The last thing that needed to happen was Liberty and me getting into a brawl, and she was right; I knew she meant me no harm but I still didn’t like her touching me.
I felt Luke's presence before I saw him.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
I didn’t answer because overwhelming embarrassment had taken over.
“It’s all good, Luke. Just give us a minute,” Liberty told him.
“Shiloh?”
“I’m good,” I gritted out.
“Nuh-uh, you’re not good. What the hell is going on?”
“You’re right, Shiloh’s not good. But if you give us a minute, I’ll see that she gets that way.”
“Really, I’m good. I shouldn’t’ve said—”
“I’m gonna tell you something, Shiloh, something that was told to me at a time when I didn’t want to hear it, which means it was the time I needed to hear it most,” Liberty started, and I braced. “It was said at a time when I was overcome with guilt. A time when my power had been taken from me and I was lashing out at everyone who dared to speak to me. A time when all I felt was weakness.
“Right now, that guilt that’s eating you up, it feels good under there, it feels safe. It feels right to wrap yourself in it because you think you deserve it. You feel weak? Change it. And the first step is never to say that word again, not ever, Shiloh. What comes out of your mouth, your ears hear, what your ears hear you start to believe. The more you say you’re weak, the more you believe it. Once you get rid of that word, reach out and talk about it. The nightmares will never go away unless you do.”
She scooted closer. “You find it too hard to talk to your brothers, you call me. If it’s too hard for you to open up to Luke, you call me. Whatever you say stays between us and that’s a promise. You asked me, if I’m not a soldier then who am I. Well, Shiloh, you just solved that mystery. I don’t need to wear that uniform to be me. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Not anymore.”
Everything Liberty had said sliced me to the bone. She didn’t know me, yet she seemed to know me better than I knew myself. I was doing exactly what she said—wrapping my guilt around me and holding on to it so tightly I was now afraid to let it go.
“Who are you if not a soldier?” I asked again.
“When you’re ready to talk about Penelope and what happened, you come find me and I’ll tell you who I am.” Then Liberty leaned closer and with a face full of fury she said, “There’s one thing I’ll tell you right now. And pay close attention, Shiloh—you are not the uniform you wear. You are not your job. You are human and as such you’re not perfect. You never will be. So cut yourself some slack. I. Am. Here. Day or night. Don’t hesitate to reach out, sister. If you do hesitate I’ll be seriously pissed off.”
With that, Liberty did the unthinkable.
She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.
I was a total stranger.
I was no one to her.
Fuck.
What was I supposed to do with that?
17
Shiloh’s living room was not big enough for all the bodies currently taking up the space. We should’ve gone back to my house after the picnic. But after her talk with Liberty, I sensed she’d want to be in her own bed at the end of the day. I also knew that while her brothers had given me space to take care of Shiloh they weren’t going to be put off and they’d be following us home. Which they did.
Now River, Phoenix, Matt, Logan, Dylan, and Ethan—sans his wife and kids—were lounging on her furniture and I was in the kitchen where Shiloh was pulling chicken out of the fridge so I could man the grill and feed our company.
I didn’t want food.
I didn’t want company.
Shiloh did because it would delay the conversation she knew we’d be having. Or maybe she thought I’d forget about it altogether. Either way, she was sadly mistaken. I’d given her time after Liberty laid out the truth. We’d spent another hour at the picnic, which was how long it had taken for us to say our goodbyes before we left.
I still didn’t know what had brought on the intense conversation. I’d stayed away, giving the women time to talk—that was, until Shiloh looked like she was ready to bolt. I’d watched as her face got paler and paler trusting Liberty to guide Shiloh. But when Liberty had grabbed Shiloh’s hand, I was afraid Shiloh would lash out, so I’d interrupted.
Much to my shock, River and Phoenix had done as I’d asked and didn’t rush to Shiloh. They trusted me to handle their sister. I would’ve taken a moment to appreciate how good that felt if I wasn’t so worried about Shiloh.
“Babe?” I called.
“Huh?”
“Please look at me.”
“We have a house full of people. I need to get this done.”
She was correct but it was an excuse.
“Please, Shiloh.”
She dropped the package of chicken on the counter then grabbed the edge and dropped her head forward. What she didn’t do was look at me.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
Her head came up and her beautiful eyes met mine. So full of anguish.
“You’ve had a shit day,” I noted the understatement of the year. “I need to know what you need from me.”
“What?” she whispered.
“You want everyone gone? I’ll get them out. You want just your brothers here? I’ll tell the rest to leave. You want to go lie down? I’ll sort dinner. You need me to go with you? I’ll get River to take over in here. Whatever you need I’ll give it to you, but you have to tell me.”
“I feel like…” Shiloh started to say.
“Feel like what?”
“Like I’m losing control.”
Shit. That wasn’t good. Shiloh feeling that meant she’d do whatever she felt she had to do to wrestle that control back. Killer Frost would come out and she’d freeze out everyone around her and I’d be the first to feel that chill.
“Maybe that’s what you need. You’re holding on so tight you can’t let go of the things you need to. The things weighing you down.”
“She’s coming, Luke. I know it and I’m doing everything I can to stop it, but I told you what happens when someone gets close—I turn nasty. I don’t want to do that to you but I’m losing control and all I want to do is make you go away so I don’t have to face my life.”
Well, fuck me.
“Baby, that’s probably the most self-aware thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe you’re not losing control, maybe you’re finally finding it. You know what’s happening, you’re brave enough to be honest about it, and strong enough to admit why you’re doing it.”
“I don’t think I’m strong enough to stop her.”
Fuck. She knew.
“Killer Frost?” I asked and she nodded.
“I know that’s what they call me, and it fits. Anyone who has ever tried to get close gets blasted.”
“Do you want them to stay?” I asked and tipped my head toward the living room.
“Yeah.”