of the men’s prisons you see.”
“But—”
“But it was still sad. It always felt like even the sun was sadder when it shined over us, so I would say I just cherish being able to be outside. Car lights at night, horns. Happy people. Laughter. It still makes me nervous when I’m around a lot of people, but I used to sit outside the first shelter home I was in and just listen to all the noise.”
His hand that was propping up his head fell and landed on my shoulder where his thumb brushed back and forth.
It was the first time he’d touched me in that way and an unexpected warmth flooded my skin, popping goose bumps down to my toes.
“That doesn’t sound silly, Lilly. It sounds sad.”
It was. But I couldn’t do anything about that, so I shrugged. “There’s no point in being sad, not for me.”
“I can’t be sad you lost so many years of your life, some would say the best years?”
“I can’t change it. What’s the point?”
“You can work to make up for what you’ve lost.”
Frustration pricked down my spine. In the span of a few moments, he’d made me think about too much. The thick silence earlier was suddenly preferable to all of this talking.
“Which is why I took the job with your dad. I am trying. But when you now have my history and record, the future doesn’t always look bright.”
He chewed on the inside of his cheek. Whatever he was thinking was busy and intense.
I didn’t know what he was planning, what he was trying to solve for me, but he’d already done so much.
I tugged the blanket off me and stretched out my legs. “I should go. I still have to get ready for Judith’s.”
“Are you turning in your notice tonight?” He pushed off the couch with me, and stood, swiping those large, strong hands down his thighs.
“Yep. And then you’ll probably see me so much at work and in our same building you’ll be sick of me before you know it.”
It was a lame joke, but when Hudson was silent, not rising to the bait at all, I turned to him. “What?”
His eyes were narrowed, not in that sad way of his but something else. He shook his head. “Nothing. I’ll walk you home.”
I laughed. It sounded scratchy. First he walked me around the block, and now this? “I live three floors below you.”
He grabbed his keys and slid them into his pockets. “I’ll walk you home.”
“Okay.” I was fighting a smile. This guy. None of this was necessary. What was going to happen to me on an elevator ride inside a secure building?
He didn’t speak again until I got to my door and turned, shyly grinning up at him. He smelled like citrus and sunshine and as I opened my mouth to thank him for a great night, even if we’d fumbled our way through it, his fingers pressed to my lips.
“You wanted tonight to be as friends,” he said. “I gave that to you. And if that’s what you want, you have that from me. No questions, no expectations. But I think, while I wasn’t going to say anything, I want you to know if you’d like more from me than that, I want to explore that with you.”
I trembled beneath his touch. My head spun as I tried to make sense of everything he was saying. I hadn’t… I hadn’t expected this. And I lifted a hand to press it to my chest, trying to settle my racing heart.
That finger brushed across my lips, to my cheek until his hand was at my jaw, cupping my face like I was porcelain.
“Hudson—” I had no clue what else to say, only that I wanted to say his name, over and over again, and have him keep touching me.
“Don’t say anything. Friends until you say more.” He leaned closer, and every millimeter he moved closer, my body warmed in exponential degrees until he was right there. His lips at my cheek. His body crowding me in a way I was almost desperate to reach for him, wrap my arms around him. See if hugs made me feel as safe as his presence was starting to.
“Have a good night, Lilly. Thank you for dinner.”
He kissed me then. Lips brushing my cheek as he whispered.
My eyelids fluttered closed while I inhaled every memory of this moment, cementing it into my mind forever. A rush of excitement and nerves slid through me, making every part of me hot.
It was barely a kiss. A hint of one. My first in seven years.
And it was glorious.
I reached for him as he pulled back, hands sliding to his sides above his hips but as he stepped back, my hands fell down, unable to get a grip and pull him back.
Did I have the guts to do that anyway? In the grandest scheme of things, I was so inexperienced.
So much less confident.
So incredibly surprised that a guy like him would even consider such a thing with someone with my past. This moment… it was beyond my wildest imagination. And it was true. This was really happening.
“Be safe at work and I’ll see you soon.”
“’Night.” That word fell on a breath from my still stunned lips, still feeling his finger at them. I licked my lips to see if I could seal in the taste of him.
He walked backward to the elevator, grinning at me in that way of his that made my toes tingle, but didn’t move to press the button.
“Get inside, Lilly.”
“Maybe I wanted to make sure you get in the elevator okay.”
He shook his head, one edge of his mouth lifted into a smirk. “Inside before I hit this button.”
Something told me he was more stubborn than me, and I needed to get ready for work. “Bye, Hudson.”
“See you soon.”
I opened the door with that promise lingering in my ears and my cheeks hurting from a smile.
He liked me.
He really liked me.
22
Lilly
Seven Years Earlier
“I said no.”
I shoved against the guy blocking my exit from the bathroom. Billy Palmetto. He didn’t go to our school and while he’d freaked out several of the girls tonight, creeping up on all of us, drunk and swaying, no one had kicked him out yet.
Now, he’d set his sights on me. Stupid. So stupid of me to leave Kendra and go to the bathroom alone. I thought putting space between me and him would make him lose his attention.
“Just a kiss,” he whispered, leaning in. He smelled like beer and bad decisions. And he was larger than me.
“Go away.” I shoved him again, but he leaned against me, ending up closer until his breath was on my cheek and his hands were fumbling at the waistband of my jeans.
“Stop it.” I tried to knee him. Tried to shove him off me but his hands had their grip on my button and his mouth was moving closer.
I turned away, shoving my cheek to the wall, and opened my mouth to scream when his other hand covered mine.
“Shut up. No one will hear you anyway and no one will stop me.”
I bit down on his hand, made him scream enough that he yanked his hand away from me.