"Another time, then," she said, and it was obvious she didn't know what to do with me now.
She'd never really known but she'd tried and I gave her credit for that. She'd tried so hard even when everything was stacked against her. Even when her options were impossible. She'd tried and she did the best she could with the loss and devastation life handed her.
"I'm trying my best," I said, a wave of tears threatening to streak down my cheeks. God, I didn't want to cry in the middle of this airport. I just wanted to hold it together a bit longer. Just a bit. "I'm trying to do the right thing but nothing is working."
"It's going to work, honey. I'm sure of it. You've always tried so very hard, even when you were too young for anyone to expect that of you." She paused but I didn't respond because all the tears would fall and I'd sob and I didn't want that. I didn't want to be the person who cried on the phone in the middle of the airport. I didn't want to be the person who fell apart all the fucking time. "Why don't you come up to Seattle tonight? I'll make a call and change your itinerary, and we can have a day together."
I shook my head when I heard her typing. "Do you remember Halloween? That last one we spent on base?"
The typing stopped but there was a moment before she spoke. "I'll never forget it."
I let out a watery laugh. "See, that's my problem. I can't remember it. All I know is we had a good day."
She hummed in agreement. "It was a great day. All the families on base worked together to organize activities for the kids. Your father was in strong spirits too. You're right. It was one of the good days."
"Did we have a family costume? Something like that? I keep thinking we did but I don't recall what it was."
She laughed, saying, "We tried. I'll tell you, we tried but you wanted no part of it. Every year, I came up with a new costume and everything would be set but when it came time to dress up, you pitched a fit."
"That sounds nothing like me."
"Toddler Jasper was just as determined and stubborn as grown-up Jasper," she said. "That's how your father and I ended up dressed as Fred and Wilma Flintstone and you wore that sweet little black cat costume from Auntie Midge. The one you wore three years in a row."
An announcement sounded for my flight. "I don't remember any of that."
"You were a baby. You wouldn't. But you loved that costume. It didn't matter what season it was, you wanted to be that cat. You asked me to draw whiskers on your face all the time. A pink nose too." She laughed softly. "You loved the costume like crazy, even if it did ruin my plans year after year."
I shook my head. I didn't know what to do with any of this. "Mom, I have to go."
"I can get you on a flight," she said. "You can always come here, Jasper. I know I don't say that enough and my shifts never align with your work but there is always space in my life for you. Always."
I reached down for the handle of my carry-on bag. "I know, Mom."
"I want you to visit me, Jasper. Maybe not tonight but sometime soon. I'm certain I can find photos from that Halloween for you."
"I'm not sure what my—" I stopped myself before using my almighty schedule as a shield for the millionth time. I didn't have a schedule anymore. I didn't have anything but a gaping hole in my chest where my heart should've been because he didn't ask me to stay, and the ever-present sense I was missing out on something important that everyone else seemed to find without trouble. "I am not sure where I'm going. In my life. At all. I don't know what I'm doing."
Another announcement for my flight rang out but there were plenty of people lined up to board. I had a few more minutes.
After a beat, she said, "I needed to give myself permission to start over. I didn't think I was allowed to do that. I didn't think I could when I was a mother and in my mid-thirties but I realized I had to do it to save myself and save you too. I had to convince myself that starting over didn't mean I'd forgotten your father or that I didn't still love him dearly. It didn't mean the life we'd lived wasn't worth treasuring. It meant it was time for me to go in a new direction and I couldn't persecute myself over that choice. I couldn't hate myself for walking away from things that hurt me."
I didn't know what I was supposed to say. I sniffled. "Mmhmm."
"It's okay to change your life, Jasper. It's okay for it to be messy and it's okay to wonder if you've ruined it all."
"What if I actually have ruined it all?"
"That's just not possible, honey. It's not. You have so much ahead of you. Learn from the past but leave it there while you build a life that brings you joy and peace."
"I don't know how to do that," I snapped, angry for no good reason.
She laughed, gentle and rueful, and said, "Figure out what doesn't make you happy. Start there. Make a list. You've always loved your lists. Then, get rid of all that shit. Or as much as you can without going to prison for tax evasion. You'll figure out soon enough what you want."
"What if I mess that up too? What if I never get it right?"
"Then you live a life filled with new experiences. There's no limit on the number of acts in your play. You get as many as you want. You just have to keep getting on stage."
The final boarding call for my flight gave me a minute to dry my tears and take a breath before responding.
"If you're going to Boston tonight, you need to get on that flight," she said.
"I am," I replied, shuffling toward the gate. "I'm going."
"Call me in the morning. I have two shifts next week but I can visit the week after that, if you want. Or you can come here. I'll fly you out. There's always a place for you here."
"I know, Mom. Thank you."
"You're going to make the choices that are right for you, Jasper. I believe that."
I stepped into the short line of passengers waiting to board. "Why do you believe that? How do you know?"
"Because I know what it sounds like when you're in the middle of a storm and you can't see the hand in front of your face. And I know you're in that storm now. It's different than mine but it's still a god-awful storm. I know it and I know you, and I know you'll make it through."
I drew in a long, shuddering breath and decided I didn't care if I walked onto this plane with tears all over my face. I just didn't care. I was sad and lonely, and lost in a world where I used to know my place, my spot. My feet hurt and I knew I wasn't going to sleep tonight, and I wanted to call Linden and ask him why he didn't ask me to stay but I wouldn't. I couldn't.
"I love you, Mom."
"Love you too, honey. Call me tomorrow?"
"I will." I handed the gate agent my boarding pass and proceeded down the jetway. "Thanks for listening."
"Thanks for talking," she said pointedly.
I sighed. "I know I've been bad about—"
"Let's stop beating ourselves up tonight, okay? You've been doing what you needed to do and you don't owe me an explanation. Go easy on yourself. You deserve it."