“What?”
“She put her hand on my knee and told me, ‘If I could go back in time, I’d give you my dad. You should’ve had that.’ And she wasn’t talking about her church family or her God in like that churchy way of talking about their ‘father,’ you know?”
He nodded. “I know.”
“Right. Of course you know.” I laughed, cold and brittle, and swiped so many tears away, my fingers were soaked with them. “Because you have one, too.”
He brought my hand up and held it between both of us. He cupped my hand like I imagined he wanted to hug me. So damn comforting. So strong. “I’m sorry you didn’t.”
“Yeah, that’s what she said, and she meant it.” Tears fell down my cheeks and I couldn’t be bothered to brush them away anymore. The memory of that day, how completely serious she was, hit me with such force I sobbed.
It was minutes, long minutes where Hudson said nothing and didn’t move, just squeezed my hand between his and pressed it to his chest where I felt the steady, strong beat of his heart.
“Anyway, she meant it deep inside her. I could tell. She wished I could have had her dad, and that I deserved it and that… well, it meant a lot. I never forgot that. I mean, I had money. I had this family but we were such a fucking mess. We were rich, but in some ways, we were worse than the worst kinds of people. All of us a mess. And this girl who didn’t know me but knew all my ugly secrets, all the ugly things I’d done, all the ugly things done to me… she still thought I deserved something like that.”
I smiled a watery smile up at him. He was blurry, and his eyes were steely. Like he was feeling every single thing I was experiencing all over again.
“It was the best birthday present I ever had,” I admitted.
It had sparked something inside of me when I’d gone back to my cell.
I didn’t have a family who cared. I’d lost the only person in my life who had ever loved me.
But I could be something. This stranger gave me that. Funny how quickly I forgot that gift she handed me when things grew difficult now.
“She sounds lovely. Truly genuine.”
“She was. I think that day, she saved my life a little bit. Gave me hope I could still be someone.” It was a gift I’d never again forget.
“You can do anything.”
I grinned, and for the first time around Hudson, it didn’t feel broken or crooked or jagged. “I know that now.”
We climbed out of his truck eventually and yet I did it feeling ten pounds lighter. Like somehow, pouring all that out to him helped me shed the weight of condemnation that wasn’t necessary for me to carry anymore. My eyes were still wet, and I was certain I looked a mess. Tonight had been rough.
It had also been beautiful.
Hudson gave me that, like he’d so easily given me so many other things, but him listening to me, understanding, was the most precious gift of all.
Now, he was the one who had turned quiet as we rode the elevator and walked down the building’s hallway and while he waited for me to dig out my keys.
“Thank you for tonight. And I’m sorry if that… well, if that got weird in your truck.”
“It wasn’t weird. I feel honored you trust me with that story.”
Of course he did. Because that’s who he was. Honorable. Worthy of it as well.
“I had fun being with your family. And Jenna, even if she is a little bit crazy.”
“I warned you.” His lips twitched. “But you handled yourself well with her.”
“She made it easy.” I looked up at him. His tall frame, tousled hair, and chiseled jaw. It was probably illegal in forty-two states to be this attractive, and as we stood there, neither of us moving, I remembered the last night we stood like this.
When he kissed me. Would he…
“I should get home,” Hudson said.
He popped the memory of Friday and it fell to the floor with the weight of a lead balloon. “Right. Sure. Busy day tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
It was awkward. This was awkward. We hadn’t yet had awkward. “Hudson—”
“I should go,” he repeated and took a step back.
“Wait.” I found myself reaching for him. My hand curled around his forearm and a sizzling spark traveled up my arm, straight to my chest.
I wanted this. And he’d said he did too, right?
Maybe this was a bad time. Maybe I looked like a raccoon and I’d smear mascara all over him.
But I’d lost six years of my life and after having a renewed vision from tonight’s memory, I was tired of wasting time, of wasting moments I’d fill with regret if I missed too many more.
“Lilly—”
I didn’t give him time to finish that thought. I rolled to my toes and pressed my lips to his, kissing Hudson for the first time.
And oh God. His lips were warm. Soft. Full and it was the last thought I had before two large and warm hands dug into my hair, held me to him and he kissed me back.
Ferociously.
Powerfully.
He kissed me like he was starving himself of this very moment for a lifetime and he could no longer resist.
My back hit the wall. His body caged me in at the front and still he kissed me, pressing his tongue to my lips, seeking entrance. I gasped against him, my mind whirling with nerves and my body sizzling with excitement.
It’d been so long, so long since I fumbled with first kisses and counting bases in back seats of cars, a shiver of nerves rolled down my spine, but I gave him what he sought.
Me. My mouth. Entrance into me. Our tongues slipped against each other and I was pretty certain I was floating on a cloud, headed straight to outer space.
It was divine. So much more than I’d imagined. So much better than I could have ever imagined any kiss to be.
Hudson could kiss. And he was kissing me, passionately, until he pulled back, gasping for breath, and pressed his forehead to mine. “I didn’t mean to get carried away.”
“I’m glad you did.” Our breaths were heavy. Chests heaving as we fought to return to sanity and solid ground.
Still, he pressed his forehead to mine and gripped my scalp with such intensity it seemed he was having just as hard of a time as I was. “I want to go slow with you. I can’t… I can’t take more from you.”
He looked pained. Eyes squeezed tightly closed, jaw hard and wrinkles lined his forehead. I reached up, pressed my palm to the curve of his jaw.
“Do you… regret that?”
“No,” he groaned. “No regret, but I should go.”
It was the last thing I wanted. I wanted more kisses. More of his body pressing to mine, and yet he looked so torn. “Okay.”
There was something wrong. Something he wouldn’t share and it became obvious when he stepped back, let me go and shoved his hands into his pockets almost to clean away the feel of me. “Get inside, Lilly. And sleep well.”
He gestured toward the door, opened behind me.
I didn’t know what happened, what put that cavern of space between us, but I stepped over my threshold and did what I was told.
“Goodnight, Hudson.”
I closed the door and kicked off my shoes and pressed my back to the door. My fingers drifted to my lips. My first real kiss since I was eighteen years old and it felt like heaven.