Why? Is it that cold or is it the nightmare? I shiver again and squirm into the blankets.
And then warmth envelopes me and my eyes automatically drift shut as I will my body to absorb the heat.
He’s pulled me to his chest. We’re on our sides facing one another and his arm is around me. My cheek is against his naked chest. His hand is flat against my back, which is exposed mostly because I’m wearing a camisole nightgown that’s low cut in the back.
Oh my Lord. This feels… it feels like I’m about to be incinerated by the heat. And gladly. I feel almost drunk.
“I’m sorry I made you come home alone tonight; I was pissed,” he whispers.
“At me?” I squeak.
“At you,” he confirms.
And that sobers me. I thought so. He seemed pissed at me.
“I wanted to hurt him,” he tells me, matter-of-factly, and it sounds like he’s doing it through gritted teeth.
“Oh.”
“And you asked me not to,” he adds.
I moisten my lips and nod a little.
“I have no fucking idea what his plans were tonight, Violet. A man came to my club with a gun after I specifically told him to stay away until he comes with the money he owes me. And I went against my instincts of sending a message to him about what he did because you asked me not to hurt him.”
“And you’re mad at me,” I whisper.
“I’m mad at him. Not you. I was pissed because you gave that stupid fuck a second thought. What if he was gonna hurt you to send a message to me that you’re not part of the debt any longer? He had a fucking gun. What if he was thinking he’d take me out? What if he was gonna try to run off with you to escape his debt? You protected him. Fuck sakes, Violet.”
He groans that last bit, and I don’t know how to respond to it.
He’s mad, but I’m not scared. He’s holding me close while he rants and I’ve never felt like this in the middle of being given shit by someone before.
“Everything he’s done to you, and I know I don’t know the half of it, and you protected him. Why?”
“I don’t know. I just… don’t like violence, I guess. I want him out of my life, but I don’t want to see anyone get hurt.”
I don’t know what Killian would’ve done without my request not to hurt Ray. I don’t think I wanna know. I know Ray made references, but I don’t know if they were overblown, about him ‘disappearing’ people, though he doesn’t seem like that type.
He also doesn’t seem like the type to put up with someone pissing him off, either. I sense power from him, not just because he’s physically in good shape, but he has this powerful, commanding presence. But is he someone who would kill or have someone killed?
“I have a question,” I whisper.
He pulls me even closer and his fingers weave into the length of my hair.
“What?” he asks.
“Why did you listen to me?” I have goosebumps all over me at his touch. My heart is beating so fast.
“Good question.”
He’s breathing heavily and I feel his heart hammering against my chest. He’s so warm and strong and God, this is so intimate. I’m in the dark, in his arms and I’m warming up.
He’s holding me like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
My lungs are filled with the scent of him. He smells good. I tremble some more, but I’m not cold. I’m feeling something else. Panic? Arousal? Both?
He shifts and I feel the tickle of his leg grazing mine. Leg hair. He’s probably in his underwear like he was the last time he climbed in bed with me.
“You’re a good person, Violet. And he doesn’t deserve you.”
“No. He doesn’t, “ I say softly against his chest.
He cups my face and lifts my jaw. His lips are too close.
Way too close.
My heart is pounding even harder.
His grip on me tightens and I feel him against my thigh. Uh oh. He’s hard.
“I don’t either. I’m not exactly a knight in shining armor.”
I swallow.
“But I can’t help but want you, anyway.”
I pull back. “Killian.” I hear the alarm in my voice.
I’m breathing hard; I’m really panicking.
I’m in a bed held by a virile, gorgeous, probably dangerous man, and he’s got an erection.
“Shh,” he kisses my forehead. “It’s okay. Sorry, Violet. I just needed to be here. I won’t sleep if I’m not. Or eventually I will sleep and then I’ll wind up here anyway.”
A long moment of silence stretches out before I’m able to stutter, “O-k-kay.”
He goes to turn over but I find myself panicking and grabbing onto him so he can’t.
“Sorry. I don’t mean to send mixed messages. I just –” Guilt lances through me. What’s wrong with me?
“It’s okay.” He pulls me closer again. “You’re giving me what I need tonight by letting me be here. I’ll give you what you need tonight, too.”
Holding me. Not expecting anything. This is exactly what I need right now.
He drops a tender, lingering kiss on top of my head and then goes still.
I sink my front teeth into my bottom lip and squeeze my eyes shut tight.
The feel of his lips on my head, the feel of his arms around me. God. I’m so –
“Sleep,” he orders. “It’s late.”
I nod.
It takes me what feels like a long time to fall asleep. Because I’m feeling this … this closeness. I’m aware of his fingertips against the top of my spine, of the pattern of his breathing, which isn’t even, so I know he’s not sleeping either.
How can either of us sleep? We’re strangers in a bed together. He’s mad at Ray, annoyed at me, and I’m having some sort of breakdown, I think.
But he’s holding me so close. He’s got me wrapped up with both arms and I’ve never felt safer. Never felt more aware of another person who’s directly beside me in the dark, in the quiet.
His other hand rests on my lower back, directly above my tailbone, though at the almost-kissing point, his fingertips stretched a little and I shivered at the tickle as they grazed the top of my behind.
And part of me, a distant part of me that’s maybe who I used to be wants to surface. Wants to surface and reach down and stroke his erection, parting my lips against his, stroking that sexy, full bottom lip with the tip of my tongue, signaling him to please, fucking please devour me.
Please say my name in that deep, husky voice as you touch me. Please touch me everywhere. Make me remember what it feels like to have a man touch me like I’m someone they want, not just someone that’s there.
But that distant part of me is so far away from who I am now that she can’t get close enough to do what she wants.
A single teardrop escapes from my eye, then trails down my face until it lands on his bare chest. I dry it with my hair, catching more tears before they fall. He doesn’t let go of me. Instead, he cups the back of my head and plants a kiss on the tip of my nose.
I place my palm flat over his chest on the right, feeling the smooth, muscled skin, the immense heat of him, feeling the urge to sob but pushing it back.
Instead of tipping my head back and kissing him like I want to do, I close my eyes and eventually, sink under, feeling safe enough to fall asleep in Killian Coulter’s arms.