“Not at all. I told her you were sixteen. She’s not angry. She seems like a very well-adjusted woman. She works with inner-city kids in L.A. They have a good life, live in a beautiful home, and are responsible people. They’re a sweet couple. I think Marla took good care of her. She’s apparently not a very maternal person, but Michaela loves her, and seems very forgiving. She thought there was no hope that she’d ever find you.”
“I thought so too. I can’t believe what you did,” Melissa said to her, overwhelmed with gratitude. “You’ve been flying all over the world, looking for her.”
“You always did everything for me. It was my turn. I thought I might have the inside track because of the Church, but I got nowhere at Saint Blaise’s. Fiona gave me the only lead when she remembered the three movie stars who adopted in 1988. You were meant to find each other, Mel. You can call Michaela later if you want, or now. She knew I was coming here. She’s been calling me all week.”
“What if she hates me when she meets me?” Melissa said, suddenly seized by panic. “I’m not as glamorous as her movie star mother. I’m a farmer now, just as you said. I crawl around under the house and up on the roof, and drag tree trunks around with the tractor. I don’t even own high heels anymore. I threw them all away. Oh my God, Hattie, I’m a mess.” She was laughing and crying at the same time and couldn’t stop. And then, finally, she looked at her sister seriously, and her voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m scared.”
“So is she. So was I when I went to meet her. She’s lovely. And trust me, she has no axe to grind about you.”
“Does she know about Robbie?”
Hattie nodded. “I told her. She felt terrible for you. Now you need to figure out when you want to see her. I think it might be better in New York. Coming here and staying with you might be a little intense for the first time. It’ll be easier to meet on neutral turf. Like New York.”
“New York isn’t neutral. I haven’t been there since the divorce, when I bought this house. I swore I’d never go back. I have too many memories there, of Carson and Robbie. It’s too hard for me.” She looked genuinely panicked.
“You’re going to meet your daughter, Mel. It’s a happy event, not a sad one. You’ve waited thirty-three years for this. You can do it.” Melissa was turning fifty soon, and the last time she’d seen her baby girl, she was sixteen. Hattie couldn’t imagine it, waiting that long for something that important that she’d been robbed of as a young girl.
“What’ll I wear? I need to buy clothes. All I have is the old stuff I wear up here.”
“You can come a day or two early and buy something nice. I don’t think she’ll care. She’s not that kind of person. She’s honest and real. She really loves her kids. They’re very sweet. They want to meet you too.”
“Oh Christ, I’m a grandmother and I’m not even a mother anymore.” Her eyes filled with tears again as she reached out to hug Hattie. She felt as though she’d been given an entire world.
“Yes, you are a mother. You have Michaela,” Hattie said softly.
“I gave her up.” Melissa sounded convulsed with guilt.
“You had no choice, Mel. You’re still her mother. She has two mothers now.”
“Will her adopted mother hate me? Does she know?”
“Not yet. Michaela wants to tell her after you’ve met.”
“To see if she likes me?”
“No, to reassure her mother that she’s met you, you’re a nice person, and it’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. I abandoned her. What’ll I say when I meet her? ‘I’m sorry I gave you up and ran away’?”
“You didn’t run away, Mel. You were sixteen and Mom made you do it. You would have kept her if you could have. There was no way you could. In today’s world, you could probably do that. But not thirty-three years ago. You did what you had to do. What you were forced to do. She understands that. She’s nervous too.” But not as nervous as Melissa, who was terrified that her daughter would reject her, and had good reason to. “She’s not angry at you, Mel. She’s not an angry person. She wants you in her life. She tried to find you at eighteen. She wanted to find you before that, but didn’t know how. The nuns at Saint Blaise’s didn’t make it easy for anyone. This is an incredible stroke of luck to have found her. It was meant to be. Don’t torture yourself about it until you meet.”
“Maybe I’ll have a heart attack and die before,” Melissa said grimly, and Hattie laughed.
“No. Maybe you’ll have a nice time, and be able to see her from time to time, and you even get two grandchildren in the deal. You have a family, Mellie. A daughter and a son-in-law and two grandkids.”
“Does she know I used to write?”
“She’s read all your books and loves them. You lucked out here. Now try to enjoy it and relax a little.” Hattie had never seen her solid older sister so terrified.
“Will you come with me when I meet her?” she pleaded.
“If you want me to. But I think you’re going to get along fine. I was a total stranger who barged into her office with a crazy story, and she couldn’t have been nicer to me.”
They talked about it for hours, late into the night. Melissa thanked her dozens of times and considered it from every angle, and raised every fear. Hattie spent the night reassuring her. They fell asleep on her bed, still talking, and Melissa looked exhausted when she got up the next day. She had worn herself out, and didn’t have the courage to call her daughter. She wanted Hattie to set up the meeting, and she promised she would. Melissa agreed to go to New York to see Michaela, although she dreaded it, and the memories it would revive.
She was still a nervous wreck when Hattie left to drive back to the convent on Sunday afternoon. She looked dazed when Norm came over on Monday and brought her fruit from his orchard and fresh corn. She had sent the six boxes of apples with Hattie for the convent. Norm had brought his pears, which were delicious, and he noticed how odd Melissa looked, and how distracted, and asked if she was okay.
“I had kind of a crazy weekend,” she said with a vacant look.
“Are you feeling all right?”
“No…yes…I just found out this weekend that I’m about to get something I’ve wanted desperately ever since I was a kid, and now that it’s happening I’m scared to death.” He couldn’t imagine anything that would scare her, but she looked flustered. He had never seen her like that.
“Do you want me to leave?” He suddenly felt as though he was intruding. She was in a strange mood. “Is it something I can help you with?” he asked hesitantly. There was no sign of her sharp tongue, or acerbic comments that amused him but could hurt sometimes. She seemed young and frightened and humbled.